...but it's a beautiful ride." So says Gary Allen. And I happen to agree with him. Today, anyway :)
It's been a long time, but I went running today. (I did about 3.5 miles - an average run - and it nearly killed me. Here's some advice - if you exercise regularly, and you should ;), don't stop for a couple of weeks. It's amazing how quickly you lose everything you've gained) While I ran, I listened to my iPod - of course - and did some deep thinking about my life. Here are some of my thoughts:
- They say that God never gives us more than he can handle. Clearly God knows that battling depression and being fat and single are all that I can handle. (He's right, by the way - those things have broken me more than once) Because he has given me so many good things - an amazing family, a career that I enjoy, and more good friends than any one person deserves. Building 429 has a song where they say "I believe always, always our Savior never fails" that I was listening to while I ran. And I believe that, too. Here's the thing about me - I make a lot of bad choices. And I tell God about them. But so often I don't want to ask him to help me stop. I'm perfectly happy making bad choices. So I just tell him - "Hey, God. Here's what I'm doing. And I'm happy about it. So deal with it." It's probably not the best thing to do, but I figure at least I'm talking to him. Not keeping him out of my life. And I figure he is big enough to deal with it.
- I asked my doctor to put me back on Lexapro, an antidepressant. He gave me 4 weeks worth of samples, and I just started the 4th week. I think it's really helping. I think I need to go to counseling as well, and I'm working on getting there.
- Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my surgery. Hard to believe. I can't even begin to list the ways that my life is different than it was last year (although I probably will soon), or to adequately express my appreciation for the support from everyone in my life. I have never had one person say something negative or unsupportive to me. Not one. That is a truly amazing gift. I celebrated by doing something I couldn't have done a year ago - going to King's Dominion and riding roller coasters. I also went to support group, went over to the Masinick's for dinner and cards with the Palmers, then went to karaoke with the WEPC crew, followed by a late-night meal at Waffle House. Altogether a completely amazing day.
- As I told them at support group last night, it's been an up and down year for me with 9 months of hard work and 3 months of complete failure. I'm still working on not grazing and getting my eating back under control. Slowly, slowly, one day at a time....
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Friday, July 3, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Getting knocked down a peg....or two
So......
You know how I told you Dr. Elliot wanted me to come and speak at his seminar? And I made my little picture book and put my contact information and blog address in it in case people wanted to talk to me? Because, really. How could anyone even CONSIDER wls without hearing my story? Aren't people as eager to hear my story as I am to tell it?
I got a message Friday telling me that Dr. E. wanted me to come speak on Monday at 6. So I left a message at the office telling them that was fine and I would just go to the classroom at 6 on Monday. If they needed to talk to me about it, I left my cell #. I didn't hear from them, so I went on. Turns out the class was at 5 and they just wanted someone to speak at the end - which actually I appreciate because I didn't need to sit through that whole seminar. So I slipped in and listened to the end of Dr. Elliot's spiel. Then he said that he would answer a few questions and then have one of his "star patients" come up to answer questions (CLUE #1). So after a few minutes, he puts up a picture of some woman I don't know (CLUE #2) and asks "Sandra" to come up (CLUE #3). Still, I think he means me and I'm about to correct him and tell him my name is actually Sarah....when some other chick walks up there.
So yeah. They didn't want me after all. (Although I would like to point out that I've lost more weight than this chick. Not that it's a competition. Or that she had as much to lose as me.) This girl gave all the right answers to Dr. E's questions, whereas mine would not have been so "right". (For instance, he asked "Do you get hungry?" and she said, "No" Ummmm, really? You never get hungry? In over a year? Well, I do.) So it's probably best that she went and not me. I tend to say the wrong things. I'm not sure that Dr. Elliot even knew who I was or that I was there to tell you the truth.
That's what happens when you start thinking you're important. God shows you otherwise. I was pretty upset and embarrassed - more than the situation warranted. Because I was way too full of pride. Thanks, God. I guess.
P.S. - I ran 5.5 miles today. I haven't run that far in a long time and I am SORE!!!
You know how I told you Dr. Elliot wanted me to come and speak at his seminar? And I made my little picture book and put my contact information and blog address in it in case people wanted to talk to me? Because, really. How could anyone even CONSIDER wls without hearing my story? Aren't people as eager to hear my story as I am to tell it?
I got a message Friday telling me that Dr. E. wanted me to come speak on Monday at 6. So I left a message at the office telling them that was fine and I would just go to the classroom at 6 on Monday. If they needed to talk to me about it, I left my cell #. I didn't hear from them, so I went on. Turns out the class was at 5 and they just wanted someone to speak at the end - which actually I appreciate because I didn't need to sit through that whole seminar. So I slipped in and listened to the end of Dr. Elliot's spiel. Then he said that he would answer a few questions and then have one of his "star patients" come up to answer questions (CLUE #1). So after a few minutes, he puts up a picture of some woman I don't know (CLUE #2) and asks "Sandra" to come up (CLUE #3). Still, I think he means me and I'm about to correct him and tell him my name is actually Sarah....when some other chick walks up there.
So yeah. They didn't want me after all. (Although I would like to point out that I've lost more weight than this chick. Not that it's a competition. Or that she had as much to lose as me.) This girl gave all the right answers to Dr. E's questions, whereas mine would not have been so "right". (For instance, he asked "Do you get hungry?" and she said, "No" Ummmm, really? You never get hungry? In over a year? Well, I do.) So it's probably best that she went and not me. I tend to say the wrong things. I'm not sure that Dr. Elliot even knew who I was or that I was there to tell you the truth.
That's what happens when you start thinking you're important. God shows you otherwise. I was pretty upset and embarrassed - more than the situation warranted. Because I was way too full of pride. Thanks, God. I guess.
P.S. - I ran 5.5 miles today. I haven't run that far in a long time and I am SORE!!!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Where have I been?
Ok, I know. It's been a long time. There's been a lot going on. I haven't really talked about it very much, but I think it's time for me to go ahead and at least write about it. I feel a little weird - ok, more than a little weird, I'm petrified - about putting all of this out there, but I'm doing it for two reasons - one is for me, to help me process and to help me have a record of my journey. The second is for anyone else out there who is considering or has had the surgery - I want to be honest with you about my experiences. Not to say that everyone's experience is the same. But if you're interested in my story, I want you to hear it all - the good and the bad. So here comes a big 'ole batch of honesty. Probably more than you ever wanted.
I know - have always known - that this surgery is not a magic cure for anything. It's not a quick fix, and it doesn't make you into a different person. But knowing that in my head and really believing it are two different things. I've struggled with depression for a long time - I've been on and off medication; in and out of counseling. I've never really wanted to deal with it, so I've dealt with it as little as possible. Truly I thought that it was just because I was fat. (When the really fat guy in Austin Powers says "I eat because I'm unhappy. And I'm unhappy because I eat." I always tear up even though it's Austin Powers. Because that's how I felt.)
So when it came back about two months ago, it knocked me flat on my back.
And come back it did. It felt like an actual, literal, weight pressing down on me at all times. It makes normal life extremely difficult. Without really being able to explain it, I just have a hard time making it through each day. It's hard for me to work up the motivation or the energy to get things done and bouts of sadness will hit me out of nowhere so I just want to find a corner to curl up and cry. (Interestingly enough - and I use the word "interesting" very loosely here - I rarely actually do cry. Or if I do, for more than a minute. I used to cry a lot. I think I used up all of my tears) But because I am my mother's daughter through and through, I fake a smile and force myself to interact with people and be social.
Some other thoughts that are frequently in my head right now:
- I feel nothing but fat. Fat, fat, fat. In my head, I know that's ridiculous. That after losing 140 pounds, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to go shopping and pick up a pair of size 12 pants. 6 months ago I would have told you that I would be. A year ago, when I was barely squeezing into my size 24s, I would not have even imagined that it was possible. But now - all I see is the smaller sizes on the racks. I still have a lot of fat and loose skin all over me and I hate it. Even in pictures, I still look like the fat girl. I have rolls of belly fat, enormous calves, and saggy arms. It's not a pretty picture.
- Still no one wants to date me. No one has so much as asked me out to dinner. Which is forcing me to confront the idea that it wasn't the fat that made me undate-able - it was just me.
- My eating habits are seriously slipping. I find myself eating more and more throughout the day and I hate myself for it. It's the same pattern I was in before surgery - I'm not hungry, I don't want it, I know I'll be upset if I eat it, but I can't seem to stop myself.
Now here's the thing. This feels like one big pity party for Sarah and, in many ways, it is. But it also feels like I'm just digging for compliments and I truly am not. (They don't really make me feel better anyway because it feels like people are saying it b/c they have to in response to my whining) It also feels like I have no right to say/feel this way because of how blessed I have been to have gone through this surgery.
I don't know for sure if these are typical post-WLS feelings or not, but I feel like they probably are. I did start seeing a counselor, but I haven't been back in a while. I'm working up the courage to go back. I'm spending a lot of time praying, which to be honest, involves a lot of me yelling at God. But he's big enough to handle it. I've considered going back on medication, and that may end up being a good choice for me. It's very hard for me to want to even deal with this, but I'm fighting.
So, there it is - honest, sappy confessions by Sarah. Now that I've put that out there, I hope to get back to more regular blogging. There's a lot going on out there in the world just waiting for me to comment on it. :)
I know - have always known - that this surgery is not a magic cure for anything. It's not a quick fix, and it doesn't make you into a different person. But knowing that in my head and really believing it are two different things. I've struggled with depression for a long time - I've been on and off medication; in and out of counseling. I've never really wanted to deal with it, so I've dealt with it as little as possible. Truly I thought that it was just because I was fat. (When the really fat guy in Austin Powers says "I eat because I'm unhappy. And I'm unhappy because I eat." I always tear up even though it's Austin Powers. Because that's how I felt.)
So when it came back about two months ago, it knocked me flat on my back.
And come back it did. It felt like an actual, literal, weight pressing down on me at all times. It makes normal life extremely difficult. Without really being able to explain it, I just have a hard time making it through each day. It's hard for me to work up the motivation or the energy to get things done and bouts of sadness will hit me out of nowhere so I just want to find a corner to curl up and cry. (Interestingly enough - and I use the word "interesting" very loosely here - I rarely actually do cry. Or if I do, for more than a minute. I used to cry a lot. I think I used up all of my tears) But because I am my mother's daughter through and through, I fake a smile and force myself to interact with people and be social.
Some other thoughts that are frequently in my head right now:
- I feel nothing but fat. Fat, fat, fat. In my head, I know that's ridiculous. That after losing 140 pounds, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to go shopping and pick up a pair of size 12 pants. 6 months ago I would have told you that I would be. A year ago, when I was barely squeezing into my size 24s, I would not have even imagined that it was possible. But now - all I see is the smaller sizes on the racks. I still have a lot of fat and loose skin all over me and I hate it. Even in pictures, I still look like the fat girl. I have rolls of belly fat, enormous calves, and saggy arms. It's not a pretty picture.
- Still no one wants to date me. No one has so much as asked me out to dinner. Which is forcing me to confront the idea that it wasn't the fat that made me undate-able - it was just me.
- My eating habits are seriously slipping. I find myself eating more and more throughout the day and I hate myself for it. It's the same pattern I was in before surgery - I'm not hungry, I don't want it, I know I'll be upset if I eat it, but I can't seem to stop myself.
Now here's the thing. This feels like one big pity party for Sarah and, in many ways, it is. But it also feels like I'm just digging for compliments and I truly am not. (They don't really make me feel better anyway because it feels like people are saying it b/c they have to in response to my whining) It also feels like I have no right to say/feel this way because of how blessed I have been to have gone through this surgery.
I don't know for sure if these are typical post-WLS feelings or not, but I feel like they probably are. I did start seeing a counselor, but I haven't been back in a while. I'm working up the courage to go back. I'm spending a lot of time praying, which to be honest, involves a lot of me yelling at God. But he's big enough to handle it. I've considered going back on medication, and that may end up being a good choice for me. It's very hard for me to want to even deal with this, but I'm fighting.
So, there it is - honest, sappy confessions by Sarah. Now that I've put that out there, I hope to get back to more regular blogging. There's a lot going on out there in the world just waiting for me to comment on it. :)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
So I did it. I finished the Monument Ave. 10k! I finished it and I ran the whole time, which were my two big goals. My secret goal was to finish in under 70 minutes - I finished in 70 min exactly. So 1 second faster.....But that's ok. I finished 14,527 out of 26,242 finishers. I was surprised at how hard it was, but I'm glad I did it. I'm actually doing another one this Saturday - the bridge run in Charleston. I'll be down there for Spring Break anyway and my brother-in-law was doing it, so I said I'd do it with him. I figure if I run 10ks 2 weekends in a row I can then justify taking my spring break week off from running :) I'm not sure what I'll do after that...still thinking about it.
The Monument Ave. 10k also has a costume contest and my friends won it! I was so excited for them! Their Ms. Pac-Man costume was awesome.
2.5 days to go until Spring Break....I can't wait....
P.S. Yes, I realize it has been almost a month since I posted. I apologize. I'll just say that this whole WLS journey has been like a roller coaster - up, down, up, down. This has been a down time. I will post about it at some point - you know how I believe in putting it all out there for others to see :) - but I'm just not quite ready to do that yet. So I've been avoiding it.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
WLS FAQ/C
Before I start in on yet another fascinating post, I have two tidbits to share:
You look great!
My reaction/thoughts - This is, by far, the comment I get the most. (Yes, I realize how snotty I sound saying that. I apologize, but I wanted to share my reaction to it) Mostly, I just smile and say "Thanks". I don't volunteer up information about my surgery or how much I've lost. Some people will ask, and I'm happy to share. I just don't want people to have to sit and listen to me talk about it if they don't want to know. I have two opposite reactions to this, so it's like a Catch-22. Mostly I'm flattered and I think that it's always nice to hear that. But sometimes I get to thinking, "You don't go around telling people who have always been skinny that they look great. Maybe the fact that you're commenting on it now is more of a reflection on how bad I looked before." But at the same time, if people didn't say anything, I think I would be sad, too. So basically there's no making me happy.
Should you say it? Heck yeah you should.
How do you feel?/Do you feel better?/Do you have more energy?
My reaction/thoughts - This question comes in a lot of forms, as you can see. Physically, I actually feel much the same as I did before surgery, except when it comes to exercise. I can tell a huge difference in how much I'm able to exercise. (Hello?!?! I ran 6.5 miles the other day!) Emotionally is a whole different story, but I don't think that's the point of this question. Usually I just respond with "I feel good" although sometimes I will mention the exercise thing.
Should you say it? Sure, if you really want to know more about the person's WLS experience. It's likely to bring on a whole lot of info.
Do people treat you differently?
My reaction/thoughts - Yes and no. This is a tough one for me. Yes, people definitely treat me differently. But I'm so different that it's hard to say if the change is really in me or in the way people react to me. I was relatively outgoing before, but now I feel so much more confident. Before, I would talk to people but always felt like they didn't really want to be talking to me. I was trying to get out of their way so they could hang out with people they really wanted to talk to. Now, I am much more willing to just carry on a conversation or put myself out there - meet up with new people or whatever. Does that make any sense at all?
Should you say it? Well, it doesn't offend me (but not much does). Some people are baffled by the question, although it makes a lot of sense to me. I guess I would say - if you really want to know, go ahead. Or if it's someone who has been pretty open about their experiences. It's not something I would ask someone who doesn't like to talk about, because it can be a pretty sensitive area.
How much have you lost?
My reaction/thoughts - To date, 133 pounds. I have about 25 pounds to go before I'm considered a "normal" weight. I recently hit the "overweight" category, which was exciting for me. (I went from "super obese" to "morbidly obese" to "obese" and now to "overweight") I don't give all that info when people ask - I just give the number :) I love it when people ask me this question b/c I love to tell people but feel weird about just volunteering the information. I can understand how some people would feel weird about asking it, though.
Should you ask it? I would say yes. Most WLS patients I've met are happy to share their successes. However, again, a few may be uncomfortable with it. But I would bet most are prepared for it and if they don't want to answer have something ready like "Just about enough for now". So go ahead. Ask away.
I feel so bad for you not getting to eat!
My reaction/thoughts - Another one that comes in many interesting variations. My reaction is always the same - "Don't!" It's hard to explain, but eating is very different post-op. I'm perfectly happy with what I get to eat. It seems normal to me. I don't feel bad for me, so why should you?
Should you say it? Nah. Why bother? It doesn't bother me, unless people keep harping on it. (Although the girls at lunch tease me about my little meals a lot, but that's all in fun and doesn't bother me at all) But not everyone has as thick a skin as I do :)
What made you decide to do this?
My reaction/thoughts - Well, because I was fat. I looked into it and researched it for a long time before I even considered doing it. I don't have a big "epiphany" story. I never quite know how to answer this one.
Should you ask it? If you are considering having the surgery and don't know if you're ready, maybe. If not, probably not. The answer is going to be "to get healthy" even if it's really "to help me meet boys", know what I mean?
My sister/neighbor/friend/this guy I went to high school with's third cousin had that!.......
My reaction/thoughts - Ok. Thanks. I usually say, "How are they doing?" but I hate it because I always feel like I'm being compared to whoever it is and they're doing better than me. Or they'll bust out some story about all the complications that person had and I either feel guilty for not having any or worried. Still - it's very well intentioned. People are just trying to relate to you. Which is hard for people without weight problems.
Should you say it? Welllll.... I mean, are you just trying to fill a conversational vacuum here? I tend to think that comparing people's experiences is a bad idea. On the other hand, it's not offensive or anything. And it's hard not to say. :)
I know this has been a long one. A couple of last thoughts for you:
- It has been a year since I started this blog! Crazy.
- I have found a use for my rolls of stomach fat. When I'm at the gym using the weight machines, I like to listen to my iPod. It's hard finding a place to put it while I'm working, and it falls off of my lap pretty easily. So I tuck it up under my stomach fat and it stays put. Nice.
You look great!
My reaction/thoughts - This is, by far, the comment I get the most. (Yes, I realize how snotty I sound saying that. I apologize, but I wanted to share my reaction to it) Mostly, I just smile and say "Thanks". I don't volunteer up information about my surgery or how much I've lost. Some people will ask, and I'm happy to share. I just don't want people to have to sit and listen to me talk about it if they don't want to know. I have two opposite reactions to this, so it's like a Catch-22. Mostly I'm flattered and I think that it's always nice to hear that. But sometimes I get to thinking, "You don't go around telling people who have always been skinny that they look great. Maybe the fact that you're commenting on it now is more of a reflection on how bad I looked before." But at the same time, if people didn't say anything, I think I would be sad, too. So basically there's no making me happy.
Should you say it? Heck yeah you should.
How do you feel?/Do you feel better?/Do you have more energy?
My reaction/thoughts - This question comes in a lot of forms, as you can see. Physically, I actually feel much the same as I did before surgery, except when it comes to exercise. I can tell a huge difference in how much I'm able to exercise. (Hello?!?! I ran 6.5 miles the other day!) Emotionally is a whole different story, but I don't think that's the point of this question. Usually I just respond with "I feel good" although sometimes I will mention the exercise thing.
Should you say it? Sure, if you really want to know more about the person's WLS experience. It's likely to bring on a whole lot of info.
Do people treat you differently?
My reaction/thoughts - Yes and no. This is a tough one for me. Yes, people definitely treat me differently. But I'm so different that it's hard to say if the change is really in me or in the way people react to me. I was relatively outgoing before, but now I feel so much more confident. Before, I would talk to people but always felt like they didn't really want to be talking to me. I was trying to get out of their way so they could hang out with people they really wanted to talk to. Now, I am much more willing to just carry on a conversation or put myself out there - meet up with new people or whatever. Does that make any sense at all?
Should you say it? Well, it doesn't offend me (but not much does). Some people are baffled by the question, although it makes a lot of sense to me. I guess I would say - if you really want to know, go ahead. Or if it's someone who has been pretty open about their experiences. It's not something I would ask someone who doesn't like to talk about, because it can be a pretty sensitive area.
How much have you lost?
My reaction/thoughts - To date, 133 pounds. I have about 25 pounds to go before I'm considered a "normal" weight. I recently hit the "overweight" category, which was exciting for me. (I went from "super obese" to "morbidly obese" to "obese" and now to "overweight") I don't give all that info when people ask - I just give the number :) I love it when people ask me this question b/c I love to tell people but feel weird about just volunteering the information. I can understand how some people would feel weird about asking it, though.
Should you ask it? I would say yes. Most WLS patients I've met are happy to share their successes. However, again, a few may be uncomfortable with it. But I would bet most are prepared for it and if they don't want to answer have something ready like "Just about enough for now". So go ahead. Ask away.
I feel so bad for you not getting to eat!
My reaction/thoughts - Another one that comes in many interesting variations. My reaction is always the same - "Don't!" It's hard to explain, but eating is very different post-op. I'm perfectly happy with what I get to eat. It seems normal to me. I don't feel bad for me, so why should you?
Should you say it? Nah. Why bother? It doesn't bother me, unless people keep harping on it. (Although the girls at lunch tease me about my little meals a lot, but that's all in fun and doesn't bother me at all) But not everyone has as thick a skin as I do :)
What made you decide to do this?
My reaction/thoughts - Well, because I was fat. I looked into it and researched it for a long time before I even considered doing it. I don't have a big "epiphany" story. I never quite know how to answer this one.
Should you ask it? If you are considering having the surgery and don't know if you're ready, maybe. If not, probably not. The answer is going to be "to get healthy" even if it's really "to help me meet boys", know what I mean?
My sister/neighbor/friend/this guy I went to high school with's third cousin had that!.......
My reaction/thoughts - Ok. Thanks. I usually say, "How are they doing?" but I hate it because I always feel like I'm being compared to whoever it is and they're doing better than me. Or they'll bust out some story about all the complications that person had and I either feel guilty for not having any or worried. Still - it's very well intentioned. People are just trying to relate to you. Which is hard for people without weight problems.
Should you say it? Welllll.... I mean, are you just trying to fill a conversational vacuum here? I tend to think that comparing people's experiences is a bad idea. On the other hand, it's not offensive or anything. And it's hard not to say. :)
I know this has been a long one. A couple of last thoughts for you:
- I personally do not care when anyone says any of these things to me. You can ask me whatever you want and I will be fine with it. But I have a big mouth. Not everyone feels that way, I'm sure :)
- There are people who get a lot of negative comments. I am so blessed to have great people in my life - I've never gotten a negative comment. Never. The closest I've gotten was "that's scary" or "are you nervous?" That's why there are no negative comments on my list. But if there were beside Should you say it? I would put NO. Because how is that helpful or encouraging, especially to someone who's already done it?
Monday, February 23, 2009
Ready for a break
February has been a crazy busy month for me. The last week has arrived with blessedly little to do on the calendar, and I'm really looking forward to a low key week/weekend. I like being busy and have enjoyed most of the business of the past month or so. And I won't be upset if things come up this week. But still. Some down time is always nice.
I keep thinking that I need to be posting - I really want to have a record of my whole WLS journey. I just don't think that I really have anything to say. Things are just moving along.... I'm currently down about 130 pounds. I did buy a pair of size 12 jeans at Wal Mart the other day. They are probably the only pair of size 12s in the world that fit me, but still...there's one. I'm torn between being excited about this and desperate to hit a single digit size. Crazy, I know. I don't know which is more amazing - the fact that I ran 5 miles today or the fact that I no longer find that blogworthy.
Bad eating habits are starting to creep back in - grazing, "needing" something sweet because I'm so grumpy, etc. Not as bad as they were before, but they are things that I need to address NOW. It's hard for me because even with that, the weight is still coming off. It's hard to remember that won't always be the case. So that's my current struggle.
I promise I'll work on thinking of something interesting to say before I post again....
I keep thinking that I need to be posting - I really want to have a record of my whole WLS journey. I just don't think that I really have anything to say. Things are just moving along.... I'm currently down about 130 pounds. I did buy a pair of size 12 jeans at Wal Mart the other day. They are probably the only pair of size 12s in the world that fit me, but still...there's one. I'm torn between being excited about this and desperate to hit a single digit size. Crazy, I know. I don't know which is more amazing - the fact that I ran 5 miles today or the fact that I no longer find that blogworthy.
Bad eating habits are starting to creep back in - grazing, "needing" something sweet because I'm so grumpy, etc. Not as bad as they were before, but they are things that I need to address NOW. It's hard for me because even with that, the weight is still coming off. It's hard to remember that won't always be the case. So that's my current struggle.
I promise I'll work on thinking of something interesting to say before I post again....
Friday, February 13, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day!
A few of my kids brought me Valentine's treats today, which was sweet. This one made me smile all day:
I've never really been pro or anti Valentine's. Sad, usually, that I'm alone, but altogether rather ambivalent on the topic. While we're on the subject, I should tell you that after 30 years of no one ever wanting to date me - and me not being willing to even if they had wanted to b/c I was so embarrassed by my weight - I am completely clueless when it comes to anything to do with dating. Anything at all. It's sad. I'm basically a 31 year old middle school girl.
Not that anyone is asking me out. I'm just saying. ;)
I've never really been pro or anti Valentine's. Sad, usually, that I'm alone, but altogether rather ambivalent on the topic. While we're on the subject, I should tell you that after 30 years of no one ever wanting to date me - and me not being willing to even if they had wanted to b/c I was so embarrassed by my weight - I am completely clueless when it comes to anything to do with dating. Anything at all. It's sad. I'm basically a 31 year old middle school girl.
Not that anyone is asking me out. I'm just saying. ;)
Sunday, February 8, 2009
A Beautiful Day!
So today we finally had some nice warm, sunny weather - the first time in a long, long time! It was so exciting! So I went to church, then went out to lunch with some friends from church. They were playing ultimate frisbee this afternoon so I went home, threw on an old t-shirt from the play I did in high school (Go Go Go Joseph!), and headed out to join them. I didn't actually play frisbee - I am no good at that and people who take these things seriously would get irritated if I tried to play - but I did play a little bit of basketball, which is awesome. I need to do that more. Then I headed over to the Masinick's to catch the end of their barbeque and play some ladderball. (Awesome game)
While this may sound like an awesome, fun day to anyone, to me it was nothing short of a miracle. Let me tell you all of the things from this day that would have never happened last year - note the phrase "some friends from church". I made friends, which is not something I did well when I was super fat. Note that I went to be involved in some outdoor physical activitiy - not something I could have done fat. Note that I threw on an old t-shirt from high school. It's actually looser now than it was then. Why I kept it all these years, I don't know. My life now is made up of miracles everyday and I'm so, so grateful.
I'm rarely sappy, but today I was just feeling this so much. I even called my mom and told her thank you. Not only did she pay for my surgery, but she encouraged me every step of the way. I have a long, uphill battle still to go but I'm celebrating how far I've come for now.
While this may sound like an awesome, fun day to anyone, to me it was nothing short of a miracle. Let me tell you all of the things from this day that would have never happened last year - note the phrase "some friends from church". I made friends, which is not something I did well when I was super fat. Note that I went to be involved in some outdoor physical activitiy - not something I could have done fat. Note that I threw on an old t-shirt from high school. It's actually looser now than it was then. Why I kept it all these years, I don't know. My life now is made up of miracles everyday and I'm so, so grateful.
I'm rarely sappy, but today I was just feeling this so much. I even called my mom and told her thank you. Not only did she pay for my surgery, but she encouraged me every step of the way. I have a long, uphill battle still to go but I'm celebrating how far I've come for now.
Monday, February 2, 2009
A dream come true!
I've talked before about how much I love really old movie outfits. Well, this weekend I went to a movie character themed birthday party, and I rented a dress and went as Guinevere. (You know? From Camelot? She was a bit of a tramp but the greatest, most idyllic kingdom ever was destroyed because of her?) It was sooooo exciting for me. I love being Guinevere. I want to be her every day. Here are some pics:
The outfit
The hairdo
Not only did I love being Guinevere, but it's amazing to me to be able to wear a costume at all. When I was fat, I could never have found an awesome outfit like this. In fact, I probably wouldn't have been willing to even go to this party. It's so strange how so, so much about my life is different now.
In running news, I've decided to scale back my training a bit. I was using the Y training schedule, but I was combining the novice and intermediate training schedules a bit. So I'm going to stick from now on just to the novice schedule. Although I can do the longer runs from the intermediate schedule, I think I'm running more often now then I was before which is making it more difficult. So I'm going to try and be ok with taking it slowly and setting more realistic expectations for myself, which can be frustrating to me.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
Overestimating my running abilities
So this morning was a 3 mile group run with the training program. Let me first mention that two days ago I ran five miles - FIVE MILES - around my apt. complex. I was so excited and proud :)
This morning's 3 mile run nearly killed me. I mean, it was bad. I was slow, I felt yucky, I didn't think I was going to make it. I don't know if it's because it was so cold or I was running in the morning instead of afternoon like I usually do, or if I just felt worse about it b/c I could see how many people were running faster than me. But it made me, truly for the first time, doubt my ability to do this race. I know that I have 2 months to go. And, truly, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to do anything close to what I'm doing considering where I was a year ago. But you know my family motto - "Good enough is never good enough".
*Ugh* LIFE. Why does it have to be so complicated?!?!
This morning's 3 mile run nearly killed me. I mean, it was bad. I was slow, I felt yucky, I didn't think I was going to make it. I don't know if it's because it was so cold or I was running in the morning instead of afternoon like I usually do, or if I just felt worse about it b/c I could see how many people were running faster than me. But it made me, truly for the first time, doubt my ability to do this race. I know that I have 2 months to go. And, truly, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to do anything close to what I'm doing considering where I was a year ago. But you know my family motto - "Good enough is never good enough".
*Ugh* LIFE. Why does it have to be so complicated?!?!
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Being 31 - ahhhh!
I am not and will not do a sappy reflection on how different my 31st birthday was from my 30th. Because that's just not how I roll. But I will say this - I know I'm different than I was last year, and I got more love and attention for my birthday yesterday than I would have thought possible. I'm clearly in a different place with the people around me, especially at work. To be completely honest with you, it was a bit overwhelming. I'm not terribly shy but I think I'm glad birthdays only come once a year :)
I also decided that since it was my birthday I could eat whatever I wanted all day long. And I did. MISTAKE, Sarah. I'm not going to go into what I ate - because I'm embarassed, and because that's not what I do, and a lot because I don't want to be reprimanded - but I ate basically throughout the day. I didn't get sick or dump or anything, but I did feel generally yucky. And it didn't really help me enjoy my birthday. NOTE TO SELF: Find other ways to celebrate your birthday. :)
So this morning was my first run in the YMCA 10k training program. (They ran last week, but I was in Charleston. Luckily for me, too, because apparently it was 7 degrees last week. SEVEN. This week it was 52. Much more acceptable) We did 2.5 miles today and I did fine, although my knee was bothering me some at the end. I stayed somewhere in the middle of the huge group (there were like 200 people there!). I definitely got passed a lot, but I passed some people, too - mostly walkers. :) They put us into groups based on our projected finish time. I signed up for a wave that finishes in about 70-75 minutes - about a 12:00 mile. That was the fastest group at the training this morning, which is scary. (I'm signed up for the novice runner group - there are some run/walkers - there's also a walkers group and an intermediate group) I hope I'm not in over my head here. I definitely felt like the fat girl that everyone was looking at going, "Seriously? What is she thinking?" It may not be true, but that doesn't stop me from feeling that way!
I also picked up my schedule for the next 9 weeks and surprisingly enough, the most it ever has us running in training is 6 miles, which it only has us do once two weeks before the race. Then it backs the mileage down until the day of the race, which is 6.2 miles. Does this strike anyone else as odd?
I also decided that since it was my birthday I could eat whatever I wanted all day long. And I did. MISTAKE, Sarah. I'm not going to go into what I ate - because I'm embarassed, and because that's not what I do, and a lot because I don't want to be reprimanded - but I ate basically throughout the day. I didn't get sick or dump or anything, but I did feel generally yucky. And it didn't really help me enjoy my birthday. NOTE TO SELF: Find other ways to celebrate your birthday. :)
So this morning was my first run in the YMCA 10k training program. (They ran last week, but I was in Charleston. Luckily for me, too, because apparently it was 7 degrees last week. SEVEN. This week it was 52. Much more acceptable) We did 2.5 miles today and I did fine, although my knee was bothering me some at the end. I stayed somewhere in the middle of the huge group (there were like 200 people there!). I definitely got passed a lot, but I passed some people, too - mostly walkers. :) They put us into groups based on our projected finish time. I signed up for a wave that finishes in about 70-75 minutes - about a 12:00 mile. That was the fastest group at the training this morning, which is scary. (I'm signed up for the novice runner group - there are some run/walkers - there's also a walkers group and an intermediate group) I hope I'm not in over my head here. I definitely felt like the fat girl that everyone was looking at going, "Seriously? What is she thinking?" It may not be true, but that doesn't stop me from feeling that way!
I also picked up my schedule for the next 9 weeks and surprisingly enough, the most it ever has us running in training is 6 miles, which it only has us do once two weeks before the race. Then it backs the mileage down until the day of the race, which is 6.2 miles. Does this strike anyone else as odd?
Saturday, December 6, 2008
What 100 pounds feels like - Sarah style
**Author's Note ;) - I've been working on composing this post for a while now. I went back tonight to edit it down to a manageable, readable length. But then I decided not to. Because I want to be able to go back and re-read it and remember how I felt. So, it's awfully wordy - 10 words where 1 will do kind of thing. But that's just me! So feel free to skim/skip at your leisure, as always**
Well, I posted my before and post-100 pound pictures. So I thought I would also post about what losing 100 pounds feels like. I’m always a little leery about posting things like this – things that make it sound like I’ve met my goal. It’s easy to forget that I still have 50 pounds to go. But I want to remember how I felt along the way. And try to enjoy how far I’ve come, because I get very frustrated very easily. So, because I can, here is...
How it feels to lose a 5th grader...
- HARD WORK. It’s cliche, especially in the WLS world, but in no way was this surgery “easy way out”. I don’t know if that’s still the perception among people who don’t know much about it or not.
- There are about 13,782 rules governing all my meals - what to eat, when to eat, how to eat, how much to eat. I can’t ever just not think about it. There is no cheating when I’m frustrated. I can get sick at any time – sometimes I know what caused it, sometimes I don’t. I miss food, and I miss it being easy. Imagine being on an extremely restrictive diet and knowing that you have to do it every meal, every day for the rest of your life.
- I have to exercise. Have to, have to, have to. And it’s a lot of work. I try really hard to push myself. Both to burn those extra calories and to build the muscle that will burn more calories at rest and help me avoid the excess skin.
- I have to be vigilant about vitamins and supplements. At least 5 pills a day, each one 2 hours apart from all of the others.
- Although, just to confuse you (and me) a little bit, and to bring out my multiple personalities it’s also...
- NOT AS BAD AS IT SEEMS. Yes, it’s a lot of work. But people see me eating such a little bit, or not being able to eat things, and are always talking about how bad they feel for me. And really, once I get past the head hunger thing, I don’t really miss it. My little tiny bit of food really is enough for me. I eat it slowly – it often takes me longer than it takes other people to eat their regular size meals – and it feels like a real meal to me. Someone asked me today about cravings and I’ve found that they’re getting less and less. Because when I crave something and eat it, a lot of times it doesn’t taste very good. After a few times of that, it gets easier not to eat it. I know it sounds like I’m contradicting myself. It’s hard to explain. Roll with me here :)
- RUNNING. I talk about this a lot, so I won’t expand on it too much here. But the difference in what I’m able to do when I exercise is amazing. I can run! I can do an entire aerobics class (remember way back when Zumba kicked my butt?). In fact, the other day I did a Zumba class followed by a Body Pump class. And smaller things – I don’t get winded walking up stairs. You can’t imagine how much time I spent when I was bigger trying to hide the fact that I couldn’t breathe after walking just a few stairs.
- SITTING. I’m not as scared to sit in chairs anymore. I had a constant nagging fear of breaking chairs before. Also of spilling over into people’s chairs next to me at church. (Ok, this is still somewhat of a fear) I’m sitting here right now on my sofa cross legged. Earlier I had my knees up in front of me. I can cross my legs. It’s not super easy, but I do it pretty much every time I sit down. As early as this summer, when I was only like 50 pounds down, I rode on an airplane and didn’t need a seatbelt extender. I feel now like I’m almost to the point where I won’t be embarrassed for people who have to sit next to me on planes or buses.
- BAGGY CLOTHES. I have to tell you – I’m getting a little tired of wearing clothes that are too big. Which is strange, because I’ve always worn my clothes fairly big. I can buy clothes that are too small because I know I’ll fit into them soon. It’s amazing how quickly my clothes get to be too big, while at the same time I feel like I haven’t lost enough sizes. (I know, another crazy contradiction from the crazy head of Sarah) Which leads me to...
- FRUSTRATING. It’s hard for me to know what kind of realistic goals to set. Good enough is never good enough for me. I never feel like I’m losing quickly enough, or I’m doing well enough. I get frustrated about the clothes thing frequently – they’re too big, they’re too small, I don’t have enough.... (see the “hard work” point for other frustrations)
- ON DISPLAY. It feels like people are watching me constantly. They’re not obviously – or if they are it’s out of curiosity, not judgement. I can’t blame them because I do the same thing. But still, whether it’s what I’m eating or how I look, I often feel like a sideshow act :) Of course, I bring a lot of that on myself – I talk about my surgery a lot, and I blog my every action and thought. And I don’t mind answering questions or sharing my experiences at all.
- CONFIDENTER. So confident, in fact, that I dare to use the word confidenter instead of more confident.
- COLD. I’m cold. All the time. Very, very cold. Yes, part of it is losing my 100-pound coat. But part of it is my body adjusting to all the changes.
I’m sure there’s other stuff, too. But that’s quite enough for now, don’t you think?
Well, I posted my before and post-100 pound pictures. So I thought I would also post about what losing 100 pounds feels like. I’m always a little leery about posting things like this – things that make it sound like I’ve met my goal. It’s easy to forget that I still have 50 pounds to go. But I want to remember how I felt along the way. And try to enjoy how far I’ve come, because I get very frustrated very easily. So, because I can, here is...
How it feels to lose a 5th grader...
- HARD WORK. It’s cliche, especially in the WLS world, but in no way was this surgery “easy way out”. I don’t know if that’s still the perception among people who don’t know much about it or not.
- There are about 13,782 rules governing all my meals - what to eat, when to eat, how to eat, how much to eat. I can’t ever just not think about it. There is no cheating when I’m frustrated. I can get sick at any time – sometimes I know what caused it, sometimes I don’t. I miss food, and I miss it being easy. Imagine being on an extremely restrictive diet and knowing that you have to do it every meal, every day for the rest of your life.
- I have to exercise. Have to, have to, have to. And it’s a lot of work. I try really hard to push myself. Both to burn those extra calories and to build the muscle that will burn more calories at rest and help me avoid the excess skin.
- I have to be vigilant about vitamins and supplements. At least 5 pills a day, each one 2 hours apart from all of the others.
- Although, just to confuse you (and me) a little bit, and to bring out my multiple personalities it’s also...
- NOT AS BAD AS IT SEEMS. Yes, it’s a lot of work. But people see me eating such a little bit, or not being able to eat things, and are always talking about how bad they feel for me. And really, once I get past the head hunger thing, I don’t really miss it. My little tiny bit of food really is enough for me. I eat it slowly – it often takes me longer than it takes other people to eat their regular size meals – and it feels like a real meal to me. Someone asked me today about cravings and I’ve found that they’re getting less and less. Because when I crave something and eat it, a lot of times it doesn’t taste very good. After a few times of that, it gets easier not to eat it. I know it sounds like I’m contradicting myself. It’s hard to explain. Roll with me here :)
- RUNNING. I talk about this a lot, so I won’t expand on it too much here. But the difference in what I’m able to do when I exercise is amazing. I can run! I can do an entire aerobics class (remember way back when Zumba kicked my butt?). In fact, the other day I did a Zumba class followed by a Body Pump class. And smaller things – I don’t get winded walking up stairs. You can’t imagine how much time I spent when I was bigger trying to hide the fact that I couldn’t breathe after walking just a few stairs.
- SITTING. I’m not as scared to sit in chairs anymore. I had a constant nagging fear of breaking chairs before. Also of spilling over into people’s chairs next to me at church. (Ok, this is still somewhat of a fear) I’m sitting here right now on my sofa cross legged. Earlier I had my knees up in front of me. I can cross my legs. It’s not super easy, but I do it pretty much every time I sit down. As early as this summer, when I was only like 50 pounds down, I rode on an airplane and didn’t need a seatbelt extender. I feel now like I’m almost to the point where I won’t be embarrassed for people who have to sit next to me on planes or buses.
- BAGGY CLOTHES. I have to tell you – I’m getting a little tired of wearing clothes that are too big. Which is strange, because I’ve always worn my clothes fairly big. I can buy clothes that are too small because I know I’ll fit into them soon. It’s amazing how quickly my clothes get to be too big, while at the same time I feel like I haven’t lost enough sizes. (I know, another crazy contradiction from the crazy head of Sarah) Which leads me to...
- FRUSTRATING. It’s hard for me to know what kind of realistic goals to set. Good enough is never good enough for me. I never feel like I’m losing quickly enough, or I’m doing well enough. I get frustrated about the clothes thing frequently – they’re too big, they’re too small, I don’t have enough.... (see the “hard work” point for other frustrations)
- ON DISPLAY. It feels like people are watching me constantly. They’re not obviously – or if they are it’s out of curiosity, not judgement. I can’t blame them because I do the same thing. But still, whether it’s what I’m eating or how I look, I often feel like a sideshow act :) Of course, I bring a lot of that on myself – I talk about my surgery a lot, and I blog my every action and thought. And I don’t mind answering questions or sharing my experiences at all.
- CONFIDENTER. So confident, in fact, that I dare to use the word confidenter instead of more confident.
- COLD. I’m cold. All the time. Very, very cold. Yes, part of it is losing my 100-pound coat. But part of it is my body adjusting to all the changes.
I’m sure there’s other stuff, too. But that’s quite enough for now, don’t you think?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
What 100 pounds looks like - Sarah style
I can't believe I'm doing this on this very public internet, but here it is. My "before" picture (I could have at least fixed myself up a little don't you think?) and my "I've lost 100 pounds" picture. I've been taking pictures all along (definitely something I would encourage you to do, by the way, if you are considering or have had the surgery) (or are losing weight another way), but always considered them very private. But for some reason I'm feeling brave enough to show them to you tonight. So here they are:
Can you tell which is the before and which is the after? ;) (I'm kidding, of course. Even I can see the difference there). I've been doing these with the self-timer on my camera and they haven't been coming out great. My friend Laura took the most recent one last night, though, and I think I'm going to get her to do them all from now on because I'm pretty sure I look skinnier in that picture than I do in real life :)
I had a fun weekend celebrating my BFF's 30th. Happy Birthday Julie!!!!!
Her dad told me this weekend that I seemed different. I pointed out that I had lost 100 pounds :) He said no, my personality seemed different. He thought that I had become more confident and extroverted without so much extra weight. I don't know if he's right, but I've been thinking about it. I did just post a pretty embarrassing picture here...
Can you tell which is the before and which is the after? ;) (I'm kidding, of course. Even I can see the difference there). I've been doing these with the self-timer on my camera and they haven't been coming out great. My friend Laura took the most recent one last night, though, and I think I'm going to get her to do them all from now on because I'm pretty sure I look skinnier in that picture than I do in real life :)
I had a fun weekend celebrating my BFF's 30th. Happy Birthday Julie!!!!!
Her dad told me this weekend that I seemed different. I pointed out that I had lost 100 pounds :) He said no, my personality seemed different. He thought that I had become more confident and extroverted without so much extra weight. I don't know if he's right, but I've been thinking about it. I did just post a pretty embarrassing picture here...
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
The image in my head
So this is how I motivate myself to keep going on this whole weight-loss thing: I imagine that there is a skinny girl inside me. I'm eating right to get her out. But I'm exercising so that when she gets out she's already fit and toned and ready to go. Every time I'm exercising and I'm exhausted I think "Come on, skinny girl. Get stronger now so you can bust out!" I know. Crazy talk.
Something else new and amazing today - I swear I find something exciting every day. I finally went swimming again. I ALWAYS swim over to the ladder to get out because I'm not strong enough to pull myself up out on the side. I've tried once or twice and it's embarrassing. I figured it was a combination of weak arms and a lot of weight to pull up. Well, today I decided to try it while no one was around. I like flew out of the pool! It wasn't even hard! Amazing.
One of my cousins posted her pictures from the reunion and I swear when I see myself I just look like a fat girl. Which makes me think - if I look so much better than I did before, but I still look like a fat girl......wow. Anyway, there's my Debby-Downer moment of the night.
Something else new and amazing today - I swear I find something exciting every day. I finally went swimming again. I ALWAYS swim over to the ladder to get out because I'm not strong enough to pull myself up out on the side. I've tried once or twice and it's embarrassing. I figured it was a combination of weak arms and a lot of weight to pull up. Well, today I decided to try it while no one was around. I like flew out of the pool! It wasn't even hard! Amazing.
One of my cousins posted her pictures from the reunion and I swear when I see myself I just look like a fat girl. Which makes me think - if I look so much better than I did before, but I still look like a fat girl......wow. Anyway, there's my Debby-Downer moment of the night.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Going a little crazy
I've gone a little crazy about this whole 100-pound thing. I did post it on my Facebook status, which seems a little crazy to me in and of itself :). I'm about to the point where I stop complete strangers on the street to tell them I've lost 100 pounds. Somebody stop me please!
Yesterday I set yet another how-far-I-can-"jog"-without-stopping-to-walk record. 2 miles! I only had about 30 minutes, so I "jogged" the whole time, except for a quick warm up and cool down.
Yesterday I set yet another how-far-I-can-"jog"-without-stopping-to-walk record. 2 miles! I only had about 30 minutes, so I "jogged" the whole time, except for a quick warm up and cool down.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Tired and Whiny
A kid at school asked me if I was pregnant today. Awesome.
I'm having a really hard time getting my head around this whole new-way-of-eating thing. Which is frustrating to me b/c I spent a lot of time getting ready for it and knew what I was getting into. Fully. But I get so irritated that I have to think so much about what I have to eat, and I never feel like eating when I should, or then I get really hungry but I don't feel like fixing anything so I just mope around and get grumpier. Then I get frustrated and start chastising myself, which makes me defensive (with myself, naturally, because this is a normal thing) and even more irritable and want to do/eat something I'm not supposed to just to prove that "I can". To myself. (picture Napoleon Dynamite saying "idiot!" here)
To top it off, I'm just not feeling good. Not sick - nothing that I should actually complain about. Just tired, with frequent feelings of nausea and light-headedness. Plus the whole grumpier-than-Oscar-the-Grouch thing. Maybe I'm PMSing. That would actually be great, because then I would have a reason and know it will be over soon.
To be fair, I had a lot of these same feelings about eating before surgery. But then I would just order a pizza or go to McDonalds to resolve it, and those are not viable options now. Which is good, because that's why I ended up in this position in the first place. But I need to find another way to resolve it. And it has to be one that makes me happy when I'm this irritable, and that's no easy task. As anyone who knows me well knows, once I get into a grumpy-funk pretty much everything just makes it worse. A lot of times, honestly, I just have to take a nap and sleep it off.
I'm having a really hard time getting my head around this whole new-way-of-eating thing. Which is frustrating to me b/c I spent a lot of time getting ready for it and knew what I was getting into. Fully. But I get so irritated that I have to think so much about what I have to eat, and I never feel like eating when I should, or then I get really hungry but I don't feel like fixing anything so I just mope around and get grumpier. Then I get frustrated and start chastising myself, which makes me defensive (with myself, naturally, because this is a normal thing) and even more irritable and want to do/eat something I'm not supposed to just to prove that "I can". To myself. (picture Napoleon Dynamite saying "idiot!" here)
To top it off, I'm just not feeling good. Not sick - nothing that I should actually complain about. Just tired, with frequent feelings of nausea and light-headedness. Plus the whole grumpier-than-Oscar-the-Grouch thing. Maybe I'm PMSing. That would actually be great, because then I would have a reason and know it will be over soon.
To be fair, I had a lot of these same feelings about eating before surgery. But then I would just order a pizza or go to McDonalds to resolve it, and those are not viable options now. Which is good, because that's why I ended up in this position in the first place. But I need to find another way to resolve it. And it has to be one that makes me happy when I'm this irritable, and that's no easy task. As anyone who knows me well knows, once I get into a grumpy-funk pretty much everything just makes it worse. A lot of times, honestly, I just have to take a nap and sleep it off.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Be glad you can't see me right now...
I'm really sweaty and gross. Really gross. I took a picture to show you, then vetoed it as un-bloggable.
I always think that's a great way to start off a post, don't you? More people should do that. Maybe I should lead a blog school.
Anyway, I just got back from using the trail around my apt. complex. And I'm proud to say that I did a jog/walk combo for most of it. I'm not going to say I jogged half of it, but I did do a significant portion which is fairly amazing for me. I literally used to run like 3 steps and feel like I was going to die. If you have never been really fat, you may think that is an exaggeration, but it isn't. I did about 3 miles in 40 minutes, which for those of you keeping track (i.e., me) is an average of about 4.5 miles an hour. When I started out, I was doing about 3 mph. So that's exciting. And encouraging for me because I'm going through a "I can't see the weight loss" phase right now that's pretty discouraging. But I am definitely seeing an improvement in my exercising, which is good motivation for me to keep doing it.
I've been hungry today, which is strange. It's hard for me to know if it's real hunger or just a habit of being hungry in the afternoon after school. Sometimes I don't feel like I eat enough - it almost seems like the weight comes off better when I eat a little more. But most of the time I feel like I eat as much as an average person does. I probably don't, but it seems like it. There was a girl at my school last year who had this surgery (she's not there anymore), and everyone keeps explaining to me how little she ate. Which makes me feel like they think I'm eating more than that and I shouldn't be. Whatever. I'm working on keeping a food journal to take to the doc and the nut this month, so we'll see what they have to say.
I always think that's a great way to start off a post, don't you? More people should do that. Maybe I should lead a blog school.
Anyway, I just got back from using the trail around my apt. complex. And I'm proud to say that I did a jog/walk combo for most of it. I'm not going to say I jogged half of it, but I did do a significant portion which is fairly amazing for me. I literally used to run like 3 steps and feel like I was going to die. If you have never been really fat, you may think that is an exaggeration, but it isn't. I did about 3 miles in 40 minutes, which for those of you keeping track (i.e., me) is an average of about 4.5 miles an hour. When I started out, I was doing about 3 mph. So that's exciting. And encouraging for me because I'm going through a "I can't see the weight loss" phase right now that's pretty discouraging. But I am definitely seeing an improvement in my exercising, which is good motivation for me to keep doing it.
I've been hungry today, which is strange. It's hard for me to know if it's real hunger or just a habit of being hungry in the afternoon after school. Sometimes I don't feel like I eat enough - it almost seems like the weight comes off better when I eat a little more. But most of the time I feel like I eat as much as an average person does. I probably don't, but it seems like it. There was a girl at my school last year who had this surgery (she's not there anymore), and everyone keeps explaining to me how little she ate. Which makes me feel like they think I'm eating more than that and I shouldn't be. Whatever. I'm working on keeping a food journal to take to the doc and the nut this month, so we'll see what they have to say.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Attitude adjustment needed
Ok, I just want you all to know that I KNOW I'm being whiny and pitiful over this whole thing.... I've been reading other WLS patient's blogs (I never know if it's ok to link to them or not? What is the proper etiquette there? If someone has posted their link publicly, is it ok for me to link to it? Or should I check with each individual person? Who knows) and they all seem to have so much more of a "This is hard, but it was a good decision and I'm glad I did it" attitude.
So my goal is to work on that. Know that, despite how unhappy I may feel at any given moment, deep down I know that I prayed about this for something like a year before deciding to have the surgery, and then worked for 6 months pre-op to get ready. So I know it was the right decision for me. But I don't handle pain or discomfort well. And I think my hormones may be raging out of control at the moment and making me crazy.
I came back from Lynchburg tonight after 5 days to find that my rent hasn't been paid (I gave them an automated debit form - this happened last August as well. Frustrating) and that the tickets I bought to go to Charleston next week were both for the same day. Surprisingly, I didn't actually want to fly down to Charleston and leave 30 min. later. So I have now doubled the cost of my tickets in change fees. So you can see why I feel cray.
John 16:33
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
So my goal is to work on that. Know that, despite how unhappy I may feel at any given moment, deep down I know that I prayed about this for something like a year before deciding to have the surgery, and then worked for 6 months pre-op to get ready. So I know it was the right decision for me. But I don't handle pain or discomfort well. And I think my hormones may be raging out of control at the moment and making me crazy.
I came back from Lynchburg tonight after 5 days to find that my rent hasn't been paid (I gave them an automated debit form - this happened last August as well. Frustrating) and that the tickets I bought to go to Charleston next week were both for the same day. Surprisingly, I didn't actually want to fly down to Charleston and leave 30 min. later. So I have now doubled the cost of my tickets in change fees. So you can see why I feel cray.
John 16:33
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Monday, August 4, 2008
Hello from Lynchburg!`
So I've had a few intervals of feeling better this weekend, but for the most part the nausea/pain continues to stay with me. Sometimes it's bad, others not so much. Yesterday while my dad and I were at the mall, it hit me badly and suddenly so I made him leave. It had been about 4 hourse since lunch, so I can't imagine that it was something I ate.... I've been off the Actigall for almost a week now. I'll call my dr. either today or tomorrow and report back in on how that hasn't helped and see what they say. I'm also allowed to start eating real food today! Hooray!!!!!!!!
Emotionally, I'm a bit of a mess as well. Yesterday I went to church with my parents and they were having communion. At their church, the bread is actually homeade white bread cut up into small cubes (less than 1"). They use grape juice. Neither of these are things I'm supposed to have - however, I figured the grape juice in such a small quantity wouldn't have enough sugar to hurt me and that would be ok. The bread, however, I wasn't so sure about. Bread - especially soft, white bread - can get gummed up and stuck in the opening leading out of my pouch. So I figured I was going to have to pass on that, at least for now. My mom assured me that God would understand :) And I knew he would, but it sent me over the edge anyway. I had a moment of "As if I didn't feel different enough being fat and single at 30, and not being able to get the weight off without surgery, then I can't eat what everyone else can and now I can't I even do communion!" I left church, went to the bathroom and cried and cried and cried. Eventually my mom came to check on me, which made me cry some more. So I left and went home.
If you're not, or never have been fat, there's a lot of things about it that you've probably never thought of or wouldn't understand. One of the things that struck me this weekend is how I hate going places in Lynchburg, like their church - where I grew up- with my parents. Because they always introduce me to people and I feel like they must be embarassed to say "This is my daughter." I'm fat, single, and haven't done anything really exciting - I'm not a doctor or a missionary. I'm not really very interesting at all. (So why are you reading this? ;) ) Of course, my parents absolutely deny feeling this way - and they may not. But it's still how I feel every time I get introduced. It's the same way I feel running into people I knew from growing up. "Well, here I am. I haven't really done such a good job of growing up, huh?"
I know, it seems like I'm just having a pity party for myself and doing some whining here - and let's be honest, I am. But I'm just trying to "let people in" to the mind of an overweight person. It's amazing how it affects anything and everything that you do. I'll share some more fat secrets with you another day :) - like how I come up with excuses to avoid trips to amusement parks because I won't fit on any of the fun rides.
As usual, I've gone on too long here. Happy first full week of August everyone!
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
"Body Age"
So, today was rough. My class was AWFUL today. Completely, totally AWFUL. I scooted out of there pretty fast b/c I had to get to the Center of Integrative Medicine for my Body Age Analysis - the first step in this pre-op nutrition and exercise program. I got lost. Twice. I was ten minutes late.
So, here I am - ready to assess my health and fitness which, let's be honest, has no chance of being anything remotely good. And since it's not something that I especially like to discuss, I'm game to do this but I'm not really excited about it. Plus, after my awful experience with the psychologist I'm worried that he is going to be just as disapproving and critical. Add that to my day and me being late and I'm a mess. Completely stressed and ready to burst into tears at the least provocation. So what's the first thing they do? Take my blood pressure. I have NEVER had high blood pressure at all and today it was 141/104. I freaked. Brian (the guy doing the assessment) said it was probably because I was so upset and stressed and they would do it again the next time I was there. There was also a cardiac portion where they measured your resting heart rate and they couldn't get mine to go below 100. I tried so hard to relax - he would leave the room so I could calm down and I just started crying. Luckily, he pretended not to notice :)
Brian was nothing like the psychologist - he was very positive and encouraging, despite the fact that my results were (predictably) not so good. He didn't try and sugar coat it, but he did recognize that I knew they weren't good and that's why I was doing all of this to improve on it. In addition to the blood pressure and the heart rate, I had to answer a lot of questions on the computer, stand on a body mass scale, do a bicep curl to measure strength, a flexibility test, push-ups and sit ups. Actually on the strength and push ups I scored in the average range for my age. Brian said that if they do my blood pressure again and it's back to normal that will take my body age down significantly, but as it was it came out that my body was like a 56 year old!!!! Woah. That's freaky old. I go back tomorrow for a regular doctor's appointment, then next week I start with the nutrition an exercise program.
I was so tired I almost fell asleep driving home. Needless to say, I crashed and took a nap when I got home.
So, here I am - ready to assess my health and fitness which, let's be honest, has no chance of being anything remotely good. And since it's not something that I especially like to discuss, I'm game to do this but I'm not really excited about it. Plus, after my awful experience with the psychologist I'm worried that he is going to be just as disapproving and critical. Add that to my day and me being late and I'm a mess. Completely stressed and ready to burst into tears at the least provocation. So what's the first thing they do? Take my blood pressure. I have NEVER had high blood pressure at all and today it was 141/104. I freaked. Brian (the guy doing the assessment) said it was probably because I was so upset and stressed and they would do it again the next time I was there. There was also a cardiac portion where they measured your resting heart rate and they couldn't get mine to go below 100. I tried so hard to relax - he would leave the room so I could calm down and I just started crying. Luckily, he pretended not to notice :)
Brian was nothing like the psychologist - he was very positive and encouraging, despite the fact that my results were (predictably) not so good. He didn't try and sugar coat it, but he did recognize that I knew they weren't good and that's why I was doing all of this to improve on it. In addition to the blood pressure and the heart rate, I had to answer a lot of questions on the computer, stand on a body mass scale, do a bicep curl to measure strength, a flexibility test, push-ups and sit ups. Actually on the strength and push ups I scored in the average range for my age. Brian said that if they do my blood pressure again and it's back to normal that will take my body age down significantly, but as it was it came out that my body was like a 56 year old!!!! Woah. That's freaky old. I go back tomorrow for a regular doctor's appointment, then next week I start with the nutrition an exercise program.
I was so tired I almost fell asleep driving home. Needless to say, I crashed and took a nap when I got home.
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