A Good Day :)

So today - a whole day of feeling normal! Woo-hoo! I ate normal people food and didn't feel nauseous all the time. I'm excited about it, and hoping that it continues. Of course, I got carried away and ate too much at dinner - a whole 1/2 cup! - and that was a mistake. So I'm learning as I go. Tonight's lesson - measure your food. Eat slowly. And STOP. But that's what these first few months are about.

Hello from Lynchburg!`

So I've had a few intervals of feeling better this weekend, but for the most part the nausea/pain continues to stay with me. Sometimes it's bad, others not so much. Yesterday while my dad and I were at the mall, it hit me badly and suddenly so I made him leave. It had been about 4 hourse since lunch, so I can't imagine that it was something I ate.... I've been off the Actigall for almost a week now. I'll call my dr. either today or tomorrow and report back in on how that hasn't helped and see what they say. I'm also allowed to start eating real food today! Hooray!!!!!!!!

Emotionally, I'm a bit of a mess as well. Yesterday I went to church with my parents and they were having communion. At their church, the bread is actually homeade white bread cut up into small cubes (less than 1"). They use grape juice. Neither of these are things I'm supposed to have - however, I figured the grape juice in such a small quantity wouldn't have enough sugar to hurt me and that would be ok. The bread, however, I wasn't so sure about. Bread - especially soft, white bread - can get gummed up and stuck in the opening leading out of my pouch. So I figured I was going to have to pass on that, at least for now. My mom assured me that God would understand :) And I knew he would, but it sent me over the edge anyway. I had a moment of "As if I didn't feel different enough being fat and single at 30, and not being able to get the weight off without surgery, then I can't eat what everyone else can and now I can't I even do communion!" I left church, went to the bathroom and cried and cried and cried. Eventually my mom came to check on me, which made me cry some more. So I left and went home.

If you're not, or never have been fat, there's a lot of things about it that you've probably never thought of or wouldn't understand. One of the things that struck me this weekend is how I hate going places in Lynchburg, like their church - where I grew up- with my parents. Because they always introduce me to people and I feel like they must be embarassed to say "This is my daughter." I'm fat, single, and haven't done anything really exciting - I'm not a doctor or a missionary. I'm not really very interesting at all. (So why are you reading this? ;) ) Of course, my parents absolutely deny feeling this way - and they may not. But it's still how I feel every time I get introduced. It's the same way I feel running into people I knew from growing up. "Well, here I am. I haven't really done such a good job of growing up, huh?"

I know, it seems like I'm just having a pity party for myself and doing some whining here - and let's be honest, I am. But I'm just trying to "let people in" to the mind of an overweight person. It's amazing how it affects anything and everything that you do. I'll share some more fat secrets with you another day :) - like how I come up with excuses to avoid trips to amusement parks because I won't fit on any of the fun rides.

As usual, I've gone on too long here. Happy first full week of August everyone!

***Warning - May contain TMI***

I'm going to post briefly b/c I am not feeling well at all - however, if people are considering this surgery they need to know everything that goes with it.

I'm still feeling nauseous all the time, and eating and/or drinking seem to make it worse. It's making me exhausted and very, very cranky. I'm wishing that I had never done this in the first place. As my sister pointed out, if this were Weight Watchers and I felt this way I could just cheat. But I can't. I'll get sick. And I know that's why I chose this surgery still....

So if you've looked into WLS surgery at all you've probably heard of a phenomenon called "dumping",which by the way is a name that I hate. I "dumped" yesterday for the first time. I had gone out to a Mexican restaurant with some friends, and I ordered a quesadilla with chicken. I ate just a little bit of the shredded chicken and cheese, which I figured would be fine since basically all I've eaten the past 2 weeks are eggs, chicken, and cheese. But I guess the restaurant cheese had a lot more fat than the cheese I use at home b/c a little while later I was in my friend's bathroom. I felt like elephants were stomping on my stomach, I was sweating like crazy, I was shaking, and I didn't know which end to point at the toilet ;) I stayed that way for about 20 minutes. It was awful, and left me feeling worn out and weak.

I'm just so freakin' tired of feeling bad and not being able to eat things. When you feel nauseous, what do you do? Well, you can drink some ginger ale. No can do - no carbonation allowed. You can eat some crackers - no can do. No bread or crackers allowed. You don't keep eating and drinking stuff - no can do. Have to get a minimum in. So I could go on and on ranting about how sick and angry and frustrated I feel, but I won't.

This is why - first of all, who wants to read that? Second of all - and it pains me at this moment to write this - it will pass. I know it will. I know that lots and lots of people feel this way at this point after surgery (especially the what have I done? thing. I don't know about the nausea.) Ok, off to feel sorry for myself some more.... :)


P.S. - Added later - I wanted to add that I have yet to actually throw up since the surgery. I've wanted to - plenty of times. But I haven't. I very rarely do, as a rule. But if I had a stricture, a serious concern post-op, I would be actually throwing up everything I ate or drink. So it's good to know that's not the problem. And, by the way, I'm updating this at 11:30 at night when I should be in bed because I'm too nauseous to lie down quite yet...

1 month checkup

Ok, well it hasn't technically been a whole month...more like 4 weeks tomorrow. But I went back to see Dr. E today, and I met with Pam, the nutritionist as well. Let me remind you that I am smack in the middle of the why-in-the-world-did-I-do-this-crazy-thing-I'll-never-make-it-
when-can-I-eat-real-food-like-a-normal-person doldrums, in addition to constant nausea. Yesterday I got a sudden pain across my abdomen that was killer bad. I waited it out about 20 minutes and finally took some of my pain medicine and slept it off. So when I got to Dr. E's office and was meeting with his awesome nurse, Michaela, and she weighed me and I found out that I have only lost 6 pounds in the last 2 weeks...... let's just say it took all the strength I had to sit in the exam room waiting for Dr. Elliot and not bawl. But Dr. E said that was a total of 27 pounds the first month (53 pounds lost now total), which was average for the RNY (Since when has average ever made me happy?) and that it was just my body adjusting and getting used to the changes. So he didn't seem worried about it. Me? Worried. Stressed. Unhappy. In other dr. appt. related news...

• ****WARNING***** This bullet may contain a little TMI for some of you. You may want to skip to the next one. Dr. E thought that my stomach pain could be from a number of things, but that it wasn't worth worrying about (clearly he wasn't the one doubled over in pain :) ) unless it happens repeatedly. Michaela, the nurse, said that it could be from constipation and suggested that I start taking Benefiber. So I am. See, that wasn't too bad now was it?

• As for the nausea, Dr.E said that wasn't terribly unusual, but that some patients got nauseous from the Actigall that I'm taking. So he said to stop taking it for a week and see if it improves. Although I don't know what he's going to do if it does help, b/c I'm supposed to take this stuff for 6 months. Maybe there's something else he can give me? We'll see.

• Dr. E and Pam were both pleased with what I'm eating - how much protein and liquids I'm getting in, etc. I talked with Pam for a long time about ideas for things that I can do once school starts b/c it's going to be much harder when I have to get up and get out the door, and pack my lunch.

• Next Monday I get to go to solid foods! Wooo-hooo! Pam suggested still staying with softer foods, but a whole world of food choices are going to open up to me :) I don't even know yet what I'll eat. But I can't wait.

• Dr. E didn't look at my incisions, which I thought was strange. But I didn't think of it until after I left.

Dr. Elliot basically told me that the next few weeks were the hardest time and that once I get through those I'm going to feel much better. I'm clinging to that promise!!!

3 week post-op tidbits and observations

• I rarely feel hungry - more like I eat because I'm supposed to, measure it, and eat how much I'm supposed to. On the flip side, I don't really feel full either. I do have "head hunger" quite often where I really want particular foods, though.

• I've found that water doesn't sit in my stomach very well, especially in the morning. By evening I can usually tolerate it. If I add any kind of flavor to it, though, I'm fine. Even sipping throughout the day, it's hard to get in my 64 oz. If I drink too fast, it hurts! It kind of feels like someone is stepping on my chest.

• Interestingly enough, I tolerate protein shakes better in the morning than I do in the evening.
  

• It's hard to get in 40-60 grams of protein when your total food intake for the day is only 3/4 of a cup! (40 is what my surgeon says, 60 is from the nutritionist)
  

• I've been dizzy a lot more since surgery. You know how when you stand up too fast you get dizzy for a minute? That happens to me almost every time I stand up now. Weird.

• My incisions look awesome. The lowest one is the worst, because my clothes rub against it. It's REALLY hard for me not to pick at them!

• For the most part, I feel as good as I did pre-op, energy wise. I still get tired a little bit easier, though. It seems like so long ago - it's hard to remember that I'm still just 3 weeks out!

• I have take Zantac (an antacid, to prevent acid in my stomach while it's still healing - this lasts for 30 days), Actigall (to prevent gallstones since they are often caused by rapid weight loss - this lasts for 6 months), chewable Flinstones Complete vitamins, and Viactiv for calcium each twice a day. The Actigall, vitamin, and viactiv all have to be taken at least 2 hours apart from each other. The Zantac can be taken with the vitamin or the viactiv, but not the Actigall. So basically every 2 hours I have to take some sort of pill. This is much harder than it seems to remember to do. In fact, right now I just realized I've missed one. *sigh* I put all 6 pills in a little baggie at the beginning of the day to help me keep track of what I've taken and what I haven't. I need a better system. Maybe a watch with an alarm?
  

I have to be honest here - this weekend at my parents, I ate things that I probably shouldn't have. I tolerated them pretty well, though. (On a side note, you may notice that I don't really post what I'm actually eating. That's because every surgeon and everyone's experience are so different. Any time I've been around a group of WLS patients - support groups, online, social gatherings - if someone mentions something they like to eat, someone else has a reason why that's not a good idea. This gets me confused and overwhelmed. So I have a strict rule of listening to my surgeon and ONLY my surgeon. I love blogs where WLS patients post recipes for things they're eating, but that's not going to be me.) Anyway, back to my weekend. Tolerating them and being supposed to eat them are two totally different things. I learned that I get frustrated when other people are eating and I can't, and it makes me want to eat things I shouldn't. Sometimes just to say ha-ha. So this is a problem I'm going to work on. Because I'm only 3 weeks out and that's a slippery slope to start on. I am determined that I will NOT be a person who makes a lot of excuses for things. So, I won't. I messed up this weekend, but I'm starting over.

Today, however, I have not felt so good. I can't imagine that it was leftover from this weekend, so I don't know what it is. I've felt nauseous and a little crampy most of the day. Not serious, call-the-doctor-sick, just yucky. In fact, I never ate lunch and I'm having problems getting my water in. That may be the problem. I had my shake at breakfast and that's all I've had today. I may just have another shake for dinner and go back to liquids until this passes. I also went back to the gym today (yay!) and swam laps. I swam a whole mile - it took me about 50 minutes - and that may have been too much. I felt fine while I was doing it, but when I got out I was definitely sore and exhausted. This heat probably has me run down, too.

With all those negatives, here's something that I have been doing well post-op - eating very slowly, taking very tiny bites, and chewing my food nearly to death. When I ate with my family, my little 1/4 cup (using those little white prep bowls I posted a picture of a few days ago) usually took me longer than it took them to eat their whole meal!

Alright now, be cute one and all!

soft foods

So I've been able to "eat" again for 2 days, and I'm already over it :) Ok, to be fair I haven't exactly branched out yet. I've basically had eggs and cheese. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad to have them. And I have a whole list of other things I need to try. It's just inconvenient. It's hard for me to be patient enough with this thing. Dr. E says that my pouch is still swollen and needs mushy foods only to help it heal. And I believe him, I just.....am anxious. To see results, and to be released from all of these food restrictions. (There are some lifetime food restrictions involved, obviously, that I came to terms with long ago. )

I think I'm tired tonight, and that's contributing to my frustration. I spent most of the day playing games with my friend Theresa and her awesome son Cameron, then went to the pool and played games with some other friends. So while it wasn't exactly a stressful day :), it was full.

First post-op doctor visit

So I just got back from my first post-op visit with Dr. E. I was so excited to go back and be freed to do new things that I was literally dancing in the shower at 11:00 last night. It went even better than I hoped! Since my surgery 2 weeks ago, I'm down 20 pounds (which is completely amazing to me), making my total loss 47 lbs. so far. He told me I could go ahead and start on mushy foods - next stop after typing is to scramble an egg! - and that I could do basically anything I want now. Go to the gym - including weights, which I definitely thought would be later, swim, travel. He said my incisions are looking good and since I'm not having any problems I can start trying new things. I'm sooooooooooo excited! Look out world, Sarah's back!

First follow up

Tomorrow I go back for my first follow-up appointment with Dr. Elliot. I can't wait! I'm excited to get weighed, of course (I've purposely avoided doing it - I don't even have a scale at home) But I'm more excited for him to tell me that I can eat FOOD! I went out and bought eggs and canned chicken tonight in preparation for the "mushy food" stage that I'm hoping will begin tomorrow. I'm also hoping that he'll give my clearance to go to Lynchburg this weekend (shouldn't be a problem) and to start exercising and swimming again (not sure how this one will go). I'm just ready to move on to the next stage of this whole process...

It's weird, because I don't really feel hungry most of the time. But I feel good, like I SHOULD be able to eat anything I want, and I can't which is frustrating. So I will be sure and report back. Happy Monday everyone!

Shopping!

Today I went shopping! And not the dreaded clothes shopping - the fun kind. I got things for me to cook/eat with now that I'm a post-op. I hope that I will really use all of these things - I plan on it! - not only because I spent the money on them, but because it will mean I'm doing the things I'm supposed to. After talking to a lot of people, here are some of my purchases:

Well, actually this was the other day. I went to Target and got a crock pot (which I did not take a picture of b/c it's just a normal crock pot. They had one that had a small dish in it, but it was $45 and the normal one was $17. I went for the normal one. No brainer) and this little food processor, which holds about a cup and a half (more than I will probably ever be able to eat at one sitting):

(by the way, I put everything on one of my average-size dinner plates, just so you can compare)
I also bought this little food scale for me to weigh things like meats on to be sure I'm getting the right amount. The cool thing about this is that the top bucket comes off and the bottom part fits right in it for storage. There's even a lid, which I'm sure I will lose in approximately 3.67 days.

Continuing on in the area of "food prep", I bought little pots and pans! They're soooo cute - and they're blue! (They had other colors, but blue obviously rocked the most)

Moving on to the area of "food consumption", I bought a set of these little prep bowls that will be perfect for me - they hold about 2 oz., or half the size of one of my meals. Just right for me to put my veggies in!

And these are the plates I bought - they're just regular salad plates, so I didn't bother putting them on the big plate for comparison. You know how big salad plates are :) But they're pretty so I'm putting them up!

So all of that was great fun. I also have toddler silverware, that I did not take a picture of. Sorry. I think blogs with pictures are more interesting, so my goal is to put more pictures up on here. Even if they are just of household appliances. So my next job is to re-organize my kitchen (which is tiny) so that I can get to all of these little things, and the big things are put away for when I cook for company. Luckily, my mom worked on organizing my kitchen when she was here so I've got a head start. Go, Mom!

Thunderstorms and Oatmeal

We've had periodic thunderstorms the last few days and I'm loving that as well. They're a double blessing these days b/c I enjoy watching them and when it's not bright and sunny I'm not as sad about the fact that I can't go hang out in the pool.

Plus - tonight I ate oatmeal!!!! It took me about 45 minutes to get the whole bowl down. (I'm using a toddler spoon, which I fill about 1/3 full for each bite) Which is fine except that the oatmeal was cold by the time I got to the end. Which is not quite as yummy as hot oatmeal.... Still, it felt like food and not a protein shake. Isn't it odd that oatmeal is considered a liquid?

Press On

I'm tired tonight.

I've been trying to find the balance between resuming a normal life - which is good for me! - and respecting the fact that I had major surgery less than a week ago. So, I think I did too much. And I ate lunch late which made dinner late ("lunch" and "dinner" being code names for "protein shakes") Being tired makes me easily frustrated - such as with the fact that it feels like a long time before I'm going to be able to eat again.

Game Club was tonight, which was fun of course, but it was late when I came home. On the way home, I heard a song on the radio. The chorus went something like this:

"In Jesus name, we press on
Dear God,
With our eyes on the prize
We find the strength
To press on"

And that's how I feel right now - like I'm just pressing on. But it was a reminder to me that I prayed long and hard before committing to this surgery and decided that it was the right thing for me. I feel confident that, for whatever reason, this is where God's plan for me leads. So that knowledge made it easier to press on. Not easy. Just easier.

I put on some of my favorite Christian music as well, which always makes me feel better. Music is always my favorite part of church, and I am so thankful for Christian artists. Tonight I went to two of my favorites - East to West by Casting Crowns and My Jesus by Todd Agnew. So tomorrow is a new day and I will try to keep the balance better.

Mom's gone :(

Well, I really loved having my mom here to help me out post-op. She has been wonderful, doing everything for me - and I mean everything. Plus, I had a good time with her. But she went home today. She was supposed to start back to school today, so she had already missed one day of pre-school week. If I was feeling bad, she would have stayed another day, but....

I'm feeling great. I am really doing very well. There's a slight ache in my stomach most of the time - it gets worse when I walk briskly - but that's it. I haven't had any pain medicine in a few days, so I can drive. I even slept on my stomach the past two nights! I do get tired more easily when I go walking, so I'm trying to take it fairly easy while still walking regularly per my doc's instructions. He wants me to walk at least 4 times a day, 10 minutes at a time which is totally doable. Sometimes I do stuff around the house or go shopping to count for my walks, and sometimes I walk the path around my apt. complex.

So my goals now, in addition to the walking, the breathing into the incentive spirometer, taking my temperature twice a day and taking my medications, are to get in my fluids and my protein. I've been doing protein shakes (think Slim-Fast),which are going ok. I'm supposed to do 3 a day as my meals. Slim-Fast high protein is my favorite so far, and my nutritionist told us that we could add 1/4 c. of Eggbeaters to it to make it creamier. I tried this, and it was good - plus added 6 g. of protein, which I needed. Our shakes are supposed to be about 20 g. and that one is only 15. So I think I'm going to keep going the Eggbeaters route - extra protein, better texture, and tasteless - that's a win, win, win as far as I'm concerned!

I can also add unflavored protein powder to strained creamed soups or oatmeal, which are allowed on my full liquid diet. But, as one of my favorite bloggers, Eggface, points out - unflavored does not mean tasteless. It means not chocolate or vanilla. So it does add a little bit of a taste. Worse, it adds a bad aftertaste. And I put it in my Magic Bullet to mix it up so it wasn't lumpy, and it made it really frothy which was gross. So I attempted this last night with some broccoli cheese soup and I Magic Bulleted it for a long time and it was really frothy and really gross. So then I tried a protein shake sample that I had that was supposed to be "Roadside Lemonade". Again, I hit the bullet too long and it was way frothy which made it gross. I had a little breakdown about getting my protein in. I tried some protein water a friend had brought me but couldn't get much of that down either. So, on my first day of full liquids I got in about 2/3 of my protein. Today at lunch I tried again - this time with potato soup, and I only bulleted it for about 2 sec. Much less froth, and this time I got about half of it down. I couldn't finish it, so I had some milk later to get the protein count back up. (my doctor wants us to drink milk - some drs. don't) Mostly I'm thinking, though - for right now, I'm fine with the protein shakes so why push this? The shakes are what my dr. recommends, I'm fine with drinking them, and it's way easier so........ maybe I was just bored. :) If I get really tired of the liquid diet, I may just have some soups as part of my liquids, which is ok, but not try to use them to get the protein in.

I have to be sipping pretty much constantly to get my fluids in, which is tough. But I'm working on it. My initial goal is 48 oz. and I'm hitting that every day, but my ultimate goal is 64 oz. and I'm not there yet. I don't know when I'm supposed to hit that 64.

I do find that I miss food some - it's all in my head, I know. Like when my dad brought my grandmothers to visit yesterday and they all had pizza for lunch. And I couldn't even pinch off a piece of cheese! I miss the food and the social aspect of being able to go out to eat - I know this is silly b/c I've only been home from the hospital 3 days. Still, I've been mourning it a little bit. But, soon enough I'll be able to eat again. Knowing that this is a temporary thing, and that I WILL be able to eat again is getting me through it. Also, knowing that most WLS patients go through this "head hunger" makes me feel more normal. It's hard for me not to want to just hit the FF button and be 6 months down the road - having lost a good amount of weight, and comfortable enough with what I can and can't eat to be in a good routine. But it will get here, I know.

My good friends in Richmond are coming over tonight to play game with me. Bless them! I'm off to make another protein shake.....

Home from surgery

Well, I'm 3 days out from my RNY surgery and I finally made it home yesterday. Wed., the day of surgery, I was up and around and moving and feeling great. Thursday, I started out feeling great as well. As part of my recovery, I was supposed to walk laps around the unit (15 laps = 1 mile). Someone a day or two before had set a record of 71 laps and I was determined to beat it. So I spent a lot of time walking and not enough time sipping my water. The liquids weren't going down as well as we hoped, but I honestly didn't pay enough attention. So when they asked me if I felt ready to move to full liquids - a Carnation Instant Breakfast - I said sure. That was when things went downhill - I got so sick after drinking about 2 oz. I was nauseous and in pain - it was awful. I finally got some pills and went to sleep, waking up around 4 a.m. in tears and in pain again. With another round of drugs, I went back to sleep.

So when Dr. Elliot came by around 8 a.m. on Friday morning, I was sipping on water again but hadn't gotten very much in. He said I couldn't go home until I could prove I could stay hydrated, so he said he would check back in at 12 to see if I had gotten my 8 oz. in. He also pushed me back to clear liquids until I could handle them. Well, mid-morning I got sick again and asked for more nausea medication, so they pushed back my possible discharge time to 4 p.m. I was trying to sip a little 1 oz. cup of water in something like 15-30 minutes, then walk. (Just one lap at a time, not the 15 at a time that I tried the day before) Eventually, it got to be working and about 3:30 they said I could go home! We went by Kroger on the way home to pick up my myriad of prescriptions and other medicines (Mom went in while I slept in the car in the parking lot).

So, I'm home - I have pain and and nausea medication to take as needed (today I've taken half a dose of pain and no nausea so far), antacids that I have to take twice a day to cut down on stomach acid, an incentive spirometer that I have to breathe in every two hours, Gas-X strips to help move all that gas they pumped me full of while performing surgery, and gallbladder pills (rapid weight loss often causes gall stones), vitamins and calcium supplements that I start taking after a week or two. I also have to walk at least 4 times a day for at least 10 minutes and take my temperature twice a day. My incisions are looking good - one is a little red, so if that continues I'll call my doctor. I'm not in a lot of pain today - Mom and I have taken a 15-minute walk once today, and gone shopping for a little while which I'm counting as my second walk. I'm staying on clear liquids only today, but they're going down pretty well, so I'm hoping to move to full liquids tomorrow.

So that's the long-winded update on me and how I'm doing post-op. I'm ready to be OVER the recovery process and get on with it already - but I know I need to take this slowly and do it right so that I don't end up back in the hospital. I think I'll take a nap now - after I breathe in my little machine......

P.S. - I did set the new lap record, by the way - 82 laps! :)