"Life ain't always beautiful...

...but it's a beautiful ride." So says Gary Allen. And I happen to agree with him. Today, anyway :)

It's been a long time, but I went running today. (I did about 3.5 miles - an average run - and it nearly killed me. Here's some advice - if you exercise regularly, and you should ;), don't stop for a couple of weeks. It's amazing how quickly you lose everything you've gained) While I ran, I listened to my iPod - of course - and did some deep thinking about my life. Here are some of my thoughts:

- They say that God never gives us more than he can handle. Clearly God knows that battling depression and being fat and single are all that I can handle. (He's right, by the way - those things have broken me more than once) Because he has given me so many good things - an amazing family, a career that I enjoy, and more good friends than any one person deserves. Building 429 has a song where they say "I believe always, always our Savior never fails" that I was listening to while I ran. And I believe that, too. Here's the thing about me - I make a lot of bad choices. And I tell God about them. But so often I don't want to ask him to help me stop. I'm perfectly happy making bad choices. So I just tell him - "Hey, God. Here's what I'm doing. And I'm happy about it. So deal with it." It's probably not the best thing to do, but I figure at least I'm talking to him. Not keeping him out of my life. And I figure he is big enough to deal with it.

- I asked my doctor to put me back on Lexapro, an antidepressant. He gave me 4 weeks worth of samples, and I just started the 4th week. I think it's really helping. I think I need to go to counseling as well, and I'm working on getting there.

- Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my surgery. Hard to believe. I can't even begin to list the ways that my life is different than it was last year (although I probably will soon), or to adequately express my appreciation for the support from everyone in my life. I have never had one person say something negative or unsupportive to me. Not one. That is a truly amazing gift. I celebrated by doing something I couldn't have done a year ago - going to King's Dominion and riding roller coasters. I also went to support group, went over to the Masinick's for dinner and cards with the Palmers, then went to karaoke with the WEPC crew, followed by a late-night meal at Waffle House. Altogether a completely amazing day.

- As I told them at support group last night, it's been an up and down year for me with 9 months of hard work and 3 months of complete failure. I'm still working on not grazing and getting my eating back under control. Slowly, slowly, one day at a time....

Where have I been?

Ok, I know. It's been a long time. There's been a lot going on. I haven't really talked about it very much, but I think it's time for me to go ahead and at least write about it. I feel a little weird - ok, more than a little weird, I'm petrified - about putting all of this out there, but I'm doing it for two reasons - one is for me, to help me process and to help me have a record of my journey. The second is for anyone else out there who is considering or has had the surgery - I want to be honest with you about my experiences. Not to say that everyone's experience is the same. But if you're interested in my story, I want you to hear it all - the good and the bad. So here comes a big 'ole batch of honesty. Probably more than you ever wanted.

I know - have always known - that this surgery is not a magic cure for anything. It's not a quick fix, and it doesn't make you into a different person. But knowing that in my head and really believing it are two different things. I've struggled with depression for a long time - I've been on and off medication; in and out of counseling. I've never really wanted to deal with it, so I've dealt with it as little as possible. Truly I thought that it was just because I was fat. (When the really fat guy in Austin Powers says "I eat because I'm unhappy. And I'm unhappy because I eat." I always tear up even though it's Austin Powers. Because that's how I felt.)

So when it came back about two months ago, it knocked me flat on my back.

And come back it did. It felt like an actual, literal, weight pressing down on me at all times. It makes normal life extremely difficult. Without really being able to explain it, I just have a hard time making it through each day. It's hard for me to work up the motivation or the energy to get things done and bouts of sadness will hit me out of nowhere so I just want to find a corner to curl up and cry. (Interestingly enough - and I use the word "interesting" very loosely here - I rarely actually do cry. Or if I do, for more than a minute. I used to cry a lot. I think I used up all of my tears) But because I am my mother's daughter through and through, I fake a smile and force myself to interact with people and be social.

Some other thoughts that are frequently in my head right now:

- I feel nothing but fat. Fat, fat, fat. In my head, I know that's ridiculous. That after losing 140 pounds, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to go shopping and pick up a pair of size 12 pants. 6 months ago I would have told you that I would be. A year ago, when I was barely squeezing into my size 24s, I would not have even imagined that it was possible. But now - all I see is the smaller sizes on the racks. I still have a lot of fat and loose skin all over me and I hate it. Even in pictures, I still look like the fat girl. I have rolls of belly fat, enormous calves, and saggy arms. It's not a pretty picture.

- Still no one wants to date me. No one has so much as asked me out to dinner. Which is forcing me to confront the idea that it wasn't the fat that made me undate-able - it was just me.

- My eating habits are seriously slipping. I find myself eating more and more throughout the day and I hate myself for it. It's the same pattern I was in before surgery - I'm not hungry, I don't want it, I know I'll be upset if I eat it, but I can't seem to stop myself.

Now here's the thing. This feels like one big pity party for Sarah and, in many ways, it is. But it also feels like I'm just digging for compliments and I truly am not. (They don't really make me feel better anyway because it feels like people are saying it b/c they have to in response to my whining) It also feels like I have no right to say/feel this way because of how blessed I have been to have gone through this surgery.

I don't know for sure if these are typical post-WLS feelings or not, but I feel like they probably are. I did start seeing a counselor, but I haven't been back in a while. I'm working up the courage to go back. I'm spending a lot of time praying, which to be honest, involves a lot of me yelling at God. But he's big enough to handle it. I've considered going back on medication, and that may end up being a good choice for me. It's very hard for me to want to even deal with this, but I'm fighting.

So, there it is - honest, sappy confessions by Sarah. Now that I've put that out there, I hope to get back to more regular blogging. There's a lot going on out there in the world just waiting for me to comment on it. :)

Make new friends, but keep the old...

one is silver, and the other gold! (can you hear me singing it?!?! I hope I sound better in your head than I do in real life)

One great thing about getting ready to have this surgery is that I'm meeting some really great new people. Tonight I met some girls from the OH board to plan some social events for the Richmond area. It was a lot of fun. I will admit to being overwhelmed - we were loud, and all talking at once about 15 different things. But I met some great new people, and I look forward to getting to know them better. When Theresa sends me the pictures, I'll post one :)

I met with the doctor today - I've been to the "the Center" 3 days in a row this week to meet with Lisa the nutritionist (Mon), Sgt. Bryan (Tue), and Dr. Powell (Wed). They've all been very encouraging and told me that I'm doing well. I know that I'm not doing as well as I could (or maybe even should!) be, but it's good to know that they are happy with the progress I'm making. I'm working hard at it, but there's always one more thing to do...I guess life is like that.

Speaking of, Sue (the "life coach" - the only one I didn't officially see this week, although we did chat when I ran into her in the office) thinks I should try hypnosis to see if I can get past gagging on nasty foods. Hmmmm.... She gave me the card of a hypnotist that she recommends. Still thinking on that one.

LSD day 2

So it's day two of the Liver Shrinking Diet and it's had definite ups and downs. Yesterday was no problem - even went out to CiCis with 2 girls from the OH board and watched them eat pizza and was fine. Today was different. Most of the day at school I felt AWFUL - tired, nauseous, dizzy, headache, congested, you name it. (Ok, so maybe the congestion was from the pollen and not the LSD - you wouldn't believe the pollen around here) At one point I had to just tell my kids to go do math tubs because I was too nauseous and dizzy to even talk to them. Even walking in from recess one of the girls I teach with said I looked like I was about to fall over.

I had some drama with paying the fees from a traffic ticket so I had to go down to the court to pay it today, which meant that I didn't have time to exercise before I met with Sue (my "life coach"). This worked out very well, because it meant I got to go home and take a nap. I felt sooooooooooo much better after my nap and was able to get my second shake in on the way to see Sue. She wants me to find things that make me happy to look forward to each day now that I can't use food for that purpose. She said that don't have to be 10 on the happiness scale, just anything that I can look forward to. (I asked if I could use taking a nap! She actually said yes, but the nap sounded more like a necessity so we should chose something else as well) I haven't thought of anything yet - not that it has to be the same thing every day.

So after I left Sue I went to the gym to swim and ended up doing a water aerobics class which was fun. I may try and do it again sometime. I'm not having much luck getting this nasty sandwich and green beans down for dinner, though. I'm not hungry at all - right now I'm having more trouble getting in what I'm supposed to eat rather than wanting more.

Oh, and I have tried two new things - strawberry yogurt and baby carrots. Both were completely disgusting. They both made me gag. *sigh* I have no idea how I am going to start liking new things!!!!!!

Serious withdrawal

Do you think that I could be having withdrawal from Diet Coke? My "life coach" (and I, in theory) decided that I should just give up soda cold turkey this week (I, of course, had to agree to do it, but I didn't want her to think that I was weak or unwilling to try!) It has NOT, contrary to what people seem to think, made me feel better. In fact, I think it has made me feel worse. My head has been hurting and I'm just generally feeling yucky. I am also about to die to have a Coke. Let's face it, I'll probably go ahead and have one before I go back to her next week. It will still be a serious soda reduction.

My exercise has also been upped this week to 4 times a week, 1-3o minute session, 2-40 minute session, and 1 - HOUR AND TEN MINUTE session. Now, that long one I spend 45 minutes in my "light" heart rate zone and 25 minutes in my "moderate" so it's not really hard. But it is booooooring. And I basically have to do it on the treadmill because otherwise it's pretty hard to keep my heart rate down in that zone. And I feel bad taking the treadmill at the gym for that long. On the subject of exercise, I would like to add that it also does not make me feel better like it is supposed to. It makes me feel better in a "I-checked-something-off-my-list-for-today" kind of way, but not in a "I-have-more-energy-and-feel-healthier" kind of way.

Back to the grind

Someone REALLY does not want me to exercise. In addition to the heart rate thing not working in the pool and the stolen iPod, here's today's story. I was in such a bad mood and my head HURT like anything and I was tired and didn't feel good. The plan was to go to a faculty baby shower after school, go work out, and then go to my first support group meeting - one with my surgeon's office. The pregnant girl was out sick, so the shower was cancelled and I was so fed up I emailed my C'ville teammates to see if they wanted to go out to dinner. I was going to skip it all, and go eat and vent. One of them could do dinner, but I changed my mind. I decided I would just feel more guilty if I skipped everything, so I went home and lay down briefly (didn't really help) then headed off to the gym. I packed stuff for the treadmill and the pool. I checked out the pool and it was almost empty, and I was suddenly psyched about swimming. Then I couldn't get the stupid heart rate thing to work. Once I finally figured it out and went to the pool, it was totally full. But I was already in my suit and had showered, so I was wet, so I decided to get in the hot tub and wait for a lane. I waited about half an hour for an empty lane - and this little tween did totally steal one from me - before I realized that I had to leave to make it to the support group. So I left, angrily. I did, however, enjoy the support group. They were awesome - funny and supportive and, though some people talked more than others, there wasn't that one person that talks all the time that you want to shoot. So that made me happy.

Yes, I know that I had options tonight - I could have asked someone to share a lane (although I've never seen anyone do this at this gym, it did happen at my old one), or changed and gotten on a treadmill. Or even gone back after my meeting (it would have been 8:00 before I even got there) Yes, I know they're just excuses. But DANG. So now that my exercise has been upped to 3 hours a week in 4 sessions (thanks, Sgt. Brian!) I'm really going to have to go every day to meet my goal. I can do it, though :)

I met with the "life coach" this week as well and "we" decided that I should just give up Cokes. No more. Period. This stinks. It is not fun at all, and it's only been one day. We'll see how that goes. I may have to ease into that one...

Next week I go to the nutrition class (which I'm irritated about b/c I've already read the book and I do not have patience for people telling me things I've already read!) and back to exercise with Brian. Then the week after I meet with the nutritionist for the first time (I bet she's never had a case as hard as me!), exercise with Brian, AND back to Sue, the life coach. This week I did the exercise, the life coach, and the support group. I am so totally busy with pre-op appointments, it's making me a little insane...

Fancy new gadgetry

So today I had two "boot camp firsts". This morning I met with the "Life Coach" - like a counselor. I really liked her. She was very sweet and non-judgemental, very much unlike the pyschologist that I met with for my first evaluation. I do not know that I will ever actually enjoy going and talking to a counselor about myself...but I think I'll be ok with going to see this one. One weird thing, though - she didn't have a normal psychologist-type office. It was smaller than a doctor's exam room, with a little counter across the back and just enough room for a table and two chairs for us to sit in. I haven't decided if this is a good thing or not yet!

While I was there, I saw Brian (and let him know that I hold him responsible for how sore my legs are today - he said, "You know what? They're going to hurt tomorrow too." Thanks, guy!) and got my fancy heart rate monitor watch. It had my exercise schedule programmed into it, so tonight I went walking on the path around my apartment complex. This was my "short" workout - I was supposed to do 25 minutes in my moderate heart rate zone. This little watch doohicky kept track of my heart rate, time spent in the proper zone, calories burned, everything. If I went above or below my heart rate it beeped at me. Constantly. Not just one little "you're not in the right spot" beep. A beep beep beep beep beep beep beep until you fix it beep. I may turn that little feature off.

Of course, you don't grow up in Brian Nash's house and think that good enough is good enough. So I decided to try and do just 5 minutes of my workout in my high heart rate zone. Would you know - it records that I did it, but doesn't count the time towards my 25 minute goal! So my total exercise time was about 45 minutes, which was good. I like having this fancy little thing!

I'm off to Wal-Mart to buy fitness equipment - one of the big balls and stretchy cords for strength training, and some decent tennis shoes!

Psychologically UNstable

So I just went and had my pre-op "psychological evaluation". The stupid woman was SO disapproving and critical of me! I hated hated hated it!! She's probably going to tell my surgeon that I am an unfit candidate for surgery - despite the fact that he told me that had never happened before. I'll be the first.

I mean, really woman. I'm so fat I have to have surgery. Did you EXPECT my eating habits to be healthy? Thank you for telling me things that I already know, but making me feel about 3 inches tall in the process.

I'm going granola!

So I went to the Center of Integrative Medicine today. They were the people referred to me (by my surgeon's office) for my pre-op nutritional counseling. I wasn't really sure what to expect. It turns out that it was a 3-month program that includes meeting with the doctor, a psychological exam, meetings with a "Life Coach", individual sessions and large group meetings with a nutritionist, an eating plan (NOT a diet!), and an exercise plan with personal training sessions each week.
Here are the positives:

• I get to work with all of those professionals together to help me figure out a plan that works for me.
• I'm getting a jump start on weight loss and lifestyle changes.
• They give you this heart rate monitor and special watch that monitors and records your heart rate - they download your personal training program into the watch and then when you come back they hook the watch back up to the computer to find out how you did. (Some have referred to it as a "tattletale watch") Really, that's just a cool little technology thing.
• My motivation for chosing the RNY surgery was, "If I'm going to do this, I'm going all the way" If I truly believe that, getting started with extra help now makes sense.
• I can stay with them after the surgery, even have the doctor there become my primary care doctor if I want to.
• The nutritionist I would be working with had gastric bypass surgery and has been very successful, so she's a great resource.
  

Here are the negatives:

• Money. Insurance pays for some of it, but it will end up costing around $1,000. I am NOT taking money from my parents for this - they have already paid for my gym membership and are paying for the surgery. It will take a full third of my savings (I know, my savings are pitiful) but I can do it. I can make it cost a little bit less by not doing the full exercise program, but really when we're already paying tens of thousands of dollars, is a few hundred worth worrying over?
• It requires a big-time commitment. Can I do it? Well, I better be able to b/c once I have the surgery I'm committed for sure!
• The whole practice is very yoga-natural remedy kind of crunchy and that's not really me. Give me artificial sweeteners and antibiotics any day! This will be more of an issue if I end up using them as my PCP, since I don't have one in Richmond yet.
• There's an issue with my psychological evaluation. I have one scheduled for tomorrow with someone else that has been pre-approved already, but the center would prefer that I do it with their psychologist, which makes sense. So I have to see if I can get my approval switched, blah blah blah.

So I came home, thought about it, looked into it a little bit more, prayed about it, and talked to my mom. I've decided to do it. I'm going to call in the morning and ask them what to do about the insurance thing for the psychological evaluation. I may have to pay a penalty for canceling at the last minute. I may tell them to reschedule it for a later date and then call to cancel several days out so I'm not canceling within 24 hours and incurring a possible penalty ;) So we'll see how that goes.