What 100 pounds feels like - Sarah style

**Author's Note ;) - I've been working on composing this post for a while now. I went back tonight to edit it down to a manageable, readable length. But then I decided not to. Because I want to be able to go back and re-read it and remember how I felt. So, it's awfully wordy - 10 words where 1 will do kind of thing. But that's just me! So feel free to skim/skip at your leisure, as always**

Well, I posted my before and post-100 pound pictures. So I thought I would also post about what losing 100 pounds feels like. I’m always a little leery about posting things like this – things that make it sound like I’ve met my goal. It’s easy to forget that I still have 50 pounds to go. But I want to remember how I felt along the way. And try to enjoy how far I’ve come, because I get very frustrated very easily. So, because I can, here is...

How it feels to lose a 5th grader...
- HARD WORK. It’s cliche, especially in the WLS world, but in no way was this surgery “easy way out”. I don’t know if that’s still the perception among people who don’t know much about it or not.
- There are about 13,782 rules governing all my meals - what to eat, when to eat, how to eat, how much to eat. I can’t ever just not think about it. There is no cheating when I’m frustrated. I can get sick at any time – sometimes I know what caused it, sometimes I don’t. I miss food, and I miss it being easy. Imagine being on an extremely restrictive diet and knowing that you have to do it every meal, every day for the rest of your life.
- I have to exercise. Have to, have to, have to. And it’s a lot of work. I try really hard to push myself. Both to burn those extra calories and to build the muscle that will burn more calories at rest and help me avoid the excess skin.
- I have to be vigilant about vitamins and supplements. At least 5 pills a day, each one 2 hours apart from all of the others.
- Although, just to confuse you (and me) a little bit, and to bring out my multiple personalities it’s also...

- NOT AS BAD AS IT SEEMS. Yes, it’s a lot of work. But people see me eating such a little bit, or not being able to eat things, and are always talking about how bad they feel for me. And really, once I get past the head hunger thing, I don’t really miss it. My little tiny bit of food really is enough for me. I eat it slowly – it often takes me longer than it takes other people to eat their regular size meals – and it feels like a real meal to me. Someone asked me today about cravings and I’ve found that they’re getting less and less. Because when I crave something and eat it, a lot of times it doesn’t taste very good. After a few times of that, it gets easier not to eat it. I know it sounds like I’m contradicting myself. It’s hard to explain. Roll with me here :)

- RUNNING. I talk about this a lot, so I won’t expand on it too much here. But the difference in what I’m able to do when I exercise is amazing. I can run! I can do an entire aerobics class (remember way back when Zumba kicked my butt?). In fact, the other day I did a Zumba class followed by a Body Pump class. And smaller things – I don’t get winded walking up stairs. You can’t imagine how much time I spent when I was bigger trying to hide the fact that I couldn’t breathe after walking just a few stairs.

- SITTING. I’m not as scared to sit in chairs anymore. I had a constant nagging fear of breaking chairs before. Also of spilling over into people’s chairs next to me at church. (Ok, this is still somewhat of a fear) I’m sitting here right now on my sofa cross legged. Earlier I had my knees up in front of me. I can cross my legs. It’s not super easy, but I do it pretty much every time I sit down. As early as this summer, when I was only like 50 pounds down, I rode on an airplane and didn’t need a seatbelt extender. I feel now like I’m almost to the point where I won’t be embarrassed for people who have to sit next to me on planes or buses.

- BAGGY CLOTHES. I have to tell you – I’m getting a little tired of wearing clothes that are too big. Which is strange, because I’ve always worn my clothes fairly big. I can buy clothes that are too small because I know I’ll fit into them soon. It’s amazing how quickly my clothes get to be too big, while at the same time I feel like I haven’t lost enough sizes. (I know, another crazy contradiction from the crazy head of Sarah) Which leads me to...

- FRUSTRATING. It’s hard for me to know what kind of realistic goals to set. Good enough is never good enough for me. I never feel like I’m losing quickly enough, or I’m doing well enough. I get frustrated about the clothes thing frequently – they’re too big, they’re too small, I don’t have enough.... (see the “hard work” point for other frustrations)

- ON DISPLAY. It feels like people are watching me constantly. They’re not obviously – or if they are it’s out of curiosity, not judgement. I can’t blame them because I do the same thing. But still, whether it’s what I’m eating or how I look, I often feel like a sideshow act :) Of course, I bring a lot of that on myself – I talk about my surgery a lot, and I blog my every action and thought. And I don’t mind answering questions or sharing my experiences at all.

- CONFIDENTER. So confident, in fact, that I dare to use the word confidenter instead of more confident.

- COLD. I’m cold. All the time. Very, very cold. Yes, part of it is losing my 100-pound coat. But part of it is my body adjusting to all the changes.

I’m sure there’s other stuff, too. But that’s quite enough for now, don’t you think?

Some "wows"

Today I "ran" 4 miles. There were a few very brief periods where I let myself walk a few feet - I've been sick lately so I cut myself a little slack :) - but I realized that I have moved from walking with periods of jogging to jogging with periods of running. It amazes me every time. I know I post and talk about how far I'm "running" often. That's because I can't get over what an amazing change it is. Literally I feel myself itching to go "running" sometimes. Which is strange, because I'm not very good at it :) And I'm nowhere near a real runner. But compared to 6 months ago when I could only run a few steps? Exciting stuff.

I have started my Christmas shopping, and yesterday I went to this children's store to buy some presents for my favorite babies. I haven't signed the back of my credit card (don't get me started) so she asked for ID. I gave her my license and she really didn't believe that my picture was me. I was truly afraid that she wasn't going to take my card. I explained about the weight loss. (I did not explain about the fact that I'd been sick so I looked gross, my hair was straggly, and I was wearing my glasses) I don't think she believed me, but she took it.

What 100 pounds looks like - Sarah style

I can't believe I'm doing this on this very public internet, but here it is. My "before" picture (I could have at least fixed myself up a little don't you think?) and my "I've lost 100 pounds" picture. I've been taking pictures all along (definitely something I would encourage you to do, by the way, if you are considering or have had the surgery) (or are losing weight another way), but always considered them very private. But for some reason I'm feeling brave enough to show them to you tonight. So here they are:


Can you tell which is the before and which is the after? ;) (I'm kidding, of course. Even I can see the difference there). I've been doing these with the self-timer on my camera and they haven't been coming out great. My friend Laura took the most recent one last night, though, and I think I'm going to get her to do them all from now on because I'm pretty sure I look skinnier in that picture than I do in real life :)

I had a fun weekend celebrating my BFF's 30th. Happy Birthday Julie!!!!!

Her dad told me this weekend that I seemed different. I pointed out that I had lost 100 pounds :) He said no, my personality seemed different. He thought that I had become more confident and extroverted without so much extra weight. I don't know if he's right, but I've been thinking about it. I did just post a pretty embarrassing picture here...

The image in my head

So this is how I motivate myself to keep going on this whole weight-loss thing: I imagine that there is a skinny girl inside me. I'm eating right to get her out. But I'm exercising so that when she gets out she's already fit and toned and ready to go. Every time I'm exercising and I'm exhausted I think "Come on, skinny girl. Get stronger now so you can bust out!" I know. Crazy talk.

Something else new and amazing today - I swear I find something exciting every day. I finally went swimming again. I ALWAYS swim over to the ladder to get out because I'm not strong enough to pull myself up out on the side. I've tried once or twice and it's embarrassing. I figured it was a combination of weak arms and a lot of weight to pull up. Well, today I decided to try it while no one was around. I like flew out of the pool! It wasn't even hard! Amazing.

One of my cousins posted her pictures from the reunion and I swear when I see myself I just look like a fat girl. Which makes me think - if I look so much better than I did before, but I still look like a fat girl......wow. Anyway, there's my Debby-Downer moment of the night.

Going a little crazy

I've gone a little crazy about this whole 100-pound thing. I did post it on my Facebook status, which seems a little crazy to me in and of itself :). I'm about to the point where I stop complete strangers on the street to tell them I've lost 100 pounds. Somebody stop me please!

Yesterday I set yet another how-far-I-can-"jog"-without-stopping-to-walk record. 2 miles! I only had about 30 minutes, so I "jogged" the whole time, except for a quick warm up and cool down.

Shhhhh.....

I'm scared to say it out loud, because I'm afraid it's not really true. I'm going to have to whisper it.

I've lost 100 pounds.

I'm excited and at the same time trying to rein it in because I still have a long ways to go. Of course, my brain just keeps telling me - "Yeah, well good for you. I can't believe you even let yourself get into a situation where you had 100 pounds to lose and you still have 60 to go. " Although there's another, albeit smaller, piece of my brain that wants to walk up to everyone I see and say "Hi. I'm Sarah. I've lost 100 pounds." Especially if it means we can have a conversation that does not revolve around elections or politics.

My scale is broken.

Yeah, let's go with that.

Now if I could only find an excuse for why my face is breaking out like a teenager the day before prom...

FInding clothes that fit.

*UGH*

Here are some clothing fit issues I'm having - I knew y'all wanted to hear about them:

** You know how there are some people that look like a caricature of a person. Like from the chest up and the thighs down they are of normal size but then they have an enormous stomach and butt? No? You don't know those people? Come visit me, my friend, and you will... I can tell that I've lost some weight in my boobs and face. Mostly the boobs. (I don't know about my legs, b/c I don't have a full length mirror. Because I'm super together and organized), but my stomach and butt are still enormous. It's NOT a good look.

** I don't know what size underwear to buy. In the past, this has been my underwear-buying philosophy: Go to Wal Mart. Find the multi-pack bags of underwear. Find the cheapest one. Buy the biggest size they have. Now I can still wear my underwear, but it's getting kind of baggy and I don't have any idea how to figure out what size to buy next.

** I put one some Goodwill jeans today (I have like 4 pairs of those) and they fit me perfectly - except for the left calf. I'm serious. Everywhere is perfect, but the left calf is tight. Only the left one.

** I would like to say hello to..... my neck! I just saw it in the mirror. Who knew I had one under all those chins?

Ouch!

Last night I got on here to write my Last Will and Testament, but decided I was too tired so you guys could just fight over my stuff. Luckily for y’all, I was able to get out of bed this morning after all. I took Body Pump for the third time last night. I’ve been trying to figure out how much weight I should use – and I think I overdid it a bit. A bit. By the end, every muscle in my body was trembling uncontrollably. But I just kept thinking to myself – “No sagging skin! I will not have saggy skin!” so this better work. Surprisingly enough, I was able to get up this morning relatively pain-free. I’ve been a little sore, but nothing like when I first worked out with Sgt. Bryan and could hardly move!

So here’s a tidbit about me – I’M COLD!!!!! No matter where I am when you’re reading this, I’m probably cold. Ever since the weather started to get colder, I cannot warm up. I’ve read about other people with this surgery and I think it’s not so much the loss of weight as it is my body reacting to all the crazy changes and spewing hormones everywhere. I hear the first winter is really cold, but it gets better. Here’s to hoping!

Don't say I never gave you anything...

That's me inside the Clifford suit. Totally exciting, huh?

Fall Cleaning!

I spent yesterday cleaning out my closet. Here are all my "fat clothes" that are too big for me and have to be gotten rid of:

(and that's my fat cat Christine. She's wondering what she's going to wear when all the fat clothes are gone. Don't worry yet, cat. There are still many fat clothes to come) (Don't let her innocent look fool you) (Does anyone want to adopt her? And her brother? They're great cats. Really.)

Also, here's a picture of me in my favorite outfit from last winter, when I was so big I was just trying to hide in my clothes:

I know, my hair - and the expression on my face - is super attractive here but look past that, ok? Looking at the picture the clothes don't look that big, but trust me. They're really too big. I tried to take one of those holding-out-the-fat-pants-to-show-how-much-bigger-you-used-to-be pictures, and I can hold them out a lot - they really don't stay up by themselves - but I'm still too fat to post it on the internet. Someday!

Clifford!

In the WLS community, people often refer to "wow moments" - when you realize how your weight loss has affected your life. I tend to think it's cheesy, naturally b/c I'm cynical like that, but I had one yesterday.

For our Book Fair/Community Day pep rally, our librarian asked me to wear the Clifford costume. For most of you out there who have always fit into the one-size-fits-all-category, this probably doesn't even seem like a big deal. But I've always had this secret fear of someone not realizing that I was fat (um, how does that happen exactly?), asking me to do it, and me not being able to fit in it. Because I wouldn't. So when she asked me I was shocked that she considered me normal-enough sized to be able to do it. That was exciting moment #1. #2 came when it actually fit. And #3 came when the kids couldn't guess who I was - I guess all the fat didn't show through as much as I thought it would. I had a great time being Clifford, by the way :)

Running in the heat!

This afternoon I went for a "run", not realizing that it is HOT AS ANYTHING out there. I mean, really hot. I got so hot I got chills. I literally had goosebumps all up and down my arms. But I did 4 miles. Which is 5 laps around my trail. The first 4 laps I did more "running" than walking - a good bit more, actually - but the last lap I just walked. I considered it my cool down lap. It took me about 50-55 minutes. Something miraculous has happened since I've started working out more - the trail has gotten shorter. I'm pretty sure it has. It used to be all I could do to do 2 laps - and it took me my full 40 minute workout. So the trail must be getting shorter!

Ok, I'm taking a survey here. This is something that I've been thinking about a lot lately. I know, it's whacked out and strange but these are the things that go through my head. And this is my blog, where I write things that go through my head. I'm down about 90 pounds right now (since March when I started boot camp), which means naturally I'm thinking about hitting that 100-pound loss mark. My goal is to hit it before my family reunion Nov. 7. Of course, I've been stuck at the same weight for almost a week now, so I may never get there and this may be a moo point. (you know - a moo point. It's like a cow's opinion. It doesn't matter.) (Thanks, Joey!) Back to my question - when I hit 100 pounds lost, do I post that information in my Facebook status? Because it's exciting. But do I want to admit that I had 100 pounds to lose - and I'm still fat? Of course, people knew because - well, they could see me. Still. I know, this is one of

Some thoughts from the head of me!

I met with my nut, Pam, again today. She was pleased with how I've been doing and even said that she thought she was too hard on me last time. (She wasn't, by the way - I needed to hear it. I honestly had thought I was doing ok but I wasn't) She gave me a lot of new helpful suggestions. *note here - none of these suggestions were for foods that I hate followed by "just try it". This was my old nut's way. This is why I no longer see her* She's very sweet and non-judgemental, which makes it easier for me to be as honest with her as I can, which makes it easier for her to help me. So it's good all around. I told her today that I worried that I never hear from anyone else who is not completely in love with their WLS. I tend to be pretty honest about admitting my doubts and frustrations about my surgery. And she told me that there are other people who feel that way, they just don't go to support groups and follow up appointments like I do. So that made me feel good. I'm going to keep fighting for this!

I'm still so tired it's almost dangerous for me to drive, but I went to bed earlier last night and I'm headed that way tonight as well. I need to give this "getting enough sleep" thing a legitimate shot. ;)

A Busy Weekend

I've been doing much better these past 2 weeks with my food choices and I hope when I go back to see Pam (my nutritionist) tomorrow that she'll be pleased. I know the weight has been coming off faster, although the last few days it's slowed down again some. I'm working on being ok with that :)

My big complaint at the moment is that I'm SOOOO tired. All the time. I just can't seem to shake it. I feel asleep at my desk on Wednesday and I feel like I crash every chance I get. I don't know if I'm a little sick, if I'm not getting enough sleep, or if I'm missing some vitamin or something that I need. I don't want to jump to conclusions or be paranoid about it, but I'm tempted to call Dr. Elliot and ask him to go ahead and do my bloodwork just to check. He said he would do it at 6 months, which would be January. Maybe this week I'll just focus on getting to bed early and see if that helps.

Shopping!

So a good friend is getting married this weekend (and let me add how THRILLED I am for her!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I decided that this was my chance to actually get some new clothes. As I'm losing the weight, I'm trying not to shop too much because (theoretically, at least) I'm losing so quickly that I can't wear the clothes for very long. I need new clothes, of course, so I've been shopping places like Goodwill, Wal-Mart, and my sister's closet.

So my BFF and I hit the mall on Wed. in search of the perfect cute new dress. She, naturally, found 3. She's pregnant and it was so much fun shopping for cute little maternity dresses with her! I can't wait to meet the baby, of course (due on my birthday, as all cool kids are) but for now it's fun watching her be pregnant. Anyway. I didn't have much luck. For one thing, it's hard to know what size to get. Obviously, I just have to keep trying things on and different dresses the sizes run differently but still it's confusing. It's a totally new experience for me, though, to be able to say "This is too big. I need a smaller one." I've always worn whatever the biggest size was. Seriously. One time I was in a friend's wedding and just told her to order the biggest size bridesmaid's dress they had. I think this freaked her out, but I was right. It fit.

Ok, too many tangents tonight.

I'm going to cut this story short and tell you that, after much work and heartache, I have found a new dress! This is more exciting to me than it probably is to the average person. For one thing, it was super on sale at Dillard's and I got it for $16! (The only other one that I had found was $90 and I just couldn't go there) Another thing....it's a size 16. Seriously. Let me put this in perspective for you - before surgery, I was a tight 24. When I bought the dress today, the pants I was wearing were a 22. I'll admit they're a little big. But I was thinking I was just barely into a 20. Now, let's be fair. I won't fit into a 16 in pretty much anything else. This dress just happened to run big or something. Still it's exciting to me. (Normally I do not discuss my clothing size. Ever. But I got over it because it's an exciting part of documenting this process for me.) Here's a fuzzy-because-I-used-the-self-timer-and-I'm-having-issues-with-that picture of the dress:

Great Beach Retreat

(This was part of a longer post about my weekend at a beach retreat with my Sunday School class)

I haven't posted about my meeting with Pam, the nutritionist, last Tuesday. But we're talking about changing a lot of things about the way I eat and I've been working pretty hard at it. I did pretty well this weekend. I took some things to eat/drink, but tried not to make a big deal out of it. I told some people about the surgery when it came up, but not everyone. I really don't mind talking about it, but I don't want people to feel like they have to listen to me go on about it, know what I mean? Sat. afternoon I did get sick and that was pretty miserable - especially since all of the bathrooms were occupied by people showering after an afternoon at the beach.

3 month follow-up

I also went for my 3 month follow-up appointment today. I had lost 17 pounds since my last appointment a month ago, bringing my total lost to 81 pounds. I, as usual, was frustrated with that but my dr. was pleased. He said that starting month 3 (which this past one was for me), bypass patients should lose 15-20 pounds a month. This is not fast enough to satisfy me! Of course, I think I'm starting to feel about losing weight the way that one of the Rockefellers did about money. Someone asked him once how much money was enough and he answered (quite cleverly, I thought), "Just a little bit more" So I need to watch that I don't drive myself crazy over this. I have a family reunion at the beginning of November though, and I really want to have lost 100 pounds by then. It's 6 weeks away so that's a fairly realistic goal, but I'm definitely going to have to work on it. Although to be honest with you, most of my family there probably won't even notice I've lost weight. A lot of them are 2nd cousins and such and at the last family reunion I was actually at my lowest weight with Weight Watchers, and I should be right around that weight again. Which means, yes, in the last 5 years I have gained and lost 100 pounds. How scary is that? (well, not quite yet but you see what I'm getting at)

So I took my food journal in to show my dr., even though I really didn't want to. I know that I haven't been making the best food choices and I'm frustrated with myself about it. I exercise, I get in my water, I take my supplements, I eat appropriate portions - I'm just not choosing the best foods. Which was my problem pre-op, too. He acknowledged that but was much nicer than I thought I had a right to expect. He focused a lot on the weight that I've lost and the things that are going well and said, "Well, you can't argue with the weight loss" Not that he let me slide on it - he talked about what I should be doing and tomorrow I see the nut and have to really face the music there. She's very nice, too. I don't know why it is that I have so much trouble with this. It seems so easy when we talk about it, but then I drag myself through another day and it's all I can do to get off the couch and eat anything at all. I know all the good things to do - cook ahead, plan meals, only keep healthy things in the house, even just forcing myself to cook something and it's never as big a deal as I make it out to be. I guess I'm just a crazy whack job. But I have come a long way. The choices I'm making now, while not great, are way better than what I was making last year at this time. So I just have to keep working at it. Like Dr. E. said today, I need to develop good habits now b/c in 5 years the surgery won't be helping me so much and it will be up to me to keep the weight off. I know I talk about this a lot - and at length.

Tonight I went and took a Zumba class at the gym! I did this once way back in the spring when I had to wear my heart monitor. I remember that I had such a hard time getting my heart rate down where it was supposed to be - the class kicked my butt. Tonight I definitely worked, but I didn't die! If you're not familiar with Zumba, then clearly you've been living under a rock. The Zumba craze kind of reminds me of the Tae-Bo craze 10 years ago. (I bought into that one, too - I had the tapes! Go Billy Blanks!) It's like a dance class with salsa, belly dancing, Latin moves, stuff like that. It's really loud and high energy and fun - and a lot of work. My class tonight had probably 50-75 people crammed into it. That's a lot of people to hide behind, and trust me - there will be someone there less coordinated than you. There was a man in his 50s in our class tonight! But you can't really be shy and do Zumba - and it would probably be better if you had some dance experience. Or some rhythm. So, if you were not me. But as much as I stress about it, no one is there to watch me. I know you find that hard to believe, but I've come to learn it's true. I'll probably go back. Anybody want to Zumba with me? (If you get the chance to take a class with Angela at American Family West End, I highly recommend her)

Losing Hair

My hair is starting to fall out. I was expecting it and terrified of it. But, come to find out - it's not such a big deal. Really. I always heard about it as a side effect of WLS, but people never really seemed too upset about it and I couldn't figure it out. Because it seemed like a big deal to me. But, it's not like I'm going bald or anything. It will just thin out a little bit. Right now, it's not coming out in huge clumps but that may change. Then again, it may not. With all of the changes that I have to put up with as a post-op, this one is actually pretty easy to live with.

Tired and Whiny

A kid at school asked me if I was pregnant today. Awesome.

I'm having a really hard time getting my head around this whole new-way-of-eating thing. Which is frustrating to me b/c I spent a lot of time getting ready for it and knew what I was getting into. Fully. But I get so irritated that I have to think so much about what I have to eat, and I never feel like eating when I should, or then I get really hungry but I don't feel like fixing anything so I just mope around and get grumpier. Then I get frustrated and start chastising myself, which makes me defensive (with myself, naturally, because this is a normal thing) and even more irritable and want to do/eat something I'm not supposed to just to prove that "I can". To myself. (picture Napoleon Dynamite saying "idiot!" here)

To top it off, I'm just not feeling good. Not sick - nothing that I should actually complain about. Just tired, with frequent feelings of nausea and light-headedness. Plus the whole grumpier-than-Oscar-the-Grouch thing. Maybe I'm PMSing. That would actually be great, because then I would have a reason and know it will be over soon.

To be fair, I had a lot of these same feelings about eating before surgery. But then I would just order a pizza or go to McDonalds to resolve it, and those are not viable options now. Which is good, because that's why I ended up in this position in the first place. But I need to find another way to resolve it. And it has to be one that makes me happy when I'm this irritable, and that's no easy task. As anyone who knows me well knows, once I get into a grumpy-funk pretty much everything just makes it worse. A lot of times, honestly, I just have to take a nap and sleep it off.

Be glad you can't see me right now...

I'm really sweaty and gross. Really gross. I took a picture to show you, then vetoed it as un-bloggable.

I always think that's a great way to start off a post, don't you? More people should do that. Maybe I should lead a blog school.

Anyway, I just got back from using the trail around my apt. complex. And I'm proud to say that I did a jog/walk combo for most of it. I'm not going to say I jogged half of it, but I did do a significant portion which is fairly amazing for me. I literally used to run like 3 steps and feel like I was going to die. If you have never been really fat, you may think that is an exaggeration, but it isn't. I did about 3 miles in 40 minutes, which for those of you keeping track (i.e., me) is an average of about 4.5 miles an hour. When I started out, I was doing about 3 mph. So that's exciting. And encouraging for me because I'm going through a "I can't see the weight loss" phase right now that's pretty discouraging. But I am definitely seeing an improvement in my exercising, which is good motivation for me to keep doing it.

I've been hungry today, which is strange. It's hard for me to know if it's real hunger or just a habit of being hungry in the afternoon after school. Sometimes I don't feel like I eat enough - it almost seems like the weight comes off better when I eat a little more. But most of the time I feel like I eat as much as an average person does. I probably don't, but it seems like it. There was a girl at my school last year who had this surgery (she's not there anymore), and everyone keeps explaining to me how little she ate. Which makes me feel like they think I'm eating more than that and I shouldn't be. Whatever. I'm working on keeping a food journal to take to the doc and the nut this month, so we'll see what they have to say.

Little updates :)

It just occurred to me the other day - when I read other WLS patient's blogs, I always want to know how much weight they're losing. Yet I never post mine. I don't know why. Maybe b/c I already know so I'm not curious :) Anyway, it's not a secret so I thought I'd share. To date, since I started pre-op "boot camp" back in March, I've lost about 75 pounds. It hasn't come off evenly, though. The stats:

• Pre-op (3 1/2 months): 27 pounds
• 1st 2 weeks after surgery: 20 pounds
  
• Next 6 weeks: 17 pounds (yes, this was a very frustrating 6 weeks)
• Last 2 weeks: 11 pounds

I think that comes out close to 75. I'm thinking the goal is to average around 5 lb/week. Everyone has different ideas, though.

This was an exciting WLS-related story: I have these pants that I love. They're from Lands End, just elastic-waist, loose, cotton pants. When I'm at home I practically live in them, and I wear them to sleep in a lot (I have two pairs). I've noticed just in the last week or so that they're really getting too big to wear. This morning they literally fell off of me as I was walking from the bathroom to my bedroom. Just fell off. As excited as I am about the lost weight, I'll be a little sad to lose my favorite pants...

Champion of the Games

I did something new and exciting for me - when I hit the gym, I ran on the treadmill. Ok, it was more like a jog. You know that speed where you can't quite walk that fast but you can't quite run that slow? That's where I was. And I only did it in 1-minute bursts (jog a minute, walk a minute for 5 minutes - then spend 5 minutes walking on an incline and repeat. But even my walking was faster than I usually do) The best part was I didn't even think I was going to die! Rock on.
This is how I picture myself on the treadmill:

This is what I really look like:

Oh, well. Dare to dream, right?

2 month follow-up

Today I'm 8 weeks out from surgery and I had my 2 month follow up with Dr. Elliot. He said that I was doing the right things, but agreed that my weight loss was slower than average for a bypass patient. He said, "Just keep it up and the weight will come off" This is what I have to say to him -
*blech*

Rainy, dreary day today reminds me how much I love sleep!

Back to Real Life

I continue to be frustrated with my weight loss. I'm losing about 2 pounds a week, which is actually pretty good weight loss if I was doing Weight Watchers. However, one of the reasons that I chose this particular surgery is that I'm impatient. And it's a lot harder than WW. So it should be coming off faster. I'm trying not to get too frustrated and be patient, but it's hard. I'm eating real food now, which I love, but it comes with some challenges of its own. While in Charleston, I ate things that I'm allowed to eat, but I didn't make the best choices I could possibly make. Does that make sense? I didn't cheat, per se, but I could have done better. Another hard thing was eating slowly when I was with my family. I got food stuck after a lot of meals, which isn't fun. I actually threw up on the street in Charleston, which was totally embarassing. It just came out of nowhere.

That was yesterday, and food hasn't been sitting very well since. It's weird - I get hungry and then as soon as I get to the point where I'm going to eat, I don't want to eat it at all. Tonight I went over to a friend's house and I ate some chicken - just a little bit of chicken breast on the grill. I've been eating chicken for a long time now! But boy did I pay for it tonight. I was back and forth to the bathroom. I threw up 4 times, which is unheard of for me. I couldn't imagine that there was anything left in there to throw up! I had my papaya pills, and they helped some but it finally just took time. I have no idea why it happened - the only thing I can figure is that the chicken was too dry. (Not an insult to the cook, by the way!) They were cooking with barbeque sauce, and made mine without it b/c of the sugar in bbq. He seasoned it - it tasted good! - but maybe I need to make sure there's something giving it more moisture. Who knows.

Here's a little warning, which is going to contain TMI, so feel free to skip:
After surgery, pay attention to your poop. If you haven't gone for a few days, you're going to want to take some fiber or something. Don't just not pay attention and ignore it. Because eventually, it's going to want to come out. And it's going to hurt.

The Olympics Begin!

So, obviously, clearly, no duh! - I'm not an athlete. Nowhere close. I don't pretend to be, nor do I play one on TV, film, or radio. The fact that I'm still painfully hobbling around two days after I first went back to weights at the gym is clear evidence of this.

Still.

Michael Phelps swims four times faster than me. Four times. So picture this. Mike and me hit the pool. We dive in. By the time I get to the other side, he's already done two whole laps - up and back, up and back. And he's not even breathing hard. Wow.


Last beginning-of-the-Olympic games thought: I love gymnastics. I always wanted to be a gymnast. I loved doing gymnastics and dance when I was little. I think I quit because I got fat. Also, I was lazy. I know when I lose some of this weight, I'm going to take dance classes again. Do you think they offer gymnastics classes for grown-ups?
You can picture me doing this, right? ;)

A Good Day :)

So today - a whole day of feeling normal! Woo-hoo! I ate normal people food and didn't feel nauseous all the time. I'm excited about it, and hoping that it continues. Of course, I got carried away and ate too much at dinner - a whole 1/2 cup! - and that was a mistake. So I'm learning as I go. Tonight's lesson - measure your food. Eat slowly. And STOP. But that's what these first few months are about.

Attitude adjustment needed

Ok, I just want you all to know that I KNOW I'm being whiny and pitiful over this whole thing.... I've been reading other WLS patient's blogs (I never know if it's ok to link to them or not? What is the proper etiquette there? If someone has posted their link publicly, is it ok for me to link to it? Or should I check with each individual person? Who knows) and they all seem to have so much more of a "This is hard, but it was a good decision and I'm glad I did it" attitude.

So my goal is to work on that. Know that, despite how unhappy I may feel at any given moment, deep down I know that I prayed about this for something like a year before deciding to have the surgery, and then worked for 6 months pre-op to get ready. So I know it was the right decision for me. But I don't handle pain or discomfort well. And I think my hormones may be raging out of control at the moment and making me crazy.

I came back from Lynchburg tonight after 5 days to find that my rent hasn't been paid (I gave them an automated debit form - this happened last August as well. Frustrating) and that the tickets I bought to go to Charleston next week were both for the same day. Surprisingly, I didn't actually want to fly down to Charleston and leave 30 min. later. So I have now doubled the cost of my tickets in change fees. So you can see why I feel cray.

John 16:33
"In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."

Hello from Lynchburg!`

So I've had a few intervals of feeling better this weekend, but for the most part the nausea/pain continues to stay with me. Sometimes it's bad, others not so much. Yesterday while my dad and I were at the mall, it hit me badly and suddenly so I made him leave. It had been about 4 hourse since lunch, so I can't imagine that it was something I ate.... I've been off the Actigall for almost a week now. I'll call my dr. either today or tomorrow and report back in on how that hasn't helped and see what they say. I'm also allowed to start eating real food today! Hooray!!!!!!!!

Emotionally, I'm a bit of a mess as well. Yesterday I went to church with my parents and they were having communion. At their church, the bread is actually homeade white bread cut up into small cubes (less than 1"). They use grape juice. Neither of these are things I'm supposed to have - however, I figured the grape juice in such a small quantity wouldn't have enough sugar to hurt me and that would be ok. The bread, however, I wasn't so sure about. Bread - especially soft, white bread - can get gummed up and stuck in the opening leading out of my pouch. So I figured I was going to have to pass on that, at least for now. My mom assured me that God would understand :) And I knew he would, but it sent me over the edge anyway. I had a moment of "As if I didn't feel different enough being fat and single at 30, and not being able to get the weight off without surgery, then I can't eat what everyone else can and now I can't I even do communion!" I left church, went to the bathroom and cried and cried and cried. Eventually my mom came to check on me, which made me cry some more. So I left and went home.

If you're not, or never have been fat, there's a lot of things about it that you've probably never thought of or wouldn't understand. One of the things that struck me this weekend is how I hate going places in Lynchburg, like their church - where I grew up- with my parents. Because they always introduce me to people and I feel like they must be embarassed to say "This is my daughter." I'm fat, single, and haven't done anything really exciting - I'm not a doctor or a missionary. I'm not really very interesting at all. (So why are you reading this? ;) ) Of course, my parents absolutely deny feeling this way - and they may not. But it's still how I feel every time I get introduced. It's the same way I feel running into people I knew from growing up. "Well, here I am. I haven't really done such a good job of growing up, huh?"

I know, it seems like I'm just having a pity party for myself and doing some whining here - and let's be honest, I am. But I'm just trying to "let people in" to the mind of an overweight person. It's amazing how it affects anything and everything that you do. I'll share some more fat secrets with you another day :) - like how I come up with excuses to avoid trips to amusement parks because I won't fit on any of the fun rides.

As usual, I've gone on too long here. Happy first full week of August everyone!

***Warning - May contain TMI***

I'm going to post briefly b/c I am not feeling well at all - however, if people are considering this surgery they need to know everything that goes with it.

I'm still feeling nauseous all the time, and eating and/or drinking seem to make it worse. It's making me exhausted and very, very cranky. I'm wishing that I had never done this in the first place. As my sister pointed out, if this were Weight Watchers and I felt this way I could just cheat. But I can't. I'll get sick. And I know that's why I chose this surgery still....

So if you've looked into WLS surgery at all you've probably heard of a phenomenon called "dumping",which by the way is a name that I hate. I "dumped" yesterday for the first time. I had gone out to a Mexican restaurant with some friends, and I ordered a quesadilla with chicken. I ate just a little bit of the shredded chicken and cheese, which I figured would be fine since basically all I've eaten the past 2 weeks are eggs, chicken, and cheese. But I guess the restaurant cheese had a lot more fat than the cheese I use at home b/c a little while later I was in my friend's bathroom. I felt like elephants were stomping on my stomach, I was sweating like crazy, I was shaking, and I didn't know which end to point at the toilet ;) I stayed that way for about 20 minutes. It was awful, and left me feeling worn out and weak.

I'm just so freakin' tired of feeling bad and not being able to eat things. When you feel nauseous, what do you do? Well, you can drink some ginger ale. No can do - no carbonation allowed. You can eat some crackers - no can do. No bread or crackers allowed. You don't keep eating and drinking stuff - no can do. Have to get a minimum in. So I could go on and on ranting about how sick and angry and frustrated I feel, but I won't.

This is why - first of all, who wants to read that? Second of all - and it pains me at this moment to write this - it will pass. I know it will. I know that lots and lots of people feel this way at this point after surgery (especially the what have I done? thing. I don't know about the nausea.) Ok, off to feel sorry for myself some more.... :)


P.S. - Added later - I wanted to add that I have yet to actually throw up since the surgery. I've wanted to - plenty of times. But I haven't. I very rarely do, as a rule. But if I had a stricture, a serious concern post-op, I would be actually throwing up everything I ate or drink. So it's good to know that's not the problem. And, by the way, I'm updating this at 11:30 at night when I should be in bed because I'm too nauseous to lie down quite yet...

1 month checkup

Ok, well it hasn't technically been a whole month...more like 4 weeks tomorrow. But I went back to see Dr. E today, and I met with Pam, the nutritionist as well. Let me remind you that I am smack in the middle of the why-in-the-world-did-I-do-this-crazy-thing-I'll-never-make-it-
when-can-I-eat-real-food-like-a-normal-person doldrums, in addition to constant nausea. Yesterday I got a sudden pain across my abdomen that was killer bad. I waited it out about 20 minutes and finally took some of my pain medicine and slept it off. So when I got to Dr. E's office and was meeting with his awesome nurse, Michaela, and she weighed me and I found out that I have only lost 6 pounds in the last 2 weeks...... let's just say it took all the strength I had to sit in the exam room waiting for Dr. Elliot and not bawl. But Dr. E said that was a total of 27 pounds the first month (53 pounds lost now total), which was average for the RNY (Since when has average ever made me happy?) and that it was just my body adjusting and getting used to the changes. So he didn't seem worried about it. Me? Worried. Stressed. Unhappy. In other dr. appt. related news...

• ****WARNING***** This bullet may contain a little TMI for some of you. You may want to skip to the next one. Dr. E thought that my stomach pain could be from a number of things, but that it wasn't worth worrying about (clearly he wasn't the one doubled over in pain :) ) unless it happens repeatedly. Michaela, the nurse, said that it could be from constipation and suggested that I start taking Benefiber. So I am. See, that wasn't too bad now was it?

• As for the nausea, Dr.E said that wasn't terribly unusual, but that some patients got nauseous from the Actigall that I'm taking. So he said to stop taking it for a week and see if it improves. Although I don't know what he's going to do if it does help, b/c I'm supposed to take this stuff for 6 months. Maybe there's something else he can give me? We'll see.

• Dr. E and Pam were both pleased with what I'm eating - how much protein and liquids I'm getting in, etc. I talked with Pam for a long time about ideas for things that I can do once school starts b/c it's going to be much harder when I have to get up and get out the door, and pack my lunch.

• Next Monday I get to go to solid foods! Wooo-hooo! Pam suggested still staying with softer foods, but a whole world of food choices are going to open up to me :) I don't even know yet what I'll eat. But I can't wait.

• Dr. E didn't look at my incisions, which I thought was strange. But I didn't think of it until after I left.

Dr. Elliot basically told me that the next few weeks were the hardest time and that once I get through those I'm going to feel much better. I'm clinging to that promise!!!

I posted earlier about not getting all of my protein in, and Dawn had a good question. She wondered how I was not getting it in when 2 protein shakes should easily meet my requirement for the day. Here's the answer - and when I go to see the dr. for my 1 month follow-up on Tuesday I'm going to double-check on this - my surgeon wants me to eat 3 meals a day and nothing else. He will (grudgingly :) ) allow one small snack mid-afternoon if I have a long time between lunch and dinner. He counts a protein shake as a meal, not as part of the liquids that I do during the day. So I've been trying to eat actual food rather than protein shakes - mostly because I like it better :), but also because long term that's what I need to be doing and what my doctor prefers. So I'm not doing many protein shakes at this point. I have been doing one for breakfast a lot of days, and that's helping. The past few days I have gotten to my protein and water goals, which is good. I worry some that Dr. E. only asks me to get in 40 g of protein, while Pam (the nutritionist) said 60, so I try and go higher than 40 when I can. I have to keep reminding myself that he's the doctor and I'm not.... a little bit of knowledge can be a bad thing :)

I'm still feeling kind of generally run-down and nauseous. Not in a hugely major way, more in an annoyance kind of way. I'm exhausted, but having a lot of trouble sleeping. Last night (now, don't fuss at me. I know I shouldn't do this and am NOT going to do it again - it was a one time thing) I was so tired that I took some of my pain medicine just to help me sleep. It was awesome. I conked out quickly and was dead to the world for 9 hours. I really needed that! I also have nausea medication that Dr. E prescribed for me when I left the hospital, but I haven't taken any of that yet. I think that makes you sleepy, too, and I just haven't felt like I feel bad enough to take it. I'm going to talk to him about all of this on Tuesday,when I go to see him. I have been trying to notice if I feel worse after I eat certain things, and I haven't noticed anything. Just a general feeling worse in the morning.

I'm also in the "Dear-God-what-have-I-done-this-is-insane" stage where I'm totally freaked out and a little regretting that I had the surgery. However, from what I understand almost everyone experiences this at about this point, so I'm confident that it will pass. Probably when I start noticing significant weight loss. I'm still at the point where I can hardly tell. I'm wearing all the same clothes, although they're a little big. But I still feel like 50 pounds down they should be bigger than they are. Patience, Sarah, patience!

3 week post-op tidbits and observations

• I rarely feel hungry - more like I eat because I'm supposed to, measure it, and eat how much I'm supposed to. On the flip side, I don't really feel full either. I do have "head hunger" quite often where I really want particular foods, though.

• I've found that water doesn't sit in my stomach very well, especially in the morning. By evening I can usually tolerate it. If I add any kind of flavor to it, though, I'm fine. Even sipping throughout the day, it's hard to get in my 64 oz. If I drink too fast, it hurts! It kind of feels like someone is stepping on my chest.

• Interestingly enough, I tolerate protein shakes better in the morning than I do in the evening.
  

• It's hard to get in 40-60 grams of protein when your total food intake for the day is only 3/4 of a cup! (40 is what my surgeon says, 60 is from the nutritionist)
  

• I've been dizzy a lot more since surgery. You know how when you stand up too fast you get dizzy for a minute? That happens to me almost every time I stand up now. Weird.

• My incisions look awesome. The lowest one is the worst, because my clothes rub against it. It's REALLY hard for me not to pick at them!

• For the most part, I feel as good as I did pre-op, energy wise. I still get tired a little bit easier, though. It seems like so long ago - it's hard to remember that I'm still just 3 weeks out!

• I have take Zantac (an antacid, to prevent acid in my stomach while it's still healing - this lasts for 30 days), Actigall (to prevent gallstones since they are often caused by rapid weight loss - this lasts for 6 months), chewable Flinstones Complete vitamins, and Viactiv for calcium each twice a day. The Actigall, vitamin, and viactiv all have to be taken at least 2 hours apart from each other. The Zantac can be taken with the vitamin or the viactiv, but not the Actigall. So basically every 2 hours I have to take some sort of pill. This is much harder than it seems to remember to do. In fact, right now I just realized I've missed one. *sigh* I put all 6 pills in a little baggie at the beginning of the day to help me keep track of what I've taken and what I haven't. I need a better system. Maybe a watch with an alarm?
  

I have to be honest here - this weekend at my parents, I ate things that I probably shouldn't have. I tolerated them pretty well, though. (On a side note, you may notice that I don't really post what I'm actually eating. That's because every surgeon and everyone's experience are so different. Any time I've been around a group of WLS patients - support groups, online, social gatherings - if someone mentions something they like to eat, someone else has a reason why that's not a good idea. This gets me confused and overwhelmed. So I have a strict rule of listening to my surgeon and ONLY my surgeon. I love blogs where WLS patients post recipes for things they're eating, but that's not going to be me.) Anyway, back to my weekend. Tolerating them and being supposed to eat them are two totally different things. I learned that I get frustrated when other people are eating and I can't, and it makes me want to eat things I shouldn't. Sometimes just to say ha-ha. So this is a problem I'm going to work on. Because I'm only 3 weeks out and that's a slippery slope to start on. I am determined that I will NOT be a person who makes a lot of excuses for things. So, I won't. I messed up this weekend, but I'm starting over.

Today, however, I have not felt so good. I can't imagine that it was leftover from this weekend, so I don't know what it is. I've felt nauseous and a little crampy most of the day. Not serious, call-the-doctor-sick, just yucky. In fact, I never ate lunch and I'm having problems getting my water in. That may be the problem. I had my shake at breakfast and that's all I've had today. I may just have another shake for dinner and go back to liquids until this passes. I also went back to the gym today (yay!) and swam laps. I swam a whole mile - it took me about 50 minutes - and that may have been too much. I felt fine while I was doing it, but when I got out I was definitely sore and exhausted. This heat probably has me run down, too.

With all those negatives, here's something that I have been doing well post-op - eating very slowly, taking very tiny bites, and chewing my food nearly to death. When I ate with my family, my little 1/4 cup (using those little white prep bowls I posted a picture of a few days ago) usually took me longer than it took them to eat their whole meal!

Alright now, be cute one and all!

soft foods

So I've been able to "eat" again for 2 days, and I'm already over it :) Ok, to be fair I haven't exactly branched out yet. I've basically had eggs and cheese. Don't get me wrong - I'm glad to have them. And I have a whole list of other things I need to try. It's just inconvenient. It's hard for me to be patient enough with this thing. Dr. E says that my pouch is still swollen and needs mushy foods only to help it heal. And I believe him, I just.....am anxious. To see results, and to be released from all of these food restrictions. (There are some lifetime food restrictions involved, obviously, that I came to terms with long ago. )

I think I'm tired tonight, and that's contributing to my frustration. I spent most of the day playing games with my friend Theresa and her awesome son Cameron, then went to the pool and played games with some other friends. So while it wasn't exactly a stressful day :), it was full.

First post-op doctor visit

So I just got back from my first post-op visit with Dr. E. I was so excited to go back and be freed to do new things that I was literally dancing in the shower at 11:00 last night. It went even better than I hoped! Since my surgery 2 weeks ago, I'm down 20 pounds (which is completely amazing to me), making my total loss 47 lbs. so far. He told me I could go ahead and start on mushy foods - next stop after typing is to scramble an egg! - and that I could do basically anything I want now. Go to the gym - including weights, which I definitely thought would be later, swim, travel. He said my incisions are looking good and since I'm not having any problems I can start trying new things. I'm sooooooooooo excited! Look out world, Sarah's back!

First follow up

Tomorrow I go back for my first follow-up appointment with Dr. Elliot. I can't wait! I'm excited to get weighed, of course (I've purposely avoided doing it - I don't even have a scale at home) But I'm more excited for him to tell me that I can eat FOOD! I went out and bought eggs and canned chicken tonight in preparation for the "mushy food" stage that I'm hoping will begin tomorrow. I'm also hoping that he'll give my clearance to go to Lynchburg this weekend (shouldn't be a problem) and to start exercising and swimming again (not sure how this one will go). I'm just ready to move on to the next stage of this whole process...

It's weird, because I don't really feel hungry most of the time. But I feel good, like I SHOULD be able to eat anything I want, and I can't which is frustrating. So I will be sure and report back. Happy Monday everyone!

Shopping!

Today I went shopping! And not the dreaded clothes shopping - the fun kind. I got things for me to cook/eat with now that I'm a post-op. I hope that I will really use all of these things - I plan on it! - not only because I spent the money on them, but because it will mean I'm doing the things I'm supposed to. After talking to a lot of people, here are some of my purchases:

Well, actually this was the other day. I went to Target and got a crock pot (which I did not take a picture of b/c it's just a normal crock pot. They had one that had a small dish in it, but it was $45 and the normal one was $17. I went for the normal one. No brainer) and this little food processor, which holds about a cup and a half (more than I will probably ever be able to eat at one sitting):

(by the way, I put everything on one of my average-size dinner plates, just so you can compare)
I also bought this little food scale for me to weigh things like meats on to be sure I'm getting the right amount. The cool thing about this is that the top bucket comes off and the bottom part fits right in it for storage. There's even a lid, which I'm sure I will lose in approximately 3.67 days.

Continuing on in the area of "food prep", I bought little pots and pans! They're soooo cute - and they're blue! (They had other colors, but blue obviously rocked the most)

Moving on to the area of "food consumption", I bought a set of these little prep bowls that will be perfect for me - they hold about 2 oz., or half the size of one of my meals. Just right for me to put my veggies in!

And these are the plates I bought - they're just regular salad plates, so I didn't bother putting them on the big plate for comparison. You know how big salad plates are :) But they're pretty so I'm putting them up!

So all of that was great fun. I also have toddler silverware, that I did not take a picture of. Sorry. I think blogs with pictures are more interesting, so my goal is to put more pictures up on here. Even if they are just of household appliances. So my next job is to re-organize my kitchen (which is tiny) so that I can get to all of these little things, and the big things are put away for when I cook for company. Luckily, my mom worked on organizing my kitchen when she was here so I've got a head start. Go, Mom!

Burn Notice

(The title of this post was from some other stuff I wrote about my favorite show - Burn Notice :) )


I'm still just sort of plugging along on this liquids thing, which is making me nutso! I went to the mall with my friend Katie and her son Zack today to get out, which was fun. We were gone for about an hour and I was totally wiped out when we were done. I came home and took an hour-long nap. It's frustrating not to be able to do as much as I did pre-surgery - I'm not exactly known for my patience :)

I had oatmeal again for dinner tonight. I only cooked half at a time, so it was still hot which made it better. But I "scarfed" the whole bowl in half an hour, which was apparently too much. I can really tell if I eat too fast - it hurts, and it seems like I can actually feel the food backing up into my throat (or esophagus or whatever is in there).

Thunderstorms and Oatmeal

We've had periodic thunderstorms the last few days and I'm loving that as well. They're a double blessing these days b/c I enjoy watching them and when it's not bright and sunny I'm not as sad about the fact that I can't go hang out in the pool.

Plus - tonight I ate oatmeal!!!! It took me about 45 minutes to get the whole bowl down. (I'm using a toddler spoon, which I fill about 1/3 full for each bite) Which is fine except that the oatmeal was cold by the time I got to the end. Which is not quite as yummy as hot oatmeal.... Still, it felt like food and not a protein shake. Isn't it odd that oatmeal is considered a liquid?

Press On

I'm tired tonight.

I've been trying to find the balance between resuming a normal life - which is good for me! - and respecting the fact that I had major surgery less than a week ago. So, I think I did too much. And I ate lunch late which made dinner late ("lunch" and "dinner" being code names for "protein shakes") Being tired makes me easily frustrated - such as with the fact that it feels like a long time before I'm going to be able to eat again.

Game Club was tonight, which was fun of course, but it was late when I came home. On the way home, I heard a song on the radio. The chorus went something like this:

"In Jesus name, we press on
Dear God,
With our eyes on the prize
We find the strength
To press on"

And that's how I feel right now - like I'm just pressing on. But it was a reminder to me that I prayed long and hard before committing to this surgery and decided that it was the right thing for me. I feel confident that, for whatever reason, this is where God's plan for me leads. So that knowledge made it easier to press on. Not easy. Just easier.

I put on some of my favorite Christian music as well, which always makes me feel better. Music is always my favorite part of church, and I am so thankful for Christian artists. Tonight I went to two of my favorites - East to West by Casting Crowns and My Jesus by Todd Agnew. So tomorrow is a new day and I will try to keep the balance better.

Mom's gone :(

Well, I really loved having my mom here to help me out post-op. She has been wonderful, doing everything for me - and I mean everything. Plus, I had a good time with her. But she went home today. She was supposed to start back to school today, so she had already missed one day of pre-school week. If I was feeling bad, she would have stayed another day, but....

I'm feeling great. I am really doing very well. There's a slight ache in my stomach most of the time - it gets worse when I walk briskly - but that's it. I haven't had any pain medicine in a few days, so I can drive. I even slept on my stomach the past two nights! I do get tired more easily when I go walking, so I'm trying to take it fairly easy while still walking regularly per my doc's instructions. He wants me to walk at least 4 times a day, 10 minutes at a time which is totally doable. Sometimes I do stuff around the house or go shopping to count for my walks, and sometimes I walk the path around my apt. complex.

So my goals now, in addition to the walking, the breathing into the incentive spirometer, taking my temperature twice a day and taking my medications, are to get in my fluids and my protein. I've been doing protein shakes (think Slim-Fast),which are going ok. I'm supposed to do 3 a day as my meals. Slim-Fast high protein is my favorite so far, and my nutritionist told us that we could add 1/4 c. of Eggbeaters to it to make it creamier. I tried this, and it was good - plus added 6 g. of protein, which I needed. Our shakes are supposed to be about 20 g. and that one is only 15. So I think I'm going to keep going the Eggbeaters route - extra protein, better texture, and tasteless - that's a win, win, win as far as I'm concerned!

I can also add unflavored protein powder to strained creamed soups or oatmeal, which are allowed on my full liquid diet. But, as one of my favorite bloggers, Eggface, points out - unflavored does not mean tasteless. It means not chocolate or vanilla. So it does add a little bit of a taste. Worse, it adds a bad aftertaste. And I put it in my Magic Bullet to mix it up so it wasn't lumpy, and it made it really frothy which was gross. So I attempted this last night with some broccoli cheese soup and I Magic Bulleted it for a long time and it was really frothy and really gross. So then I tried a protein shake sample that I had that was supposed to be "Roadside Lemonade". Again, I hit the bullet too long and it was way frothy which made it gross. I had a little breakdown about getting my protein in. I tried some protein water a friend had brought me but couldn't get much of that down either. So, on my first day of full liquids I got in about 2/3 of my protein. Today at lunch I tried again - this time with potato soup, and I only bulleted it for about 2 sec. Much less froth, and this time I got about half of it down. I couldn't finish it, so I had some milk later to get the protein count back up. (my doctor wants us to drink milk - some drs. don't) Mostly I'm thinking, though - for right now, I'm fine with the protein shakes so why push this? The shakes are what my dr. recommends, I'm fine with drinking them, and it's way easier so........ maybe I was just bored. :) If I get really tired of the liquid diet, I may just have some soups as part of my liquids, which is ok, but not try to use them to get the protein in.

I have to be sipping pretty much constantly to get my fluids in, which is tough. But I'm working on it. My initial goal is 48 oz. and I'm hitting that every day, but my ultimate goal is 64 oz. and I'm not there yet. I don't know when I'm supposed to hit that 64.

I do find that I miss food some - it's all in my head, I know. Like when my dad brought my grandmothers to visit yesterday and they all had pizza for lunch. And I couldn't even pinch off a piece of cheese! I miss the food and the social aspect of being able to go out to eat - I know this is silly b/c I've only been home from the hospital 3 days. Still, I've been mourning it a little bit. But, soon enough I'll be able to eat again. Knowing that this is a temporary thing, and that I WILL be able to eat again is getting me through it. Also, knowing that most WLS patients go through this "head hunger" makes me feel more normal. It's hard for me not to want to just hit the FF button and be 6 months down the road - having lost a good amount of weight, and comfortable enough with what I can and can't eat to be in a good routine. But it will get here, I know.

My good friends in Richmond are coming over tonight to play game with me. Bless them! I'm off to make another protein shake.....

Home from surgery

Well, I'm 3 days out from my RNY surgery and I finally made it home yesterday. Wed., the day of surgery, I was up and around and moving and feeling great. Thursday, I started out feeling great as well. As part of my recovery, I was supposed to walk laps around the unit (15 laps = 1 mile). Someone a day or two before had set a record of 71 laps and I was determined to beat it. So I spent a lot of time walking and not enough time sipping my water. The liquids weren't going down as well as we hoped, but I honestly didn't pay enough attention. So when they asked me if I felt ready to move to full liquids - a Carnation Instant Breakfast - I said sure. That was when things went downhill - I got so sick after drinking about 2 oz. I was nauseous and in pain - it was awful. I finally got some pills and went to sleep, waking up around 4 a.m. in tears and in pain again. With another round of drugs, I went back to sleep.

So when Dr. Elliot came by around 8 a.m. on Friday morning, I was sipping on water again but hadn't gotten very much in. He said I couldn't go home until I could prove I could stay hydrated, so he said he would check back in at 12 to see if I had gotten my 8 oz. in. He also pushed me back to clear liquids until I could handle them. Well, mid-morning I got sick again and asked for more nausea medication, so they pushed back my possible discharge time to 4 p.m. I was trying to sip a little 1 oz. cup of water in something like 15-30 minutes, then walk. (Just one lap at a time, not the 15 at a time that I tried the day before) Eventually, it got to be working and about 3:30 they said I could go home! We went by Kroger on the way home to pick up my myriad of prescriptions and other medicines (Mom went in while I slept in the car in the parking lot).

So, I'm home - I have pain and and nausea medication to take as needed (today I've taken half a dose of pain and no nausea so far), antacids that I have to take twice a day to cut down on stomach acid, an incentive spirometer that I have to breathe in every two hours, Gas-X strips to help move all that gas they pumped me full of while performing surgery, and gallbladder pills (rapid weight loss often causes gall stones), vitamins and calcium supplements that I start taking after a week or two. I also have to walk at least 4 times a day for at least 10 minutes and take my temperature twice a day. My incisions are looking good - one is a little red, so if that continues I'll call my doctor. I'm not in a lot of pain today - Mom and I have taken a 15-minute walk once today, and gone shopping for a little while which I'm counting as my second walk. I'm staying on clear liquids only today, but they're going down pretty well, so I'm hoping to move to full liquids tomorrow.

So that's the long-winded update on me and how I'm doing post-op. I'm ready to be OVER the recovery process and get on with it already - but I know I need to take this slowly and do it right so that I don't end up back in the hospital. I think I'll take a nap now - after I breathe in my little machine......

P.S. - I did set the new lap record, by the way - 82 laps! :)

Surgery Day

Here's the email I sent to friend and family around 4:00 the evening after my surgery....

Hi everyone -

I'm on a good amount of drugs right now so forgive me if this doesn't go exactly right. I also have stuff on my hands making it hard to type.

I had my gastric bypass today and it went really well. Surgery was at 7:30 this morning (I had to be here at 5:30), and I woke up in the recovery room about 10:45. Boy was I grumpy! My stomach hurt, my throat was dry and sore, and I was tired and confused coming out of the anesthesia. But I made it up to my room about 12:30 and by that time I was feeling much better. I have a button to press for pain medication, but I haven't used it very much. I've been sucking on ice chips. I did 5 laps around the unit (1/3 of a mile) and was rewarded with a purple popsicle that has turned my teeth purple! I've had several friends stop by to visit (Thanks, Theresa, Kat, Pat, and Cherritta!) and my wonderful mom has been here all day.

Thanks for all of your prayers and support -

Surgery Eve

Well, tomorrow's the big day. It's hard to believe that my surgery day is finally here. I've been waiting and planning for so long that I'm not quite sure how I feel about it! I've been in sort of a denial/procrastination mode where I really haven't been getting the things done that I should have been. (i.e., sitting here typing instead of working on cleaning) I'm not sure it's quite real to me yet - although the fact that I can't eat anything today is driving the point home somewhat :)

So my surgery is tomorrow at 7:30 am at Henrico Doctor's Hospital (Parham). Which means I have to be there at 5:30. Wow, that's early - but it suits me. I might as well go ahead and get it over with. And do you think I'll really be able to sleep tonight anyway? My mom is coming up tonight and staying with me for a week. Bless her - tomorrow is her birthday! Barring any complications, I will be in the hospital until Friday morning.

I'm nervous, but not really having second thoughts. I've come too far for that. Honestly, I'm more worried about the next 6-8 weeks of recovery than I am about the long term. I won't be laid up that long, but that's how long it will take my "pouch" to heal so that I can eat real food again. I'll be on full liquids only for 2 weeks, then 4 weeks or so of soft and mushy foods. I know that eventually - after a year or so - I'll be able to eat pretty much anything, just very small amounts, so I'm not really worried about feeling deprived long term. To be successful, though, I'll have to be careful about what I eat. I feel prepared for that. Let's get on with it already!

So today I'm cleaning my house (so my mom doesn't see what a slob I am!) and running some last minute errands - getting my anti-nausea prescription filled for tomorrow, doing lots of laundry (I have to be very clean tomorrow - wash with antibacterial wash, sleep on clean sheets, etc), buying my vitamins, packing my bag, etc. A friend brought me over lots of protein for the shakes that I'll have to live on for the next two weeks (Thanks, Cherritta!) She had Dr. Elliot as well and has done wonderfully!!!!!!

I've gotten nothing but support from family, friends, support groups, etc. Everyone has been really wonderful and, if I could just get this apartment clean!, I'm ready to get this show on the road! I'll see ya again on the other side........

Cookout time!

Yesterday I attended a BBQ/Meet and Greet/Health Seminar hosted by Jackie and Sue, who I met through the OH board. They run a support group in Fredericksburg called Obesity Freedom. We had a presentation of Isotonix vitamins, ate (WLS-friendly food of course!), had a hula demonstration/lessons (thanks, Ann!), did some jewelry shopping, but most of all - talked. And talked. And talked. :) I was a little nervous about going - it would be a big crowd, and people that I knew "virtually". I had met a few of them in person, and they were great, but still. You never quite know, do you? What people will really be like? And it's easy to feel very anonymous on-line.

I had a great, great time. I loved meeting people that I knew on-line and people that I didn't. Everyone was so great. This is going to sound weird, I know. But I was amazed at how many of them knew who I was and knew that my surgery was coming up this week! (by the way, tomorrow I'm planning on posting about thoughts as I get ready for surgery - it's too much for today!) It made me feel accepted and like I was a part of the group. Which may not seem so important or exciting to any of you skinny and/or popular people out there - but trust me, it was.

Very few people were just as I had imagined them - I guess I need to work on my people skills! :) It's hard to tell online if someone is loud or quiet, or what kinds of things will come out of their mouths when they're not replying to a specific post. But I will say this - they all exceeded my expectations. There wasn't a lot of gossiping about others or negative talk (that I heard, anyway), just people catching up and sharing stories about life. I bounced from group to group all day - I think most people did - so I feel like I got to talk with a lot of different people.

Anyway, I'm happy to be a part of this group. My friends and family have been wonderful supports as I prepare for surgery, but it's also nice to be able to talk to people who have been there.

Pre-op testing DONE!

So I went today and had my physical with Dr. Elliot, then I went to the hospital to do my pre-admission testing. I got asked the same questions over and over and over again, did a lot of waiting for a lot of different people, signed a lot of forms, and watched a computer slide show about my procedure. All they did for my pre-op testing at the hospital was take some blood (actually, they took a lot of blood for a lot of different things) and did an EKG. If something comes up abnormal, Dr. E's office will call me but I don't anticipate that happening.

Dr. E gave me my manual, which I'm ready to dive into and read thoroughly. But here's the most exciting thing - he said that since I had lost so much weight already

I DON'T HAVE TO DO THE LIVER SHRINKING DIET AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if you can tell or not, but I'm pretty psyched about this :) He said if I could lose some more weight, that would of course be great, but all that he was going to require was that I not gain any weight in the next two weeks. Needless to say, I am one happy camper right now.

Body Age pt. 2

So I'm finishing up my pre-op Boot Camp at "the Center", and today they did a second Body Age test to see if I've made any improvements over the last 3 months. My first test, in March, said my Body Age was 50. Today's test, after 3 months of exercise and nutrition counseling, showed some significant improvements, including a new "age" of 36. The highlights:

• I've lost 28 pounds.
• They measured my neck, shoulders, chest, abdomen, waist, hips, biceps, forearms, thighs, knees, and calves. All of my measurement have decreased, adding up to a total of 28" gone.
• My nutrition score went way up.
• My bicep strength, situps, and pushups all increased. (In one minute, sit-ups went from 12 to 20 and pushups went from 12 to 22; bicep strength went from pulling 56 lbs. to 62 lbs.)

So I'm excited about all of that. I'm still stressed that with 6" gone from my waist, my clothes still aren't fitting any differently! There's something wrong here...maybe my clothes really were just super tight before. Anyway, hopefully that means that post-op losses will show up more quickly in my clothes. I'm really glad that I did this whole Boot Camp extravaganza, but I'll have to post my thoughts on that another time.

Right now I'm getting ready to go out for my "last meal". Tomorrow I have my pre-op appointments and I'm expecting them to put me back on the dreaded Liver Shrinking Diet. :O I really thought that I would be sad at the thought of saying good-bye to food, and feel like I needed to eat a lot tonight. But I don't. I really think that my attitude about food has changed and, while I'm still dreading the LSD, I'm ok with the changes in eating habits that the surgery will bring. I'm not worried about feeling deprived anymore. I think this is partly due to my research and talking with others, and partly to the changes that I've already made. But going out to a nice dinner is always fun. So we're going to Maggiano's, a really nice Italian place.

Tomorrow I'm in for several hours of test and being poked and prodded. Then I'm taking the train overnight to Charleston. I'll report back when I can...

Life goes on

So I've just been plugging along. Doing well with the eating and exercising some days, not as well the others. Still working on it.

Cheating

Hi from Charleston! I just got here (around 10 pm) so I won't get to see that sweet baby until morning. I can't wait!

I totally cheated tonight. On the way here, I did something I haven't done in a long time - stopped at McDonalds for dinner. I haven't had McDs in 6 weeks since I started all of the special diets. Also - I got a Diet Coke! I haven't had one since I gave them up 2 months ago. And guess what? It was gross. Hated it. All of it - even the coke. I couldn't even eat it. Before I would eat it when I wasn't even hungry.

So I guess I really am changing, which is a good thing. I know I have to be careful so I don't change back. But it makes me feel like I really can do this thing. I've been worried because one of the benefits of the RNY surgery is that you get sick when you eat things you shouldn't. In the past, that hasn't exactly stopped me from eating them. But tonight I learned that it can. And it will.

Happy long weekend!

Total meltdown

I completely melted down today. I'm so tired from running, running, running all the time and trying to think about what I'm eating and getting my exercise in and all the other 1,000,000 things that go along with preparing for this surgery in addition to the job and being in a new city and all. Of course, I had less than 5 minutes for my meltdown. So I don't know if that really counts or not.

Here's what prompted the meltdown - I fell in the shower. I had about 20 minutes to shower and get ready to go back out (cards with the girls!) and I got in and fell down. *Side note - I've been feeling very off-balance lately. I've almost fallen several times. Hmmmm* I wasn't hurt, but it shook me up. You know how falling can do that? And I did grab the shower curtain on the way back down and it pulled the rod out of the wall a little bit so now I have to call and get them to fix that.

Here's what I melted about - I went to work out with Bryan today and it was fine. He weighed me and I've lost 5 pounds since last week. Which is great. I know it is. I'm excited about it. It means that, since the liver shrinking diet, I've lost a total of 20 pounds (some of those pounds I've lost twice - put them back on and lost them again :) ) Which I am happy about. But here's the thing - I still don't look any different. I don't feel any different. And even my clothes aren't fitting me any better. There are two things I do notice - I fit into my jeans straight out of the dryer. (But once they're on, they feel the same as they did before once I had worn them a little bit) And I have to work harder to get my heart rate up. Which I know is a good sign, but all it really means is I'm working out really hard and my heart rate is like "*yawn* whatever. I'll just stay here in this mediocre range" Shouldn't I at least feel better or have more energy or something? Or my clothes feel a little loose? Generally, losing 20 pounds will take you down a whole size! Maybe my clothes were just really tight before...

Getting my butt kicked by 10 year olds

I have such a hard time with taking things slowly - I've been working out with Bryan for about 2 months now, so I am convinced that I should be able to do anything at all! Um, that is definitely not true. Remember how Zumba kicked my butt last week? So, ask me what I did. Go ahead. (And no, I didn't go back to Zumba)

I tried a different class. Basic Step. An introductory class. Advertised as "family friendly". There were three 10 year olds there - fresh from field day, no less! They kicked my butt. Totally kicked it. I'm not even going to mention their perfectly-clad high-energy jumping around mothers. I had to stop several times "for water". And I did some of the exercises on the floor instead of using the step. DANG it was hard work. Of course my heart rate was way too high, so that was another reason I took some water breaks. Live and learn. I'm pretty good and the living part - it's the "learning" I'm having trouble with. Remind me not to go back and do that again, ok?

My new water bottle came yesterday! On Dawn's recommendation, I ordered a Sigg water bottle. Mine looks like this:

I'm super excited about it and had fun carrying it around today. I'll admit, I like it because it's pretty :) But it's a good water bottle, too and we all know how important water is! I need to order the thing that goes around it with a caribiner attached, though, to make it easier to carry.
I also ordered an awesome lunch bag since I have to take my lunch now. Although you can see it's awesomeness from the picture, when I tell you that it has a zipper, you'll be even more wowed by it. Ready? It has a zipper. A red one.Clearly, I still need to work on short posts. Oh, well. It is about 8:15 on a Friday night and I'm about to head off to bed. It has been a busy, busy week.

Make new friends, but keep the old...

one is silver, and the other gold! (can you hear me singing it?!?! I hope I sound better in your head than I do in real life)

One great thing about getting ready to have this surgery is that I'm meeting some really great new people. Tonight I met some girls from the OH board to plan some social events for the Richmond area. It was a lot of fun. I will admit to being overwhelmed - we were loud, and all talking at once about 15 different things. But I met some great new people, and I look forward to getting to know them better. When Theresa sends me the pictures, I'll post one :)

I met with the doctor today - I've been to the "the Center" 3 days in a row this week to meet with Lisa the nutritionist (Mon), Sgt. Bryan (Tue), and Dr. Powell (Wed). They've all been very encouraging and told me that I'm doing well. I know that I'm not doing as well as I could (or maybe even should!) be, but it's good to know that they are happy with the progress I'm making. I'm working hard at it, but there's always one more thing to do...I guess life is like that.

Speaking of, Sue (the "life coach" - the only one I didn't officially see this week, although we did chat when I ran into her in the office) thinks I should try hypnosis to see if I can get past gagging on nasty foods. Hmmmm.... She gave me the card of a hypnotist that she recommends. Still thinking on that one.