My journey in pictures

Dr. Elliot, my surgeon, has informational seminars for patients who are thinking about having WLS. It's a fairly standard practice, and that's what anyone who is interested in having it has to do as a first step. We recently got an email from the guy who leads our support group saying that they were looking for post-op patients who would be willing to come and speak at the seminars just to share their story. I told them that I would be happy to (because you know how much I like to talk about my surgery!). I didn't think they would really ask me, though, because 1. I say everything I think and it's not always the "right thing" and 2. I had gastric bypass and most of Dr. E's patients have Lap-Band. Well, I got a call on Friday asking me to come speak at the seminar on Monday. I'm a little nervous about it. Anyway, that leads me to...

I've been taking pictures of my weight loss all along and saving them on the computer. I kept meaning to put them together in an album but hadn't gotten around to it. So this was my motivation to get it done. That was today's project, and it was fun. I put my pictures in an album with little notes saying the date and how much weight I'd loss. Now, for those of you who don't see me regularly, here is the digital version:

August 3, 2007
1 year pre-op

March 28, 2008
294 lbs.
My "before" picture

July 1, 2008
Day before surgery
-27 lbs.


August 12, 2008
-59 lbs.



Sept. 2, 2008
-71 lbs.


Oct. 9, 2008
-89 lbs.


Nov. 2008
Celebrating 100 lbs. lost!


Nov. 15, 2008
-104 lbs.

Dec. 27, 2008
-110 lbs.

Jan. 7, 2009
-121 lbs.

Jan. 31, 2009
Costume party!
(not something I would have done pre-op!)

March 5, 2009
-134 lbs.


March 28, 2009
My first race!
10k (6.2 miles) in 70 minutes



Current pic. - early May 2009
-140 lbs.
(I'm the one on your far left, if you don't know me well enough to recognize me...)

Thanks for indulging me!

Where have I been?

Ok, I know. It's been a long time. There's been a lot going on. I haven't really talked about it very much, but I think it's time for me to go ahead and at least write about it. I feel a little weird - ok, more than a little weird, I'm petrified - about putting all of this out there, but I'm doing it for two reasons - one is for me, to help me process and to help me have a record of my journey. The second is for anyone else out there who is considering or has had the surgery - I want to be honest with you about my experiences. Not to say that everyone's experience is the same. But if you're interested in my story, I want you to hear it all - the good and the bad. So here comes a big 'ole batch of honesty. Probably more than you ever wanted.

I know - have always known - that this surgery is not a magic cure for anything. It's not a quick fix, and it doesn't make you into a different person. But knowing that in my head and really believing it are two different things. I've struggled with depression for a long time - I've been on and off medication; in and out of counseling. I've never really wanted to deal with it, so I've dealt with it as little as possible. Truly I thought that it was just because I was fat. (When the really fat guy in Austin Powers says "I eat because I'm unhappy. And I'm unhappy because I eat." I always tear up even though it's Austin Powers. Because that's how I felt.)

So when it came back about two months ago, it knocked me flat on my back.

And come back it did. It felt like an actual, literal, weight pressing down on me at all times. It makes normal life extremely difficult. Without really being able to explain it, I just have a hard time making it through each day. It's hard for me to work up the motivation or the energy to get things done and bouts of sadness will hit me out of nowhere so I just want to find a corner to curl up and cry. (Interestingly enough - and I use the word "interesting" very loosely here - I rarely actually do cry. Or if I do, for more than a minute. I used to cry a lot. I think I used up all of my tears) But because I am my mother's daughter through and through, I fake a smile and force myself to interact with people and be social.

Some other thoughts that are frequently in my head right now:

- I feel nothing but fat. Fat, fat, fat. In my head, I know that's ridiculous. That after losing 140 pounds, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to go shopping and pick up a pair of size 12 pants. 6 months ago I would have told you that I would be. A year ago, when I was barely squeezing into my size 24s, I would not have even imagined that it was possible. But now - all I see is the smaller sizes on the racks. I still have a lot of fat and loose skin all over me and I hate it. Even in pictures, I still look like the fat girl. I have rolls of belly fat, enormous calves, and saggy arms. It's not a pretty picture.

- Still no one wants to date me. No one has so much as asked me out to dinner. Which is forcing me to confront the idea that it wasn't the fat that made me undate-able - it was just me.

- My eating habits are seriously slipping. I find myself eating more and more throughout the day and I hate myself for it. It's the same pattern I was in before surgery - I'm not hungry, I don't want it, I know I'll be upset if I eat it, but I can't seem to stop myself.

Now here's the thing. This feels like one big pity party for Sarah and, in many ways, it is. But it also feels like I'm just digging for compliments and I truly am not. (They don't really make me feel better anyway because it feels like people are saying it b/c they have to in response to my whining) It also feels like I have no right to say/feel this way because of how blessed I have been to have gone through this surgery.

I don't know for sure if these are typical post-WLS feelings or not, but I feel like they probably are. I did start seeing a counselor, but I haven't been back in a while. I'm working up the courage to go back. I'm spending a lot of time praying, which to be honest, involves a lot of me yelling at God. But he's big enough to handle it. I've considered going back on medication, and that may end up being a good choice for me. It's very hard for me to want to even deal with this, but I'm fighting.

So, there it is - honest, sappy confessions by Sarah. Now that I've put that out there, I hope to get back to more regular blogging. There's a lot going on out there in the world just waiting for me to comment on it. :)

WLS FAQ/C

Before I start in on yet another fascinating post, I have two tidbits to share:

1. It has been a year since I started this blog! Crazy.
2. I have found a use for my rolls of stomach fat. When I'm at the gym using the weight machines, I like to listen to my iPod. It's hard finding a place to put it while I'm working, and it falls off of my lap pretty easily. So I tuck it up under my stomach fat and it stays put. Nice.

I thought I would post a WLS FAQ /C (Frequently Asked Questions/Comments, for those of you not "in the know) to share with everyone the things that people say to me most often since my surgery as well as my response. I don't mind answering the questions at all - you know how much I talk about my surgery! Still, here it is for those of you who want to know - what people say, my thoughts, and if you should say it to someone who has had WLS:


You look great!
My reaction/thoughts - This is, by far, the comment I get the most. (Yes, I realize how snotty I sound saying that. I apologize, but I wanted to share my reaction to it) Mostly, I just smile and say "Thanks". I don't volunteer up information about my surgery or how much I've lost. Some people will ask, and I'm happy to share. I just don't want people to have to sit and listen to me talk about it if they don't want to know. I have two opposite reactions to this, so it's like a Catch-22. Mostly I'm flattered and I think that it's always nice to hear that. But sometimes I get to thinking, "You don't go around telling people who have always been skinny that they look great. Maybe the fact that you're commenting on it now is more of a reflection on how bad I looked before." But at the same time, if people didn't say anything, I think I would be sad, too. So basically there's no making me happy.

Should you say it? Heck yeah you should.


How do you feel?/Do you feel better?/Do you have more energy?
My reaction/thoughts - This question comes in a lot of forms, as you can see. Physically, I actually feel much the same as I did before surgery, except when it comes to exercise. I can tell a huge difference in how much I'm able to exercise. (Hello?!?! I ran 6.5 miles the other day!) Emotionally is a whole different story, but I don't think that's the point of this question. Usually I just respond with "I feel good" although sometimes I will mention the exercise thing.

Should you say it? Sure, if you really want to know more about the person's WLS experience. It's likely to bring on a whole lot of info.


Do people treat you differently?
My reaction/thoughts - Yes and no. This is a tough one for me. Yes, people definitely treat me differently. But I'm so different that it's hard to say if the change is really in me or in the way people react to me. I was relatively outgoing before, but now I feel so much more confident. Before, I would talk to people but always felt like they didn't really want to be talking to me. I was trying to get out of their way so they could hang out with people they really wanted to talk to. Now, I am much more willing to just carry on a conversation or put myself out there - meet up with new people or whatever. Does that make any sense at all?

Should you say it? Well, it doesn't offend me (but not much does). Some people are baffled by the question, although it makes a lot of sense to me. I guess I would say - if you really want to know, go ahead. Or if it's someone who has been pretty open about their experiences. It's not something I would ask someone who doesn't like to talk about, because it can be a pretty sensitive area.


How much have you lost?
My reaction/thoughts - To date, 133 pounds. I have about 25 pounds to go before I'm considered a "normal" weight. I recently hit the "overweight" category, which was exciting for me. (I went from "super obese" to "morbidly obese" to "obese" and now to "overweight") I don't give all that info when people ask - I just give the number :) I love it when people ask me this question b/c I love to tell people but feel weird about just volunteering the information. I can understand how some people would feel weird about asking it, though.

Should you ask it? I would say yes. Most WLS patients I've met are happy to share their successes. However, again, a few may be uncomfortable with it. But I would bet most are prepared for it and if they don't want to answer have something ready like "Just about enough for now". So go ahead. Ask away.


I feel so bad for you not getting to eat!
My reaction/thoughts - Another one that comes in many interesting variations. My reaction is always the same - "Don't!" It's hard to explain, but eating is very different post-op. I'm perfectly happy with what I get to eat. It seems normal to me. I don't feel bad for me, so why should you?

Should you say it? Nah. Why bother? It doesn't bother me, unless people keep harping on it. (Although the girls at lunch tease me about my little meals a lot, but that's all in fun and doesn't bother me at all) But not everyone has as thick a skin as I do :)


What made you decide to do this?
My reaction/thoughts - Well, because I was fat. I looked into it and researched it for a long time before I even considered doing it. I don't have a big "epiphany" story. I never quite know how to answer this one.

Should you ask it? If you are considering having the surgery and don't know if you're ready, maybe. If not, probably not. The answer is going to be "to get healthy" even if it's really "to help me meet boys", know what I mean?


My sister/neighbor/friend/this guy I went to high school with's third cousin had that!.......

My reaction/thoughts - Ok. Thanks. I usually say, "How are they doing?" but I hate it because I always feel like I'm being compared to whoever it is and they're doing better than me. Or they'll bust out some story about all the complications that person had and I either feel guilty for not having any or worried. Still - it's very well intentioned. People are just trying to relate to you. Which is hard for people without weight problems.

Should you say it? Welllll.... I mean, are you just trying to fill a conversational vacuum here? I tend to think that comparing people's experiences is a bad idea. On the other hand, it's not offensive or anything. And it's hard not to say. :)

I know this has been a long one. A couple of last thoughts for you:

• I personally do not care when anyone says any of these things to me. You can ask me whatever you want and I will be fine with it. But I have a big mouth. Not everyone feels that way, I'm sure :)
• There are people who get a lot of negative comments. I am so blessed to have great people in my life - I've never gotten a negative comment. Never. The closest I've gotten was "that's scary" or "are you nervous?" That's why there are no negative comments on my list. But if there were beside Should you say it? I would put NO. Because how is that helpful or encouraging, especially to someone who's already done it?

Ok I'm off to enjoy the rest of my snow day - my 2nd in a row, with a 3rd coming up tomorrow! Have fun y'all!

Ready for a break

February has been a crazy busy month for me. The last week has arrived with blessedly little to do on the calendar, and I'm really looking forward to a low key week/weekend. I like being busy and have enjoyed most of the business of the past month or so. And I won't be upset if things come up this week. But still. Some down time is always nice.

I keep thinking that I need to be posting - I really want to have a record of my whole WLS journey. I just don't think that I really have anything to say. Things are just moving along.... I'm currently down about 130 pounds. I did buy a pair of size 12 jeans at Wal Mart the other day. They are probably the only pair of size 12s in the world that fit me, but still...there's one. I'm torn between being excited about this and desperate to hit a single digit size. Crazy, I know. I don't know which is more amazing - the fact that I ran 5 miles today or the fact that I no longer find that blogworthy.

Bad eating habits are starting to creep back in - grazing, "needing" something sweet because I'm so grumpy, etc. Not as bad as they were before, but they are things that I need to address NOW. It's hard for me because even with that, the weight is still coming off. It's hard to remember that won't always be the case. So that's my current struggle.

I promise I'll work on thinking of something interesting to say before I post again....

6 month "nut" follow up

I'm supposed to meet with Pam, my nutritionist - or nut as refer to them in WLS-land - at the same intervals I follow up with Dr. Elliot. That is 1, 3, 6, 9, and 12 months or something like that. So my 6 month appointment came at 7 months and a week...that's close right? And isn't there something about close counting when it comes to horshoes and hand grenades? Julie?

Anyway. The point is - I met with Pam. One thing I wanted to talk to her about was how to eat while I'm in training. (Let me point out here that I LOVE to say that I'm "in training" and bring up being in training and/or running as frequently as possible. Much more often than I actually "train".) I've read a lot about eating just before and after runs and wasn't sure how that applied to me as a post-op. Well, as it turns out, she gave me pretty much exactly the same advice as I had heard other places: carbs before, carbs and protein afterwards. We talked about some good choices for me to make at those times. I also admitted to her (as I am here, to you, now) that I have gotten into a bad habit of grazing and I'm worried about that. Pam whipped out her little calculator and figured out that I'm burning about 2,000 extra calories a week with my running. (Can I just stop here and say WOW?!?!) So she said, "You're probably hungry" Hmmmm.... who would've thought???

So that was mostly what we talked about. She was pleased overall with my progress.

Have I mentioned that I broke my scale? Yes, 125 pounds ago I stood on that thing no problem. NOW it decides to crack on me??? So I don't actually know if I've lost any more weight. I feel like I have, though, because my clothes are getting looser. Getting a new scale is on my list...

It's definitely off to bed for me tonight!

What 100 pounds looks like - Sarah style

I can't believe I'm doing this on this very public internet, but here it is. My "before" picture (I could have at least fixed myself up a little don't you think?) and my "I've lost 100 pounds" picture. I've been taking pictures all along (definitely something I would encourage you to do, by the way, if you are considering or have had the surgery) (or are losing weight another way), but always considered them very private. But for some reason I'm feeling brave enough to show them to you tonight. So here they are:


Can you tell which is the before and which is the after? ;) (I'm kidding, of course. Even I can see the difference there). I've been doing these with the self-timer on my camera and they haven't been coming out great. My friend Laura took the most recent one last night, though, and I think I'm going to get her to do them all from now on because I'm pretty sure I look skinnier in that picture than I do in real life :)

I had a fun weekend celebrating my BFF's 30th. Happy Birthday Julie!!!!!

Her dad told me this weekend that I seemed different. I pointed out that I had lost 100 pounds :) He said no, my personality seemed different. He thought that I had become more confident and extroverted without so much extra weight. I don't know if he's right, but I've been thinking about it. I did just post a pretty embarrassing picture here...

Going a little crazy

I've gone a little crazy about this whole 100-pound thing. I did post it on my Facebook status, which seems a little crazy to me in and of itself :). I'm about to the point where I stop complete strangers on the street to tell them I've lost 100 pounds. Somebody stop me please!

Yesterday I set yet another how-far-I-can-"jog"-without-stopping-to-walk record. 2 miles! I only had about 30 minutes, so I "jogged" the whole time, except for a quick warm up and cool down.

Shhhhh.....

I'm scared to say it out loud, because I'm afraid it's not really true. I'm going to have to whisper it.

I've lost 100 pounds.

I'm excited and at the same time trying to rein it in because I still have a long ways to go. Of course, my brain just keeps telling me - "Yeah, well good for you. I can't believe you even let yourself get into a situation where you had 100 pounds to lose and you still have 60 to go. " Although there's another, albeit smaller, piece of my brain that wants to walk up to everyone I see and say "Hi. I'm Sarah. I've lost 100 pounds." Especially if it means we can have a conversation that does not revolve around elections or politics.

My scale is broken.

Yeah, let's go with that.

Now if I could only find an excuse for why my face is breaking out like a teenager the day before prom...

FInding clothes that fit.

*UGH*

Here are some clothing fit issues I'm having - I knew y'all wanted to hear about them:

** You know how there are some people that look like a caricature of a person. Like from the chest up and the thighs down they are of normal size but then they have an enormous stomach and butt? No? You don't know those people? Come visit me, my friend, and you will... I can tell that I've lost some weight in my boobs and face. Mostly the boobs. (I don't know about my legs, b/c I don't have a full length mirror. Because I'm super together and organized), but my stomach and butt are still enormous. It's NOT a good look.

** I don't know what size underwear to buy. In the past, this has been my underwear-buying philosophy: Go to Wal Mart. Find the multi-pack bags of underwear. Find the cheapest one. Buy the biggest size they have. Now I can still wear my underwear, but it's getting kind of baggy and I don't have any idea how to figure out what size to buy next.

** I put one some Goodwill jeans today (I have like 4 pairs of those) and they fit me perfectly - except for the left calf. I'm serious. Everywhere is perfect, but the left calf is tight. Only the left one.

** I would like to say hello to..... my neck! I just saw it in the mirror. Who knew I had one under all those chins?

Running in the heat!

This afternoon I went for a "run", not realizing that it is HOT AS ANYTHING out there. I mean, really hot. I got so hot I got chills. I literally had goosebumps all up and down my arms. But I did 4 miles. Which is 5 laps around my trail. The first 4 laps I did more "running" than walking - a good bit more, actually - but the last lap I just walked. I considered it my cool down lap. It took me about 50-55 minutes. Something miraculous has happened since I've started working out more - the trail has gotten shorter. I'm pretty sure it has. It used to be all I could do to do 2 laps - and it took me my full 40 minute workout. So the trail must be getting shorter!

Ok, I'm taking a survey here. This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I know, it's whacked out and strange but these are the things that go through my head. And this is my blog, where I write things that go through my head. I'm down about 90 pounds right now (since March when I started boot camp), which means naturally I'm thinking about hitting that 100-pound loss mark. My goal is to hit it before my family reunion Nov. 7. Of course, I've been stuck at the same weight for almost a week now, so I may never get there and this may be a moo point. (you know - a moo point. It's like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter.) (Thanks, Joey!) Back to my question - when I hit 100 pounds lost, do I post that information in my Facebook status? Because it's exciting. But do I want to admit that I had 100 pounds to lose - and I'm still fat? Of course, people knew because - well, they could see me. Still. I know, this is one of

Shopping!

So a good friend is getting married this weekend (and let me add how THRILLED I am for her!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I decided that this was my chance to actually get some new clothes. As I'm losing the weight, I'm trying not to shop too much because (theoretically, at least) I'm losing so quickly that I can't wear the clothes for very long. I need new clothes, of course, so I've been shopping places like Goodwill, Wal-Mart, and my sister's closet.

So my BFF and I hit the mall on Wed. in search of the perfect cute new dress. She, naturally, found 3. She's pregnant and it was so much fun shopping for cute little maternity dresses with her! I can't wait to meet the baby, of course (due on my birthday, as all cool kids are) but for now it's fun watching her be pregnant. Anyway. I didn't have much luck. For one thing, it's hard to know what size to get. Obviously, I just have to keep trying things on and different dresses the sizes run differently but still it's confusing. It's a totally new experience for me, though, to be able to say "This is too big. I need a smaller one." I've always worn whatever the biggest size was. Seriously. One time I was in a friend's wedding and just told her to order the biggest size bridesmaid's dress they had. I think this freaked her out, but I was right. It fit.

Ok, too many tangents tonight.

I'm going to cut this story short and tell you that, after much work and heartache, I have found a new dress! This is more exciting to me than it probably is to the average person. For one thing, it was super on sale at Dillard's and I got it for $16! (The only other one that I had found was $90 and I just couldn't go there) Another thing....it's a size 16. Seriously. Let me put this in perspective for you - before surgery, I was a tight 24. When I bought the dress today, the pants I was wearing were a 22. I'll admit they're a little big. But I was thinking I was just barely into a 20. Now, let's be fair. I won't fit into a 16 in pretty much anything else. This dress just happened to run big or something. Still it's exciting to me. (Normally I do not discuss my clothing size. Ever. But I got over it because it's an exciting part of documenting this process for me.) Here's a fuzzy-because-I-used-the-self-timer-and-I'm-having-issues-with-that picture of the dress:

3 month follow-up

I also went for my 3 month follow-up appointment today. I had lost 17 pounds since my last appointment a month ago, bringing my total lost to 81 pounds. I, as usual, was frustrated with that but my dr. was pleased. He said that starting month 3 (which this past one was for me), bypass patients should lose 15-20 pounds a month. This is not fast enough to satisfy me! Of course, I think I'm starting to feel about losing weight the way that one of the Rockefellers did about money. Someone asked him once how much money was enough and he answered (quite cleverly, I thought), "Just a little bit more" So I need to watch that I don't drive myself crazy over this. I have a family reunion at the beginning of November though, and I really want to have lost 100 pounds by then. It's 6 weeks away so that's a fairly realistic goal, but I'm definitely going to have to work on it. Although to be honest with you, most of my family there probably won't even notice I've lost weight. A lot of them are 2nd cousins and such and at the last family reunion I was actually at my lowest weight with Weight Watchers, and I should be right around that weight again. Which means, yes, in the last 5 years I have gained and lost 100 pounds. How scary is that? (well, not quite yet but you see what I'm getting at)

So I took my food journal in to show my dr., even though I really didn't want to. I know that I haven't been making the best food choices and I'm frustrated with myself about it. I exercise, I get in my water, I take my supplements, I eat appropriate portions - I'm just not choosing the best foods. Which was my problem pre-op, too. He acknowledged that but was much nicer than I thought I had a right to expect. He focused a lot on the weight that I've lost and the things that are going well and said, "Well, you can't argue with the weight loss" Not that he let me slide on it - he talked about what I should be doing and tomorrow I see the nut and have to really face the music there. She's very nice, too. I don't know why it is that I have so much trouble with this. It seems so easy when we talk about it, but then I drag myself through another day and it's all I can do to get off the couch and eat anything at all. I know all the good things to do - cook ahead, plan meals, only keep healthy things in the house, even just forcing myself to cook something and it's never as big a deal as I make it out to be. I guess I'm just a crazy whack job. But I have come a long way. The choices I'm making now, while not great, are way better than what I was making last year at this time. So I just have to keep working at it. Like Dr. E. said today, I need to develop good habits now b/c in 5 years the surgery won't be helping me so much and it will be up to me to keep the weight off. I know I talk about this a lot - and at length.

Tonight I went and took a Zumba class at the gym! I did this once way back in the spring when I had to wear my heart monitor. I remember that I had such a hard time getting my heart rate down where it was supposed to be - the class kicked my butt. Tonight I definitely worked, but I didn't die! If you're not familiar with Zumba, then clearly you've been living under a rock. The Zumba craze kind of reminds me of the Tae-Bo craze 10 years ago. (I bought into that one, too - I had the tapes! Go Billy Blanks!) It's like a dance class with salsa, belly dancing, Latin moves, stuff like that. It's really loud and high energy and fun - and a lot of work. My class tonight had probably 50-75 people crammed into it. That's a lot of people to hide behind, and trust me - there will be someone there less coordinated than you. There was a man in his 50s in our class tonight! But you can't really be shy and do Zumba - and it would probably be better if you had some dance experience. Or some rhythm. So, if you were not me. But as much as I stress about it, no one is there to watch me. I know you find that hard to believe, but I've come to learn it's true. I'll probably go back. Anybody want to Zumba with me? (If you get the chance to take a class with Angela at American Family West End, I highly recommend her)

Little updates :)

It just occurred to me the other day - when I read other WLS patient's blogs, I always want to know how much weight they're losing. Yet I never post mine. I don't know why. Maybe b/c I already know so I'm not curious :) Anyway, it's not a secret so I thought I'd share. To date, since I started pre-op "boot camp" back in March, I've lost about 75 pounds. It hasn't come off evenly, though. The stats:

• Pre-op (3 1/2 months): 27 pounds
• 1st 2 weeks after surgery: 20 pounds
  
• Next 6 weeks: 17 pounds (yes, this was a very frustrating 6 weeks)
• Last 2 weeks: 11 pounds

I think that comes out close to 75. I'm thinking the goal is to average around 5 lb/week. Everyone has different ideas, though.

This was an exciting WLS-related story: I have these pants that I love. They're from Lands End, just elastic-waist, loose, cotton pants. When I'm at home I practically live in them, and I wear them to sleep in a lot (I have two pairs). I've noticed just in the last week or so that they're really getting too big to wear. This morning they literally fell off of me as I was walking from the bathroom to my bedroom. Just fell off. As excited as I am about the lost weight, I'll be a little sad to lose my favorite pants...