...but it's a beautiful ride." So says Gary Allen. And I happen to agree with him. Today, anyway :)
It's been a long time, but I went running today. (I did about 3.5 miles - an average run - and it nearly killed me. Here's some advice - if you exercise regularly, and you should ;), don't stop for a couple of weeks. It's amazing how quickly you lose everything you've gained) While I ran, I listened to my iPod - of course - and did some deep thinking about my life. Here are some of my thoughts:
- They say that God never gives us more than he can handle. Clearly God knows that battling depression and being fat and single are all that I can handle. (He's right, by the way - those things have broken me more than once) Because he has given me so many good things - an amazing family, a career that I enjoy, and more good friends than any one person deserves. Building 429 has a song where they say "I believe always, always our Savior never fails" that I was listening to while I ran. And I believe that, too. Here's the thing about me - I make a lot of bad choices. And I tell God about them. But so often I don't want to ask him to help me stop. I'm perfectly happy making bad choices. So I just tell him - "Hey, God. Here's what I'm doing. And I'm happy about it. So deal with it." It's probably not the best thing to do, but I figure at least I'm talking to him. Not keeping him out of my life. And I figure he is big enough to deal with it.
- I asked my doctor to put me back on Lexapro, an antidepressant. He gave me 4 weeks worth of samples, and I just started the 4th week. I think it's really helping. I think I need to go to counseling as well, and I'm working on getting there.
- Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my surgery. Hard to believe. I can't even begin to list the ways that my life is different than it was last year (although I probably will soon), or to adequately express my appreciation for the support from everyone in my life. I have never had one person say something negative or unsupportive to me. Not one. That is a truly amazing gift. I celebrated by doing something I couldn't have done a year ago - going to King's Dominion and riding roller coasters. I also went to support group, went over to the Masinick's for dinner and cards with the Palmers, then went to karaoke with the WEPC crew, followed by a late-night meal at Waffle House. Altogether a completely amazing day.
- As I told them at support group last night, it's been an up and down year for me with 9 months of hard work and 3 months of complete failure. I'm still working on not grazing and getting my eating back under control. Slowly, slowly, one day at a time....
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Showing posts with label God. Show all posts
Friday, July 3, 2009
Monday, May 18, 2009
Getting knocked down a peg....or two
So......
You know how I told you Dr. Elliot wanted me to come and speak at his seminar? And I made my little picture book and put my contact information and blog address in it in case people wanted to talk to me? Because, really. How could anyone even CONSIDER wls without hearing my story? Aren't people as eager to hear my story as I am to tell it?
I got a message Friday telling me that Dr. E. wanted me to come speak on Monday at 6. So I left a message at the office telling them that was fine and I would just go to the classroom at 6 on Monday. If they needed to talk to me about it, I left my cell #. I didn't hear from them, so I went on. Turns out the class was at 5 and they just wanted someone to speak at the end - which actually I appreciate because I didn't need to sit through that whole seminar. So I slipped in and listened to the end of Dr. Elliot's spiel. Then he said that he would answer a few questions and then have one of his "star patients" come up to answer questions (CLUE #1). So after a few minutes, he puts up a picture of some woman I don't know (CLUE #2) and asks "Sandra" to come up (CLUE #3). Still, I think he means me and I'm about to correct him and tell him my name is actually Sarah....when some other chick walks up there.
So yeah. They didn't want me after all. (Although I would like to point out that I've lost more weight than this chick. Not that it's a competition. Or that she had as much to lose as me.) This girl gave all the right answers to Dr. E's questions, whereas mine would not have been so "right". (For instance, he asked "Do you get hungry?" and she said, "No" Ummmm, really? You never get hungry? In over a year? Well, I do.) So it's probably best that she went and not me. I tend to say the wrong things. I'm not sure that Dr. Elliot even knew who I was or that I was there to tell you the truth.
That's what happens when you start thinking you're important. God shows you otherwise. I was pretty upset and embarrassed - more than the situation warranted. Because I was way too full of pride. Thanks, God. I guess.
P.S. - I ran 5.5 miles today. I haven't run that far in a long time and I am SORE!!!
You know how I told you Dr. Elliot wanted me to come and speak at his seminar? And I made my little picture book and put my contact information and blog address in it in case people wanted to talk to me? Because, really. How could anyone even CONSIDER wls without hearing my story? Aren't people as eager to hear my story as I am to tell it?
I got a message Friday telling me that Dr. E. wanted me to come speak on Monday at 6. So I left a message at the office telling them that was fine and I would just go to the classroom at 6 on Monday. If they needed to talk to me about it, I left my cell #. I didn't hear from them, so I went on. Turns out the class was at 5 and they just wanted someone to speak at the end - which actually I appreciate because I didn't need to sit through that whole seminar. So I slipped in and listened to the end of Dr. Elliot's spiel. Then he said that he would answer a few questions and then have one of his "star patients" come up to answer questions (CLUE #1). So after a few minutes, he puts up a picture of some woman I don't know (CLUE #2) and asks "Sandra" to come up (CLUE #3). Still, I think he means me and I'm about to correct him and tell him my name is actually Sarah....when some other chick walks up there.
So yeah. They didn't want me after all. (Although I would like to point out that I've lost more weight than this chick. Not that it's a competition. Or that she had as much to lose as me.) This girl gave all the right answers to Dr. E's questions, whereas mine would not have been so "right". (For instance, he asked "Do you get hungry?" and she said, "No" Ummmm, really? You never get hungry? In over a year? Well, I do.) So it's probably best that she went and not me. I tend to say the wrong things. I'm not sure that Dr. Elliot even knew who I was or that I was there to tell you the truth.
That's what happens when you start thinking you're important. God shows you otherwise. I was pretty upset and embarrassed - more than the situation warranted. Because I was way too full of pride. Thanks, God. I guess.
P.S. - I ran 5.5 miles today. I haven't run that far in a long time and I am SORE!!!
Friday, May 1, 2009
Where have I been?
Ok, I know. It's been a long time. There's been a lot going on. I haven't really talked about it very much, but I think it's time for me to go ahead and at least write about it. I feel a little weird - ok, more than a little weird, I'm petrified - about putting all of this out there, but I'm doing it for two reasons - one is for me, to help me process and to help me have a record of my journey. The second is for anyone else out there who is considering or has had the surgery - I want to be honest with you about my experiences. Not to say that everyone's experience is the same. But if you're interested in my story, I want you to hear it all - the good and the bad. So here comes a big 'ole batch of honesty. Probably more than you ever wanted.
I know - have always known - that this surgery is not a magic cure for anything. It's not a quick fix, and it doesn't make you into a different person. But knowing that in my head and really believing it are two different things. I've struggled with depression for a long time - I've been on and off medication; in and out of counseling. I've never really wanted to deal with it, so I've dealt with it as little as possible. Truly I thought that it was just because I was fat. (When the really fat guy in Austin Powers says "I eat because I'm unhappy. And I'm unhappy because I eat." I always tear up even though it's Austin Powers. Because that's how I felt.)
So when it came back about two months ago, it knocked me flat on my back.
And come back it did. It felt like an actual, literal, weight pressing down on me at all times. It makes normal life extremely difficult. Without really being able to explain it, I just have a hard time making it through each day. It's hard for me to work up the motivation or the energy to get things done and bouts of sadness will hit me out of nowhere so I just want to find a corner to curl up and cry. (Interestingly enough - and I use the word "interesting" very loosely here - I rarely actually do cry. Or if I do, for more than a minute. I used to cry a lot. I think I used up all of my tears) But because I am my mother's daughter through and through, I fake a smile and force myself to interact with people and be social.
Some other thoughts that are frequently in my head right now:
- I feel nothing but fat. Fat, fat, fat. In my head, I know that's ridiculous. That after losing 140 pounds, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to go shopping and pick up a pair of size 12 pants. 6 months ago I would have told you that I would be. A year ago, when I was barely squeezing into my size 24s, I would not have even imagined that it was possible. But now - all I see is the smaller sizes on the racks. I still have a lot of fat and loose skin all over me and I hate it. Even in pictures, I still look like the fat girl. I have rolls of belly fat, enormous calves, and saggy arms. It's not a pretty picture.
- Still no one wants to date me. No one has so much as asked me out to dinner. Which is forcing me to confront the idea that it wasn't the fat that made me undate-able - it was just me.
- My eating habits are seriously slipping. I find myself eating more and more throughout the day and I hate myself for it. It's the same pattern I was in before surgery - I'm not hungry, I don't want it, I know I'll be upset if I eat it, but I can't seem to stop myself.
Now here's the thing. This feels like one big pity party for Sarah and, in many ways, it is. But it also feels like I'm just digging for compliments and I truly am not. (They don't really make me feel better anyway because it feels like people are saying it b/c they have to in response to my whining) It also feels like I have no right to say/feel this way because of how blessed I have been to have gone through this surgery.
I don't know for sure if these are typical post-WLS feelings or not, but I feel like they probably are. I did start seeing a counselor, but I haven't been back in a while. I'm working up the courage to go back. I'm spending a lot of time praying, which to be honest, involves a lot of me yelling at God. But he's big enough to handle it. I've considered going back on medication, and that may end up being a good choice for me. It's very hard for me to want to even deal with this, but I'm fighting.
So, there it is - honest, sappy confessions by Sarah. Now that I've put that out there, I hope to get back to more regular blogging. There's a lot going on out there in the world just waiting for me to comment on it. :)
I know - have always known - that this surgery is not a magic cure for anything. It's not a quick fix, and it doesn't make you into a different person. But knowing that in my head and really believing it are two different things. I've struggled with depression for a long time - I've been on and off medication; in and out of counseling. I've never really wanted to deal with it, so I've dealt with it as little as possible. Truly I thought that it was just because I was fat. (When the really fat guy in Austin Powers says "I eat because I'm unhappy. And I'm unhappy because I eat." I always tear up even though it's Austin Powers. Because that's how I felt.)
So when it came back about two months ago, it knocked me flat on my back.
And come back it did. It felt like an actual, literal, weight pressing down on me at all times. It makes normal life extremely difficult. Without really being able to explain it, I just have a hard time making it through each day. It's hard for me to work up the motivation or the energy to get things done and bouts of sadness will hit me out of nowhere so I just want to find a corner to curl up and cry. (Interestingly enough - and I use the word "interesting" very loosely here - I rarely actually do cry. Or if I do, for more than a minute. I used to cry a lot. I think I used up all of my tears) But because I am my mother's daughter through and through, I fake a smile and force myself to interact with people and be social.
Some other thoughts that are frequently in my head right now:
- I feel nothing but fat. Fat, fat, fat. In my head, I know that's ridiculous. That after losing 140 pounds, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to go shopping and pick up a pair of size 12 pants. 6 months ago I would have told you that I would be. A year ago, when I was barely squeezing into my size 24s, I would not have even imagined that it was possible. But now - all I see is the smaller sizes on the racks. I still have a lot of fat and loose skin all over me and I hate it. Even in pictures, I still look like the fat girl. I have rolls of belly fat, enormous calves, and saggy arms. It's not a pretty picture.
- Still no one wants to date me. No one has so much as asked me out to dinner. Which is forcing me to confront the idea that it wasn't the fat that made me undate-able - it was just me.
- My eating habits are seriously slipping. I find myself eating more and more throughout the day and I hate myself for it. It's the same pattern I was in before surgery - I'm not hungry, I don't want it, I know I'll be upset if I eat it, but I can't seem to stop myself.
Now here's the thing. This feels like one big pity party for Sarah and, in many ways, it is. But it also feels like I'm just digging for compliments and I truly am not. (They don't really make me feel better anyway because it feels like people are saying it b/c they have to in response to my whining) It also feels like I have no right to say/feel this way because of how blessed I have been to have gone through this surgery.
I don't know for sure if these are typical post-WLS feelings or not, but I feel like they probably are. I did start seeing a counselor, but I haven't been back in a while. I'm working up the courage to go back. I'm spending a lot of time praying, which to be honest, involves a lot of me yelling at God. But he's big enough to handle it. I've considered going back on medication, and that may end up being a good choice for me. It's very hard for me to want to even deal with this, but I'm fighting.
So, there it is - honest, sappy confessions by Sarah. Now that I've put that out there, I hope to get back to more regular blogging. There's a lot going on out there in the world just waiting for me to comment on it. :)
Sunday, May 4, 2008
Happy Cuatro de Mayo!
I'm ready to give the Nutripoints system a try starting tomorrow. It really wouldn't be fair of me to criticize it so much without giving it a try. So hopefully I will start to see some positive results - and, after all, I am committed to some major lifestyle changes here.
I think I've realized the piece that's been missing in my WLS journey - God. How can I do this without him? That's big *duh* that's been smacking me in the face these past couple of days. So I'm really going to work on seeking His guidance and leaning on Him for making this work.
I think I've realized the piece that's been missing in my WLS journey - God. How can I do this without him? That's big *duh* that's been smacking me in the face these past couple of days. So I'm really going to work on seeking His guidance and leaning on Him for making this work.
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