"Life ain't always beautiful...

...but it's a beautiful ride." So says Gary Allen. And I happen to agree with him. Today, anyway :)

It's been a long time, but I went running today. (I did about 3.5 miles - an average run - and it nearly killed me. Here's some advice - if you exercise regularly, and you should ;), don't stop for a couple of weeks. It's amazing how quickly you lose everything you've gained) While I ran, I listened to my iPod - of course - and did some deep thinking about my life. Here are some of my thoughts:

- They say that God never gives us more than he can handle. Clearly God knows that battling depression and being fat and single are all that I can handle. (He's right, by the way - those things have broken me more than once) Because he has given me so many good things - an amazing family, a career that I enjoy, and more good friends than any one person deserves. Building 429 has a song where they say "I believe always, always our Savior never fails" that I was listening to while I ran. And I believe that, too. Here's the thing about me - I make a lot of bad choices. And I tell God about them. But so often I don't want to ask him to help me stop. I'm perfectly happy making bad choices. So I just tell him - "Hey, God. Here's what I'm doing. And I'm happy about it. So deal with it." It's probably not the best thing to do, but I figure at least I'm talking to him. Not keeping him out of my life. And I figure he is big enough to deal with it.

- I asked my doctor to put me back on Lexapro, an antidepressant. He gave me 4 weeks worth of samples, and I just started the 4th week. I think it's really helping. I think I need to go to counseling as well, and I'm working on getting there.

- Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my surgery. Hard to believe. I can't even begin to list the ways that my life is different than it was last year (although I probably will soon), or to adequately express my appreciation for the support from everyone in my life. I have never had one person say something negative or unsupportive to me. Not one. That is a truly amazing gift. I celebrated by doing something I couldn't have done a year ago - going to King's Dominion and riding roller coasters. I also went to support group, went over to the Masinick's for dinner and cards with the Palmers, then went to karaoke with the WEPC crew, followed by a late-night meal at Waffle House. Altogether a completely amazing day.

- As I told them at support group last night, it's been an up and down year for me with 9 months of hard work and 3 months of complete failure. I'm still working on not grazing and getting my eating back under control. Slowly, slowly, one day at a time....

I can't believe it....

I had a stunning revelation tonight.

I like to exercise.

I do. I've missed running last week. I went to Body Pump and Zumba tonight. (I've posted about Zumba twice before - once pre-op and once post-op. I'm sure I've posted about Body Pump, too. But tonight it's about the Zumba) Zumba was so much fun! And I realized how much better I am at it now. I mean, I was jumping and bouncing while dancing. I distinctly remember doing it before and barely being able to make it through - seeing other people jumping and wondering why they weren't dead. Now I know. They're just not enormously fat like I was :)

It made me happy.

Conquering Old Rag

Some friends from church wanted to go hiking for Memorial Day, so I decided to go with them. I haven't hiked since I lost the weight (I had a disastrous fat hiking experience with my family several years back....), but I figured I could handle it. Then I found out they were hiking Old Rag. I looked it up and it was described as "strenuous" and "very challenging" including a "one mile rock scramble"

*gulp*

I was terrified that I wouldn't be able to keep up, but I was determined to try so I went on.

It. Was. Awesome.

So fun. The first two miles headed steeply up a narrow mountain path. Well before the first mile was over I looked like someone at poured a bucket of water in my head. (I sweat a disgustingly large amount. I need to look into that at some point) The side of my foot was hurting and I could feel blisters developing, but I was keeping up. (It was the same pain I got one other time. I've decided that I must walk differently in shorts and that's what causes it) At our first rest, I put some band aids on my heels and we started up again. The toe stopped hurting, but the blisters got worse throughout the trip. Oh, well.

After those two miles, the last mile up was basically rock climbing. Huge piles of boulders that we had to climb up, slide down, squeeze through, jump over, and basically meander our way through. It was tough but really fun. It helped being with a group because we could help each other through. We stopped frequently to admire the view. When we finally got to the top, it was amazing. We hung out for a while, ate some lunch, battled some flies, and headed back down. The way back down was longer - 4.5 miles - but not nearly as interesting. Most of it was a fire road, so it was an easy walk. We booked it back down, playing the name game to keep ourselves entertained.

All in all, we were hiking for about 5.5 hours. We were disgustingly dirty and sweaty and exhausted. I had a MAJOR blister on my right heel and fairly significant one on my left. We left and collapsed into an IHOP where we devoured dinner.

At one point on the way up, one of my friends asked, "Could you have done this a year ago?" and my answer was a quick "HELL no!" But it's not even no. It was so far out of the realm of possibility that it wouldn't even have been fathomable. I mean, this was a HARD hike. And not just the hike, but the rock climbing....there were places I had to squeeze through that I wouldn't have even fit last year.

So I'm flying high off of this and will be for a while. The fun you can have when you're not fat! Who knew?

Getting knocked down a peg....or two

So......
You know how I told you Dr. Elliot wanted me to come and speak at his seminar? And I made my little picture book and put my contact information and blog address in it in case people wanted to talk to me? Because, really. How could anyone even CONSIDER wls without hearing my story? Aren't people as eager to hear my story as I am to tell it?

I got a message Friday telling me that Dr. E. wanted me to come speak on Monday at 6. So I left a message at the office telling them that was fine and I would just go to the classroom at 6 on Monday. If they needed to talk to me about it, I left my cell #. I didn't hear from them, so I went on. Turns out the class was at 5 and they just wanted someone to speak at the end - which actually I appreciate because I didn't need to sit through that whole seminar. So I slipped in and listened to the end of Dr. Elliot's spiel. Then he said that he would answer a few questions and then have one of his "star patients" come up to answer questions (CLUE #1). So after a few minutes, he puts up a picture of some woman I don't know (CLUE #2) and asks "Sandra" to come up (CLUE #3). Still, I think he means me and I'm about to correct him and tell him my name is actually Sarah....when some other chick walks up there.

So yeah. They didn't want me after all. (Although I would like to point out that I've lost more weight than this chick. Not that it's a competition. Or that she had as much to lose as me.) This girl gave all the right answers to Dr. E's questions, whereas mine would not have been so "right". (For instance, he asked "Do you get hungry?" and she said, "No" Ummmm, really? You never get hungry? In over a year? Well, I do.) So it's probably best that she went and not me. I tend to say the wrong things. I'm not sure that Dr. Elliot even knew who I was or that I was there to tell you the truth.

That's what happens when you start thinking you're important. God shows you otherwise. I was pretty upset and embarrassed - more than the situation warranted. Because I was way too full of pride. Thanks, God. I guess.

P.S. - I ran 5.5 miles today. I haven't run that far in a long time and I am SORE!!!

My journey in pictures

Dr. Elliot, my surgeon, has informational seminars for patients who are thinking about having WLS. It's a fairly standard practice, and that's what anyone who is interested in having it has to do as a first step. We recently got an email from the guy who leads our support group saying that they were looking for post-op patients who would be willing to come and speak at the seminars just to share their story. I told them that I would be happy to (because you know how much I like to talk about my surgery!). I didn't think they would really ask me, though, because 1. I say everything I think and it's not always the "right thing" and 2. I had gastric bypass and most of Dr. E's patients have Lap-Band. Well, I got a call on Friday asking me to come speak at the seminar on Monday. I'm a little nervous about it. Anyway, that leads me to...

I've been taking pictures of my weight loss all along and saving them on the computer. I kept meaning to put them together in an album but hadn't gotten around to it. So this was my motivation to get it done. That was today's project, and it was fun. I put my pictures in an album with little notes saying the date and how much weight I'd loss. Now, for those of you who don't see me regularly, here is the digital version:

August 3, 2007
1 year pre-op

March 28, 2008
294 lbs.
My "before" picture

July 1, 2008
Day before surgery
-27 lbs.


August 12, 2008
-59 lbs.



Sept. 2, 2008
-71 lbs.


Oct. 9, 2008
-89 lbs.


Nov. 2008
Celebrating 100 lbs. lost!


Nov. 15, 2008
-104 lbs.

Dec. 27, 2008
-110 lbs.

Jan. 7, 2009
-121 lbs.

Jan. 31, 2009
Costume party!
(not something I would have done pre-op!)

March 5, 2009
-134 lbs.


March 28, 2009
My first race!
10k (6.2 miles) in 70 minutes



Current pic. - early May 2009
-140 lbs.
(I'm the one on your far left, if you don't know me well enough to recognize me...)

Thanks for indulging me!

Bad Orange Juice!

So orange juice is not something I'm really supposed to have - my dr. doesn't like me drinking anything with calories and it has a good amount of sugar, although it's natural sugars which are a little different.  But my nut has said that I can have a little every now and then - in fact it's one of the things she suggested I have after a run.  She did suggest that I dilute it and I do sometimes.

But this morning - I woke up (still in Charleston!) and I was thirsty and I just did NOT want Kool Aid.  So I had a little bit of OJ.  Oh. My.  Goodness.  I haven't "dumped" in a long time, but I sure did this morning. Let me tell you - it's no fun.  Sweating, chills....I've been trying to think of a way to describe how my stomach feels.  Angry beavers clawing and chewing at it? Elephants stomping on it? A bulldozer tearing it up and leveling it back down? *ugh*  I actually don't "dump" that much.  I think my stomach is just really sensitive first thing in the morning.  I need to remember that.

I broke in my new bathing suit by taking Abby to the beach this weekend.  Interestingly, I didn't feel any better or more confident than I did when I was fat.  I mean - it was fine.  Just not different.  I will not be showing you a picture of me in the suit ;) - but here is the suit:

(It has a blue skirt that matches it, but I couldn't get that picture to work.  Just picture a blue skirt)

Ok, off to play with sweet Abby!

Today

So my landlords royally ticked me off today. Royally. I was as rude to them as I have ever been (intentionally) to anyone. Anyway. It's been pouring down rain for ages and ages and ages. I was so frustrated that I went running. In the rain. For 4 miles. It helped somewhat.

Then I realized - wow. I didn't want to nap. I didn't want to eat. I wanted to run. When did that happen? When did I become one of "those" people? I never ever ever in a million years thought that I would. I love sleeping - and eating - too much. But it was the right thing for me today. Although I'm not sure that it would have been as satisfying if it had been sunny.

I also went bathing suit shopping today - *blech* That's never fun. Even after losing 140 pounds. It was actually harder, I think. Before there was no expectation of looking good. It was "find one that fits and covers a lot and just go with it" But now....there's still a lot to cover and I'm not "looking good". It's just hard. But I got one that I ordered from Land's End that I think I'll keep and I'll keep looking for a second one. I love love love to swim, so I'm not going to let the fact that I look ridiculous in a bathing suit stop me :)

I also bought a cute little summer halter dress - at Express, no less. We'll see if it makes it to the "keep" pile. I'm loving summer dresses right now!

Where have I been?

Ok, I know. It's been a long time. There's been a lot going on. I haven't really talked about it very much, but I think it's time for me to go ahead and at least write about it. I feel a little weird - ok, more than a little weird, I'm petrified - about putting all of this out there, but I'm doing it for two reasons - one is for me, to help me process and to help me have a record of my journey. The second is for anyone else out there who is considering or has had the surgery - I want to be honest with you about my experiences. Not to say that everyone's experience is the same. But if you're interested in my story, I want you to hear it all - the good and the bad. So here comes a big 'ole batch of honesty. Probably more than you ever wanted.

I know - have always known - that this surgery is not a magic cure for anything. It's not a quick fix, and it doesn't make you into a different person. But knowing that in my head and really believing it are two different things. I've struggled with depression for a long time - I've been on and off medication; in and out of counseling. I've never really wanted to deal with it, so I've dealt with it as little as possible. Truly I thought that it was just because I was fat. (When the really fat guy in Austin Powers says "I eat because I'm unhappy. And I'm unhappy because I eat." I always tear up even though it's Austin Powers. Because that's how I felt.)

So when it came back about two months ago, it knocked me flat on my back.

And come back it did. It felt like an actual, literal, weight pressing down on me at all times. It makes normal life extremely difficult. Without really being able to explain it, I just have a hard time making it through each day. It's hard for me to work up the motivation or the energy to get things done and bouts of sadness will hit me out of nowhere so I just want to find a corner to curl up and cry. (Interestingly enough - and I use the word "interesting" very loosely here - I rarely actually do cry. Or if I do, for more than a minute. I used to cry a lot. I think I used up all of my tears) But because I am my mother's daughter through and through, I fake a smile and force myself to interact with people and be social.

Some other thoughts that are frequently in my head right now:

- I feel nothing but fat. Fat, fat, fat. In my head, I know that's ridiculous. That after losing 140 pounds, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to go shopping and pick up a pair of size 12 pants. 6 months ago I would have told you that I would be. A year ago, when I was barely squeezing into my size 24s, I would not have even imagined that it was possible. But now - all I see is the smaller sizes on the racks. I still have a lot of fat and loose skin all over me and I hate it. Even in pictures, I still look like the fat girl. I have rolls of belly fat, enormous calves, and saggy arms. It's not a pretty picture.

- Still no one wants to date me. No one has so much as asked me out to dinner. Which is forcing me to confront the idea that it wasn't the fat that made me undate-able - it was just me.

- My eating habits are seriously slipping. I find myself eating more and more throughout the day and I hate myself for it. It's the same pattern I was in before surgery - I'm not hungry, I don't want it, I know I'll be upset if I eat it, but I can't seem to stop myself.

Now here's the thing. This feels like one big pity party for Sarah and, in many ways, it is. But it also feels like I'm just digging for compliments and I truly am not. (They don't really make me feel better anyway because it feels like people are saying it b/c they have to in response to my whining) It also feels like I have no right to say/feel this way because of how blessed I have been to have gone through this surgery.

I don't know for sure if these are typical post-WLS feelings or not, but I feel like they probably are. I did start seeing a counselor, but I haven't been back in a while. I'm working up the courage to go back. I'm spending a lot of time praying, which to be honest, involves a lot of me yelling at God. But he's big enough to handle it. I've considered going back on medication, and that may end up being a good choice for me. It's very hard for me to want to even deal with this, but I'm fighting.

So, there it is - honest, sappy confessions by Sarah. Now that I've put that out there, I hope to get back to more regular blogging. There's a lot going on out there in the world just waiting for me to comment on it. :)

So I did it. I finished the Monument Ave. 10k! I finished it and I ran the whole time, which were my two big goals. My secret goal was to finish in under 70 minutes - I finished in 70 min exactly. So 1 second faster.....But that's ok. I finished 14,527 out of 26,242 finishers. I was surprised at how hard it was, but I'm glad I did it. I'm actually doing another one this Saturday - the bridge run in Charleston. I'll be down there for Spring Break anyway and my brother-in-law was doing it, so I said I'd do it with him. I figure if I run 10ks 2 weekends in a row I can then justify taking my spring break week off from running :) I'm not sure what I'll do after that...still thinking about it.

The Monument Ave. 10k also has a costume contest and my friends won it! I was so excited for them! Their Ms. Pac-Man costume was awesome.

2.5 days to go until Spring Break....I can't wait....

P.S. Yes, I realize it has been almost a month since I posted. I apologize. I'll just say that this whole WLS journey has been like a roller coaster - up, down, up, down. This has been a down time. I will post about it at some point - you know how I believe in putting it all out there for others to see :) - but I'm just not quite ready to do that yet. So I've been avoiding it.

WLS FAQ/C

Before I start in on yet another fascinating post, I have two tidbits to share:

1. It has been a year since I started this blog! Crazy.
2. I have found a use for my rolls of stomach fat. When I'm at the gym using the weight machines, I like to listen to my iPod. It's hard finding a place to put it while I'm working, and it falls off of my lap pretty easily. So I tuck it up under my stomach fat and it stays put. Nice.

I thought I would post a WLS FAQ /C (Frequently Asked Questions/Comments, for those of you not "in the know) to share with everyone the things that people say to me most often since my surgery as well as my response. I don't mind answering the questions at all - you know how much I talk about my surgery! Still, here it is for those of you who want to know - what people say, my thoughts, and if you should say it to someone who has had WLS:


You look great!
My reaction/thoughts - This is, by far, the comment I get the most. (Yes, I realize how snotty I sound saying that. I apologize, but I wanted to share my reaction to it) Mostly, I just smile and say "Thanks". I don't volunteer up information about my surgery or how much I've lost. Some people will ask, and I'm happy to share. I just don't want people to have to sit and listen to me talk about it if they don't want to know. I have two opposite reactions to this, so it's like a Catch-22. Mostly I'm flattered and I think that it's always nice to hear that. But sometimes I get to thinking, "You don't go around telling people who have always been skinny that they look great. Maybe the fact that you're commenting on it now is more of a reflection on how bad I looked before." But at the same time, if people didn't say anything, I think I would be sad, too. So basically there's no making me happy.

Should you say it? Heck yeah you should.


How do you feel?/Do you feel better?/Do you have more energy?
My reaction/thoughts - This question comes in a lot of forms, as you can see. Physically, I actually feel much the same as I did before surgery, except when it comes to exercise. I can tell a huge difference in how much I'm able to exercise. (Hello?!?! I ran 6.5 miles the other day!) Emotionally is a whole different story, but I don't think that's the point of this question. Usually I just respond with "I feel good" although sometimes I will mention the exercise thing.

Should you say it? Sure, if you really want to know more about the person's WLS experience. It's likely to bring on a whole lot of info.


Do people treat you differently?
My reaction/thoughts - Yes and no. This is a tough one for me. Yes, people definitely treat me differently. But I'm so different that it's hard to say if the change is really in me or in the way people react to me. I was relatively outgoing before, but now I feel so much more confident. Before, I would talk to people but always felt like they didn't really want to be talking to me. I was trying to get out of their way so they could hang out with people they really wanted to talk to. Now, I am much more willing to just carry on a conversation or put myself out there - meet up with new people or whatever. Does that make any sense at all?

Should you say it? Well, it doesn't offend me (but not much does). Some people are baffled by the question, although it makes a lot of sense to me. I guess I would say - if you really want to know, go ahead. Or if it's someone who has been pretty open about their experiences. It's not something I would ask someone who doesn't like to talk about, because it can be a pretty sensitive area.


How much have you lost?
My reaction/thoughts - To date, 133 pounds. I have about 25 pounds to go before I'm considered a "normal" weight. I recently hit the "overweight" category, which was exciting for me. (I went from "super obese" to "morbidly obese" to "obese" and now to "overweight") I don't give all that info when people ask - I just give the number :) I love it when people ask me this question b/c I love to tell people but feel weird about just volunteering the information. I can understand how some people would feel weird about asking it, though.

Should you ask it? I would say yes. Most WLS patients I've met are happy to share their successes. However, again, a few may be uncomfortable with it. But I would bet most are prepared for it and if they don't want to answer have something ready like "Just about enough for now". So go ahead. Ask away.


I feel so bad for you not getting to eat!
My reaction/thoughts - Another one that comes in many interesting variations. My reaction is always the same - "Don't!" It's hard to explain, but eating is very different post-op. I'm perfectly happy with what I get to eat. It seems normal to me. I don't feel bad for me, so why should you?

Should you say it? Nah. Why bother? It doesn't bother me, unless people keep harping on it. (Although the girls at lunch tease me about my little meals a lot, but that's all in fun and doesn't bother me at all) But not everyone has as thick a skin as I do :)


What made you decide to do this?
My reaction/thoughts - Well, because I was fat. I looked into it and researched it for a long time before I even considered doing it. I don't have a big "epiphany" story. I never quite know how to answer this one.

Should you ask it? If you are considering having the surgery and don't know if you're ready, maybe. If not, probably not. The answer is going to be "to get healthy" even if it's really "to help me meet boys", know what I mean?


My sister/neighbor/friend/this guy I went to high school with's third cousin had that!.......

My reaction/thoughts - Ok. Thanks. I usually say, "How are they doing?" but I hate it because I always feel like I'm being compared to whoever it is and they're doing better than me. Or they'll bust out some story about all the complications that person had and I either feel guilty for not having any or worried. Still - it's very well intentioned. People are just trying to relate to you. Which is hard for people without weight problems.

Should you say it? Welllll.... I mean, are you just trying to fill a conversational vacuum here? I tend to think that comparing people's experiences is a bad idea. On the other hand, it's not offensive or anything. And it's hard not to say. :)

I know this has been a long one. A couple of last thoughts for you:

• I personally do not care when anyone says any of these things to me. You can ask me whatever you want and I will be fine with it. But I have a big mouth. Not everyone feels that way, I'm sure :)
• There are people who get a lot of negative comments. I am so blessed to have great people in my life - I've never gotten a negative comment. Never. The closest I've gotten was "that's scary" or "are you nervous?" That's why there are no negative comments on my list. But if there were beside Should you say it? I would put NO. Because how is that helpful or encouraging, especially to someone who's already done it?

Ok I'm off to enjoy the rest of my snow day - my 2nd in a row, with a 3rd coming up tomorrow! Have fun y'all!

Ready for a break

February has been a crazy busy month for me. The last week has arrived with blessedly little to do on the calendar, and I'm really looking forward to a low key week/weekend. I like being busy and have enjoyed most of the business of the past month or so. And I won't be upset if things come up this week. But still. Some down time is always nice.

I keep thinking that I need to be posting - I really want to have a record of my whole WLS journey. I just don't think that I really have anything to say. Things are just moving along.... I'm currently down about 130 pounds. I did buy a pair of size 12 jeans at Wal Mart the other day. They are probably the only pair of size 12s in the world that fit me, but still...there's one. I'm torn between being excited about this and desperate to hit a single digit size. Crazy, I know. I don't know which is more amazing - the fact that I ran 5 miles today or the fact that I no longer find that blogworthy.

Bad eating habits are starting to creep back in - grazing, "needing" something sweet because I'm so grumpy, etc. Not as bad as they were before, but they are things that I need to address NOW. It's hard for me because even with that, the weight is still coming off. It's hard to remember that won't always be the case. So that's my current struggle.

I promise I'll work on thinking of something interesting to say before I post again....

Happy Valentine's Day!

A few of my kids brought me Valentine's treats today, which was sweet. This one made me smile all day:


I've never really been pro or anti Valentine's. Sad, usually, that I'm alone, but altogether rather ambivalent on the topic. While we're on the subject, I should tell you that after 30 years of no one ever wanting to date me - and me not being willing to even if they had wanted to b/c I was so embarrassed by my weight - I am completely clueless when it comes to anything to do with dating. Anything at all. It's sad. I'm basically a 31 year old middle school girl.

Not that anyone is asking me out. I'm just saying. ;)

6 month "nut" follow up

I'm supposed to meet with Pam, my nutritionist - or nut as refer to them in WLS-land - at the same intervals I follow up with Dr. Elliot. That is 1, 3, 6, 9, and 12 months or something like that. So my 6 month appointment came at 7 months and a week...that's close right? And isn't there something about close counting when it comes to horshoes and hand grenades? Julie?

Anyway. The point is - I met with Pam. One thing I wanted to talk to her about was how to eat while I'm in training. (Let me point out here that I LOVE to say that I'm "in training" and bring up being in training and/or running as frequently as possible. Much more often than I actually "train".) I've read a lot about eating just before and after runs and wasn't sure how that applied to me as a post-op. Well, as it turns out, she gave me pretty much exactly the same advice as I had heard other places: carbs before, carbs and protein afterwards. We talked about some good choices for me to make at those times. I also admitted to her (as I am here, to you, now) that I have gotten into a bad habit of grazing and I'm worried about that. Pam whipped out her little calculator and figured out that I'm burning about 2,000 extra calories a week with my running. (Can I just stop here and say WOW?!?!) So she said, "You're probably hungry" Hmmmm.... who would've thought???

So that was mostly what we talked about. She was pleased overall with my progress.

Have I mentioned that I broke my scale? Yes, 125 pounds ago I stood on that thing no problem. NOW it decides to crack on me??? So I don't actually know if I've lost any more weight. I feel like I have, though, because my clothes are getting looser. Getting a new scale is on my list...

It's definitely off to bed for me tonight!

A Beautiful Day!

So today we finally had some nice warm, sunny weather - the first time in a long, long time! It was so exciting! So I went to church, then went out to lunch with some friends from church. They were playing ultimate frisbee this afternoon so I went home, threw on an old t-shirt from the play I did in high school (Go Go Go Joseph!), and headed out to join them. I didn't actually play frisbee - I am no good at that and people who take these things seriously would get irritated if I tried to play - but I did play a little bit of basketball, which is awesome. I need to do that more. Then I headed over to the Masinick's to catch the end of their barbeque and play some ladderball. (Awesome game)

While this may sound like an awesome, fun day to anyone, to me it was nothing short of a miracle. Let me tell you all of the things from this day that would have never happened last year - note the phrase "some friends from church". I made friends, which is not something I did well when I was super fat. Note that I went to be involved in some outdoor physical activitiy - not something I could have done fat. Note that I threw on an old t-shirt from high school. It's actually looser now than it was then. Why I kept it all these years, I don't know. My life now is made up of miracles everyday and I'm so, so grateful.

I'm rarely sappy, but today I was just feeling this so much. I even called my mom and told her thank you. Not only did she pay for my surgery, but she encouraged me every step of the way. I have a long, uphill battle still to go but I'm celebrating how far I've come for now.

A dream come true!

I've talked before about how much I love really old movie outfits. Well, this weekend I went to a movie character themed birthday party, and I rented a dress and went as Guinevere. (You know? From Camelot? She was a bit of a tramp but the greatest, most idyllic kingdom ever was destroyed because of her?) It was sooooo exciting for me. I love being Guinevere. I want to be her every day. Here are some pics:

The outfit

The hairdo

Not only did I love being Guinevere, but it's amazing to me to be able to wear a costume at all. When I was fat, I could never have found an awesome outfit like this. In fact, I probably wouldn't have been willing to even go to this party. It's so strange how so, so much about my life is different now.

In running news, I've decided to scale back my training a bit. I was using the Y training schedule, but I was combining the novice and intermediate training schedules a bit. So I'm going to stick from now on just to the novice schedule. Although I can do the longer runs from the intermediate schedule, I think I'm running more often now then I was before which is making it more difficult. So I'm going to try and be ok with taking it slowly and setting more realistic expectations for myself, which can be frustrating to me.

Overestimating my running abilities

So this morning was a 3 mile group run with the training program. Let me first mention that two days ago I ran five miles - FIVE MILES - around my apt. complex. I was so excited and proud :)

This morning's 3 mile run nearly killed me. I mean, it was bad. I was slow, I felt yucky, I didn't think I was going to make it. I don't know if it's because it was so cold or I was running in the morning instead of afternoon like I usually do, or if I just felt worse about it b/c I could see how many people were running faster than me. But it made me, truly for the first time, doubt my ability to do this race. I know that I have 2 months to go. And, truly, I should be absolutely thrilled to be able to do anything close to what I'm doing considering where I was a year ago. But you know my family motto - "Good enough is never good enough".

*Ugh* LIFE. Why does it have to be so complicated?!?!

Is this day over yet?

So yesterday I ran 4.5 miles around my complex. No problem. Kept at about a 12:00 mile, which is my estimated pace for the race. I ran on the treadmill tonight - just for 30 minutes, but I increased my speed slowly to faster than I've done before. (That's what was on the training schedule for today) No problem. (And when I say no problem, please translate that as "I didn't die") Then I got off the treadmill and started walking across the gym - I was headed upstairs to do some weights. Suddenly EXCRUCIATING pain hits my knee. Out of the blue. I didn't cry (inside the gym), but it was tough. I couldn't bend my knee and I could barely, barely walk. I slowly, slowly, slowly hobbled out through the sleet to my car. By the time I got home, the pain had lessened, but not gone away. Although my knee has been giving me some problems, this kind of pain has only happened once before. I've bought a brace and I'm wearing it now. I think I'm going to have to go see someone about this knee issue, but I have no idea who to go see about it. I think I'll ask a trainer either at the gym or at my training run on Sat.

Being 31 - ahhhh!

I am not and will not do a sappy reflection on how different my 31st birthday was from my 30th. Because that's just not how I roll. But I will say this - I know I'm different than I was last year, and I got more love and attention for my birthday yesterday than I would have thought possible. I'm clearly in a different place with the people around me, especially at work. To be completely honest with you, it was a bit overwhelming. I'm not terribly shy but I think I'm glad birthdays only come once a year :)

I also decided that since it was my birthday I could eat whatever I wanted all day long. And I did. MISTAKE, Sarah. I'm not going to go into what I ate - because I'm embarassed, and because that's not what I do, and a lot because I don't want to be reprimanded - but I ate basically throughout the day. I didn't get sick or dump or anything, but I did feel generally yucky. And it didn't really help me enjoy my birthday. NOTE TO SELF: Find other ways to celebrate your birthday. :)

So this morning was my first run in the YMCA 10k training program. (They ran last week, but I was in Charleston. Luckily for me, too, because apparently it was 7 degrees last week. SEVEN. This week it was 52. Much more acceptable) We did 2.5 miles today and I did fine, although my knee was bothering me some at the end. I stayed somewhere in the middle of the huge group (there were like 200 people there!). I definitely got passed a lot, but I passed some people, too - mostly walkers. :) They put us into groups based on our projected finish time. I signed up for a wave that finishes in about 70-75 minutes - about a 12:00 mile. That was the fastest group at the training this morning, which is scary. (I'm signed up for the novice runner group - there are some run/walkers - there's also a walkers group and an intermediate group) I hope I'm not in over my head here. I definitely felt like the fat girl that everyone was looking at going, "Seriously? What is she thinking?" It may not be true, but that doesn't stop me from feeling that way!

I also picked up my schedule for the next 9 weeks and surprisingly enough, the most it ever has us running in training is 6 miles, which it only has us do once two weeks before the race. Then it backs the mileage down until the day of the race, which is 6.2 miles. Does this strike anyone else as odd?