Bad Orange Juice!

So orange juice is not something I'm really supposed to have - my dr. doesn't like me drinking anything with calories and it has a good amount of sugar, although it's natural sugars which are a little different.  But my nut has said that I can have a little every now and then - in fact it's one of the things she suggested I have after a run.  She did suggest that I dilute it and I do sometimes.

But this morning - I woke up (still in Charleston!) and I was thirsty and I just did NOT want Kool Aid.  So I had a little bit of OJ.  Oh. My.  Goodness.  I haven't "dumped" in a long time, but I sure did this morning. Let me tell you - it's no fun.  Sweating, chills....I've been trying to think of a way to describe how my stomach feels.  Angry beavers clawing and chewing at it? Elephants stomping on it? A bulldozer tearing it up and leveling it back down? *ugh*  I actually don't "dump" that much.  I think my stomach is just really sensitive first thing in the morning.  I need to remember that.

I broke in my new bathing suit by taking Abby to the beach this weekend.  Interestingly, I didn't feel any better or more confident than I did when I was fat.  I mean - it was fine.  Just not different.  I will not be showing you a picture of me in the suit ;) - but here is the suit:

(It has a blue skirt that matches it, but I couldn't get that picture to work.  Just picture a blue skirt)

Ok, off to play with sweet Abby!

Where have I been?

Ok, I know. It's been a long time. There's been a lot going on. I haven't really talked about it very much, but I think it's time for me to go ahead and at least write about it. I feel a little weird - ok, more than a little weird, I'm petrified - about putting all of this out there, but I'm doing it for two reasons - one is for me, to help me process and to help me have a record of my journey. The second is for anyone else out there who is considering or has had the surgery - I want to be honest with you about my experiences. Not to say that everyone's experience is the same. But if you're interested in my story, I want you to hear it all - the good and the bad. So here comes a big 'ole batch of honesty. Probably more than you ever wanted.

I know - have always known - that this surgery is not a magic cure for anything. It's not a quick fix, and it doesn't make you into a different person. But knowing that in my head and really believing it are two different things. I've struggled with depression for a long time - I've been on and off medication; in and out of counseling. I've never really wanted to deal with it, so I've dealt with it as little as possible. Truly I thought that it was just because I was fat. (When the really fat guy in Austin Powers says "I eat because I'm unhappy. And I'm unhappy because I eat." I always tear up even though it's Austin Powers. Because that's how I felt.)

So when it came back about two months ago, it knocked me flat on my back.

And come back it did. It felt like an actual, literal, weight pressing down on me at all times. It makes normal life extremely difficult. Without really being able to explain it, I just have a hard time making it through each day. It's hard for me to work up the motivation or the energy to get things done and bouts of sadness will hit me out of nowhere so I just want to find a corner to curl up and cry. (Interestingly enough - and I use the word "interesting" very loosely here - I rarely actually do cry. Or if I do, for more than a minute. I used to cry a lot. I think I used up all of my tears) But because I am my mother's daughter through and through, I fake a smile and force myself to interact with people and be social.

Some other thoughts that are frequently in my head right now:

- I feel nothing but fat. Fat, fat, fat. In my head, I know that's ridiculous. That after losing 140 pounds, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to go shopping and pick up a pair of size 12 pants. 6 months ago I would have told you that I would be. A year ago, when I was barely squeezing into my size 24s, I would not have even imagined that it was possible. But now - all I see is the smaller sizes on the racks. I still have a lot of fat and loose skin all over me and I hate it. Even in pictures, I still look like the fat girl. I have rolls of belly fat, enormous calves, and saggy arms. It's not a pretty picture.

- Still no one wants to date me. No one has so much as asked me out to dinner. Which is forcing me to confront the idea that it wasn't the fat that made me undate-able - it was just me.

- My eating habits are seriously slipping. I find myself eating more and more throughout the day and I hate myself for it. It's the same pattern I was in before surgery - I'm not hungry, I don't want it, I know I'll be upset if I eat it, but I can't seem to stop myself.

Now here's the thing. This feels like one big pity party for Sarah and, in many ways, it is. But it also feels like I'm just digging for compliments and I truly am not. (They don't really make me feel better anyway because it feels like people are saying it b/c they have to in response to my whining) It also feels like I have no right to say/feel this way because of how blessed I have been to have gone through this surgery.

I don't know for sure if these are typical post-WLS feelings or not, but I feel like they probably are. I did start seeing a counselor, but I haven't been back in a while. I'm working up the courage to go back. I'm spending a lot of time praying, which to be honest, involves a lot of me yelling at God. But he's big enough to handle it. I've considered going back on medication, and that may end up being a good choice for me. It's very hard for me to want to even deal with this, but I'm fighting.

So, there it is - honest, sappy confessions by Sarah. Now that I've put that out there, I hope to get back to more regular blogging. There's a lot going on out there in the world just waiting for me to comment on it. :)

Happy Valentine's Day!

A few of my kids brought me Valentine's treats today, which was sweet. This one made me smile all day:


I've never really been pro or anti Valentine's. Sad, usually, that I'm alone, but altogether rather ambivalent on the topic. While we're on the subject, I should tell you that after 30 years of no one ever wanting to date me - and me not being willing to even if they had wanted to b/c I was so embarrassed by my weight - I am completely clueless when it comes to anything to do with dating. Anything at all. It's sad. I'm basically a 31 year old middle school girl.

Not that anyone is asking me out. I'm just saying. ;)

What 100 pounds feels like - Sarah style

**Author's Note ;) - I've been working on composing this post for a while now. I went back tonight to edit it down to a manageable, readable length. But then I decided not to. Because I want to be able to go back and re-read it and remember how I felt. So, it's awfully wordy - 10 words where 1 will do kind of thing. But that's just me! So feel free to skim/skip at your leisure, as always**

Well, I posted my before and post-100 pound pictures. So I thought I would also post about what losing 100 pounds feels like. I’m always a little leery about posting things like this – things that make it sound like I’ve met my goal. It’s easy to forget that I still have 50 pounds to go. But I want to remember how I felt along the way. And try to enjoy how far I’ve come, because I get very frustrated very easily. So, because I can, here is...

How it feels to lose a 5th grader...
- HARD WORK. It’s cliche, especially in the WLS world, but in no way was this surgery “easy way out”. I don’t know if that’s still the perception among people who don’t know much about it or not.
- There are about 13,782 rules governing all my meals - what to eat, when to eat, how to eat, how much to eat. I can’t ever just not think about it. There is no cheating when I’m frustrated. I can get sick at any time – sometimes I know what caused it, sometimes I don’t. I miss food, and I miss it being easy. Imagine being on an extremely restrictive diet and knowing that you have to do it every meal, every day for the rest of your life.
- I have to exercise. Have to, have to, have to. And it’s a lot of work. I try really hard to push myself. Both to burn those extra calories and to build the muscle that will burn more calories at rest and help me avoid the excess skin.
- I have to be vigilant about vitamins and supplements. At least 5 pills a day, each one 2 hours apart from all of the others.
- Although, just to confuse you (and me) a little bit, and to bring out my multiple personalities it’s also...

- NOT AS BAD AS IT SEEMS. Yes, it’s a lot of work. But people see me eating such a little bit, or not being able to eat things, and are always talking about how bad they feel for me. And really, once I get past the head hunger thing, I don’t really miss it. My little tiny bit of food really is enough for me. I eat it slowly – it often takes me longer than it takes other people to eat their regular size meals – and it feels like a real meal to me. Someone asked me today about cravings and I’ve found that they’re getting less and less. Because when I crave something and eat it, a lot of times it doesn’t taste very good. After a few times of that, it gets easier not to eat it. I know it sounds like I’m contradicting myself. It’s hard to explain. Roll with me here :)

- RUNNING. I talk about this a lot, so I won’t expand on it too much here. But the difference in what I’m able to do when I exercise is amazing. I can run! I can do an entire aerobics class (remember way back when Zumba kicked my butt?). In fact, the other day I did a Zumba class followed by a Body Pump class. And smaller things – I don’t get winded walking up stairs. You can’t imagine how much time I spent when I was bigger trying to hide the fact that I couldn’t breathe after walking just a few stairs.

- SITTING. I’m not as scared to sit in chairs anymore. I had a constant nagging fear of breaking chairs before. Also of spilling over into people’s chairs next to me at church. (Ok, this is still somewhat of a fear) I’m sitting here right now on my sofa cross legged. Earlier I had my knees up in front of me. I can cross my legs. It’s not super easy, but I do it pretty much every time I sit down. As early as this summer, when I was only like 50 pounds down, I rode on an airplane and didn’t need a seatbelt extender. I feel now like I’m almost to the point where I won’t be embarrassed for people who have to sit next to me on planes or buses.

- BAGGY CLOTHES. I have to tell you – I’m getting a little tired of wearing clothes that are too big. Which is strange, because I’ve always worn my clothes fairly big. I can buy clothes that are too small because I know I’ll fit into them soon. It’s amazing how quickly my clothes get to be too big, while at the same time I feel like I haven’t lost enough sizes. (I know, another crazy contradiction from the crazy head of Sarah) Which leads me to...

- FRUSTRATING. It’s hard for me to know what kind of realistic goals to set. Good enough is never good enough for me. I never feel like I’m losing quickly enough, or I’m doing well enough. I get frustrated about the clothes thing frequently – they’re too big, they’re too small, I don’t have enough.... (see the “hard work” point for other frustrations)

- ON DISPLAY. It feels like people are watching me constantly. They’re not obviously – or if they are it’s out of curiosity, not judgement. I can’t blame them because I do the same thing. But still, whether it’s what I’m eating or how I look, I often feel like a sideshow act :) Of course, I bring a lot of that on myself – I talk about my surgery a lot, and I blog my every action and thought. And I don’t mind answering questions or sharing my experiences at all.

- CONFIDENTER. So confident, in fact, that I dare to use the word confidenter instead of more confident.

- COLD. I’m cold. All the time. Very, very cold. Yes, part of it is losing my 100-pound coat. But part of it is my body adjusting to all the changes.

I’m sure there’s other stuff, too. But that’s quite enough for now, don’t you think?

What 100 pounds looks like - Sarah style

I can't believe I'm doing this on this very public internet, but here it is. My "before" picture (I could have at least fixed myself up a little don't you think?) and my "I've lost 100 pounds" picture. I've been taking pictures all along (definitely something I would encourage you to do, by the way, if you are considering or have had the surgery) (or are losing weight another way), but always considered them very private. But for some reason I'm feeling brave enough to show them to you tonight. So here they are:


Can you tell which is the before and which is the after? ;) (I'm kidding, of course. Even I can see the difference there). I've been doing these with the self-timer on my camera and they haven't been coming out great. My friend Laura took the most recent one last night, though, and I think I'm going to get her to do them all from now on because I'm pretty sure I look skinnier in that picture than I do in real life :)

I had a fun weekend celebrating my BFF's 30th. Happy Birthday Julie!!!!!

Her dad told me this weekend that I seemed different. I pointed out that I had lost 100 pounds :) He said no, my personality seemed different. He thought that I had become more confident and extroverted without so much extra weight. I don't know if he's right, but I've been thinking about it. I did just post a pretty embarrassing picture here...

My scale is broken.

Yeah, let's go with that.

Now if I could only find an excuse for why my face is breaking out like a teenager the day before prom...

Ouch!

Last night I got on here to write my Last Will and Testament, but decided I was too tired so you guys could just fight over my stuff. Luckily for y’all, I was able to get out of bed this morning after all. I took Body Pump for the third time last night. I’ve been trying to figure out how much weight I should use – and I think I overdid it a bit. A bit. By the end, every muscle in my body was trembling uncontrollably. But I just kept thinking to myself – “No sagging skin! I will not have saggy skin!” so this better work. Surprisingly enough, I was able to get up this morning relatively pain-free. I’ve been a little sore, but nothing like when I first worked out with Sgt. Bryan and could hardly move!

So here’s a tidbit about me – I’M COLD!!!!! No matter where I am when you’re reading this, I’m probably cold. Ever since the weather started to get colder, I cannot warm up. I’ve read about other people with this surgery and I think it’s not so much the loss of weight as it is my body reacting to all the crazy changes and spewing hormones everywhere. I hear the first winter is really cold, but it gets better. Here’s to hoping!

Losing Hair

My hair is starting to fall out. I was expecting it and terrified of it. But, come to find out - it's not such a big deal. Really. I always heard about it as a side effect of WLS, but people never really seemed too upset about it and I couldn't figure it out. Because it seemed like a big deal to me. But, it's not like I'm going bald or anything. It will just thin out a little bit. Right now, it's not coming out in huge clumps but that may change. Then again, it may not. With all of the changes that I have to put up with as a post-op, this one is actually pretty easy to live with.